Caught Up (Windy City, #3)

by Liz Tomforde

“I’m going to break his heart tomorrow, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that.” Kai swallows the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me to pull me into his chest. Sobs wrack my body then, knowing that he’s got me. He’ll settle me one last time. “I haven’t earned that title,” I say into his shirt. “I haven’t done anything to be called that.” “Yes, you have, Miller. Contrary to what you believe, you don’t have to be the best to earn a name for yourself. I know you. I know you’re having a hard time grasping what just happened because this wasn’t a goal you set out to achieve, so yeah, you’re feeling undeserving of the name. But what if I waited until I was the best possible dad to allow him to call me that? He’d be waiting for the rest of his fucking life.”

“Why? So my son could spend time with someone who doesn’t make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world the way you have? Or so he wouldn’t know what it feels like to be loved the way you love him? That’s bullshit and you know it. Or are you saying that in regards to me? That you should’ve kept the line clearer with me that you’re just passing through.”

Every word feels like an arrow straight to the heart, sharp and painful. This is exactly why I’ve remained detached because loving someone when your paths are running in different directions is the worst kind of torture.

“God, Miller, you try so hard to keep yourself detached. To live this lonely life, and I don’t fucking get it.”

“What is that?” Kai follows my line of sight, staring right at his hat. His exhale is defeated. “You know what that is.” “Why? Why would that be there? Why is it next to Max’s picture?”

“Because when life or work gets too stressful, too overwhelming for me, I’m able to see who matters most. And that’s you, Miller.” He shakes his head. “And it’s in there because I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s too painful not to be able to see you every second of the day.” I shake my head frantically, as if the words will disappear if I do. “No, you’re not.” We had rules that I needed him to follow. Rules that were set in place to keep me from hurting him. I can deal with breaking my own heart, but I can’t live with breaking his. It’s happened too many times in his life. “I am.” He throws his hands up in defeat. “I fucking love you, and I’m sorry that neither my son nor I could control how we feel about you. I’m sorry that this is the last thing you wanted to hear, but I’m not sorry that I do.” “Kai,” I cry, fresh tears streaming down my face. “You can’t. We just…we got caught up in this. We had rules.” “Fuck your rules, Miller!” he bursts, pacing the hallway that leads to his room. “I’m not asking you to love me back.” But I do. “But I’m not going to keep pretending like I’m not absolutely fucking ruined from having you for the last two months. I know this is the last thing you wanted, but I’m not going to apologize. You’re my favorite person, Miller, and for once I had someone for me. I had someone taking care of me. After being alone for so long, I finally had someone looking out for me.” “I haven’t been taking care of you.” I frantically shake my head. “You...

“You’ve been taking care of my heart, Mills, and I’ve been taking care of yours.” Using the back of my hands, I attempt to clean my face, but the stupid tears won’t stop falling. “Fuck,” he breathes. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it’d scare you, make you run. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore because you’re leaving tomorrow anyway.” “You want a family to raise your son around. I don’t have that, Kai.” I swear I’m looking for anything to talk him out of his feelings. “I only have me.” “I only want you! We already have a family, Miller. My friends, the team, your dad. And you. I just want you.” “I didn’t want to hurt you,” I squeak out. “I knew I was leaving the entire time and I let you get attached. I let myself get attached, and now I’m just another person that’s going to leave you.”

“Miller, you’re not just another person.”

“You put me first when I forgot how to. You reminded me what it felt like to be important, to be chosen first. I know you wanted this to be easy and detached, but you’re fucking in here.” His fingers meet his chest, tapping it a couple of times, blue eyes meeting mine, and full of pain. “You’re everywhere, and when you leave tomorrow, I’ll still see you everywhere. In this kitchen. In Max’s room. In my bed. There’s nothing about us that’s easy. This is fucking miserable, Miller, knowing there’s a clock counting down the seconds until I don’t have you anymore, but I’d do it all over again. I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d break my heart all over again because loving you was one of the two greatest surprises of my life.”

