Between Never and Forever

by Shain Rose

“Fuck.” He pulled at his hair, and I saw how his neck tightened in frustration. “I don’t know what matters. I don’t know which way is up or down with you. I think I’m falling for you, and then I think I hate you and don’t know a damn thing about you, Kee. I’ll punch a guy in the face for you, but I don’t know if you’ll even tell me the damn truth.”

I’d never stopped loving her. Not even for a second. I might have hated her at the same time because I didn’t know, but the love was still there.

I leaned in and kissed her. I kissed her like I should have fifteen years ago. I kissed her with no reservations but with love and softness. I kissed her like I should have every damn day since I met her. I kissed her like I loved her, because I did. I loved that she didn’t fit in any damn box I tried to put her in, that she kept me on my toes, that she sacrificed herself for others, and that she’d sacrificed our love at one point. She was selfless and good and bad in all the best ways possible.

I have to figure this out, but you need to disentangle yourself from me immediately and—” There was no way. Didn’t she see that now? “Actually, we’re getting married.” “What?” “You’re marrying me.” I wasn’t letting her go. “Do you hear yourself?” “I do. You said you had to take care of family. That’s what families do.

“You grew up next to me. You ran through our freaking fields, you went to school with us, you cried on the side of that lake with us, shivering, cold, in shock after we lost our friend. You’re my family.” It all made sense now. The reason I never committed before and couldn’t see a clear road ahead was because she wasn’t on that road. “You’re going to be my wife.”

“You said I was your nightmare once.” I nodded but she didn’t understand. “I get nightmares about losing you. One way or the other.” I rocked her back and forth for what felt like only moments, but we might have sat there for hours. The world melted away when I was with her. The fear of losing her, the fear of losing control.

“Stay with me?” Didn’t she know I wasn’t going to leave again? I was done denying our connection. I was about to marry her. I was about to make sure she was forever in my life.

“What’s this memory trying to tell us then?” “For me? It’s reminding me not to fuck up protecting you again.” “That’s not your job. We’re not really together.” She was still coming to terms with the fact that we were, it seemed. “And even if we were, Dex, you don’t have to protect me.” “We’ve always been together. Even when we weren’t. And we always will be too, Kee. I’m always going to protect you.”

“Come here and see what I’m working on.” “Why?” I whispered. “Because I want you to see what I mean when I say I’m going to take care of this, of you, that I’m going to marry you. I don’t think you quite understand.”

“Don’t you see that I’m not marrying you for the contract, Kee? I’m marrying you because you’re mine. This pussy is mine. Your heart, your soul, this is all mine.” He stared at the cameras as he said it. “And no one fucks with what is mine.”

You’re about to be my wife. And I’m not marrying you to save you. I’m marrying you so I can save the world. I’ll go crazy and cause too much damn destruction protecting you without you being by my side. You get that?”

Kee: You ready to come back and uncuff me? Me: I’m on a call in my office. Kee: I bet none of the other guys left their wives for a call. Me: Are you admitting that you’re about to be my wife?

“Perfect. You’re perfect, heartbreaker.” “I’m not. I just got off on a camera for you and burst into your meeting with the president.” “Yeah, and you enjoyed it, didn’t you?” “No. I’m not enjoying this.” He looked me up and down. “The blush on your cheeks alone shows me it’s affected you. It’s more than just a little foreplay. Don’t act like it isn’t.”

“And I bet my whole Black Diamond salary that me standing here has affected you too. You hard under that conference table of yours?” Welp. Guess the alcohol hadn’t completely worn off, and I slapped a hand over my mouth. He stared at me as his jaw worked, and then he sucked on his teeth before going to his phone to type something in. An alert sounded on my phone too, and I glanced down at the bank notification. The number of zeros. He’d just dropped a million dollars into my account.

“You’re not going to give up, are you?” “I’m never going to give up on us again.”

“I think I might be falling in love with you, Dex.” “Well, good. At least the fall is starting for you. I’m so far down the hill, I need you to catch up at some point.

“You’re giving me every orgasm I want to take, heartbreaker. Forever. Your future husband deserves to see you come apart again and again.”

“Sir, the president is on line one, calling back. Would you like to tell him to hold?” “He can call back.” There was mirth in Penelope’s voice when she said, “Again? Reason being?” “The woman that’s about to be my wife under my desk good enough?”

“That’s it. Take my cock down your throat. So sick of being good. I’ve always loved you bad, anyway. That fuckable mouth was made for me.” He thrust his cock farther as he held my head and I moaned. “And only me.”

“We do huge things for family though right? And you’re family. You’re mine. I’ll go to hell and burn there for all I care. You think I won’t?” He stopped what he was doing to stare at me then. He was daring me to disagree. Silence stretched between us before I finally sighed. “Marriage then. For a little while.” He huffed and went back to work.

Let me help you relax, huh? So nervous about a little wedding like you haven’t been thinking of marrying me forever. I’m going to be your husband, heartbreaker. And you’re going to fucking like it.”

“See