“If I could…” he continues, shaking his head. “I’d chase you. I’d spend every free day on an airplane to get to you, even if that meant I only got to kiss you once before I had to fly back to Chicago. I’d spend my off-season living out of a hotel or out of your fucking van just to be close to you, but it’s not only me I’m making decisions for anymore. And because of that, I don’t want you to say anything. Don’t tell me if you love me, and fuck,” he exhales a painful laugh. “Please don’t tell me if you don’t. But especially don’t give me any hope because if you do, I have a feeling I’d chase you across the country until you were caught.”

One last time. “Please,” I whisper, eyes searching his. He chuckles, but it’s stunted without humor. “We’re past playing hard to get, Mills. You never have to ask.”

Kai’s hips are settled against mine, his rigid length rubbing right where I want him as we kiss and ache. He reaches to his nightstand next to me, but I put a hand on his to stop him. His confused gaze meets mine. “I’m on birth control.” “Miller—” “Please, Kai.” Stroking the side of his face, I hold his attention. “I need you, all of you. One time. For the last time.” His throat moves in a deep swallow. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, but only if this is what you want too.” He searches my face for a moment. “It is.” “I’m…” I shake my head. “I haven’t been with anyone else this way.” “Me neither.” “But—” He exhales a breath of a laugh. “When I said Max was a surprise, I meant it. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to be this close to.”

“Please let me say it,” he whispers against me. “I’ve tried to show you all summer, so let me just say it on the last night I have you.” “Tell me.” He nudges his nose against mine. “I love you. God, I love you so much, Miller, it feels like it might kill me.”

“Oh my God,” I exhale. “Kai, you feel⁠—” “Incredible. You feel incredible, Miller,” he finishes for me. “I can feel every inch of you.” Everything about this feels attached. Not only the physical bond, but his heart and mine. It feels like we belong here, together, and the knowledge that I’m the reason this ends tomorrow has the burn of fresh tears welling at the base of my lashes. I’m overwhelmed. With his body. With the way I feel about him. With the aching reminder that tomorrow it all ends.

“Miller,” he says, making sure my attention is on him. “If you ever decide to stop running and make a home…” His eyes are begging, pleading. “Make it with me.”

The problem is no longer that I can’t do my job. The problem is that now, I don’t want to.

This must be how Kai feels. Responsible to everyone else, constantly trying to do right by others, and rarely choosing things for himself.

I hate it here, but this quiet moment is the only place where I can be honest about that.

This picture is all I have of Kai and Max while I’m off chasing a dream that feels more like a nightmare the longer I’m away from them.

“My advice, after twenty years in the industry, stop giving your brilliance to other people. Put your name on it and own it.” She pulls her espresso back to her lips, smiling behind the tiny cup. “After you finish donating a bit to me this fall, of course.”

“Do you mind if I give you a piece of advice? From one old chef to a fresh, young one?” I laugh. “You’re not old, but yes, please do.” “If you ever feel like you’ve truly lost your passion for this, quit. Your food will never meet its potential because you’ll never meet your potential. This career is not for the faint of heart. You will be beaten down on the line, day in and day out. You know this. But if you’re questioning if you made the right decision, you’ve already made the wrong one. “Find your passion, Miller. Find what makes you excited to get up every morning and if it’s not this, walk away.”

“When your mom died, I had my dream career.” “I know.” “What I thought was my dream career,” he corrects. “Until my dream job walked right into my life, and suddenly, all I wanted was to be whatever you needed. I didn’t care about baseball anymore. I didn’t think twice about what could have been. All I saw was this little green-eyed girl who looked at me like I was her entire world.” He shakes his head. “Never once, to this day, have I ever viewed our relationship or how our family came to be as a sacrifice. It’s been a privilege to be your dad.”

“It’s hard to know if you’re living up to the name. There are no tests you get to pass or checkmarks you can aim for. And for someone like you, someone who has chased titles as a way to prove to yourself…” He pauses. “Or to prove to me that you’ve accomplished something, I’m sure that’s even scarier. You’re an All-American pitcher, a James Beard recipient, but you’ll never earn the title Best Parent because that award doesn’t exist. You can only try your best and hope it’s enough.” “I don’t know how to…” I shake my head. “I have no idea how to be someone’s mom. I was just supposed to be there for a quick two months.” “Do you think I had any idea how to be a dad?” he asks in rebuttal. “I was so far out of my comfort zone. I had gone from playing major league baseball to putting your hair in pigtails for school every morning. Do you think I knew how to do that? Hell no. I had to ask our neighbor to teach me. I had no idea how to deal with mean moms or mean girls in school, and don’t even get me started on how terrified I was when you got your first period, and you asked me to take you to the store. My Google search was questionable at best because I was trying to find the answers to the questions I knew you were going to have.”

I hope you’re out there finding your joy because you’re the reason we found ours.

“I’m always impressed by you, you know that. It really doesn’t take a lot. When you were a kid, you got a Lego stuck up your nose and I found that impressive.” He chuckles to himself. “But there are other avenues in life that are equally great and impressive. You don’t need everyone to know your name for it to mean you’re doing something great with your life. Trust me, when the right person knows your name, it’s enough.” He nudges his shoulder into me. “Or in your case when the right people know your name. Two to be exact.”

“I think you understand,” he continues. “Leaving my career to become your dad doesn’t seem like much of a sacrifice now, does it?” I shake my head. “Not when I’m thinking of doing the same.” He turns to me, brown eyes soft, looking at me as if I were his entire world. I understand that sentiment more than I ever thought I would. “Go find your happiness, Miller.”

“I feel honored to have landed this interview with you, Chef,” she says. “I’ve been looking forward to it.” “I’m looking forward to this too.” “With the restaurant closed tonight, do you have any big plans after we’re done?” “I do,” I admit with a smile. “I’m gonna go see about a boy. Two boys, actually.”

“Everyone is worried about you, Kai. The team, your friends.” “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. That’s not your responsibility.” He chuckles without humor. “So that’s your responsibility too? You’ll take care of it like you always do? How about you stop being such a fucking martyr and ask for help, huh?”

But the most shocking revelation from our time together is when Montgomery admitted with a beaming smile that after earning the top honor in the industry, she’s leaving it all behind.

“I don’t like the term ‘settling down.’ I didn’t settle for anything. I simply stopped running when the two best boys I know caught me.”

“My favorite part of baking is feeding the people I love,” Montgomery said. “I hope these recipes will help others do just that.”

“You said it was my choice if I wanted to live up to expectations, and I do. But now, the only expectations I’m going to worry about are the ones I set for myself. And the only expectations I have for myself are to be happy and to chase the things I want.” “And what do you want, baby?”

“I want to open my own patisserie and teach classes there a couple of times a week. I want to watch as many of your games as I can. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to live close to my dad. I want to read stories to Max every night before bed. I want to try my hardest to be who he needs me to be. I want to be the one to bake him cupcakes for his first birthday at school and for all his birthdays after that. I want to have more babies with you because you are such an amazing dad. But most of all, I want to be happy and you two make me happy, Kai. And I hope I make you happy too.”

“But what do you want?” Does she really have to ask? It’s the same thing I wanted two weeks ago. The same thing I wanted all summer. “You. Just you. I want it all with you, Miller.”

“Just to give you a heads-up before you really make your final decision, I’m currently homeless, jobless, and my van is way past due for an oil change.” Chuckling, I pull her into me. “I can work with that.” She slants over me, but before I can kiss her, she stops with her hands on either side of my face. “And I love you.” My eyes dart to hers. “I love you so much, Kai. Nothing about me leaving was because of you. I need you to know that. You’re more than enough, more than I could’ve dreamt for. I loved you before I left, and I love Max and I’ve never felt so much at once that I’m fairly certain my heart is going to give out soon. I’m only twenty-six, Malakai. It’s too soon.”

It’s as if every missing part of my life is entirely reassembled in that moment. Everything I’ve wanted for my life, for my son’s life is wrapped up in this woman I love. This woman I thought I lost.

“When I left, I hadn’t fully come to terms that what I was chasing was no longer my dream, but as soon as I got there, I knew. I have a new dream now. You and Max are my dream.”

Holding his hands, she starts to move, the two of them dancing together. Max is looking up at her as if she were his entire world. Those two, this life… I don’t know how I got so lucky that I now get to call those two mine.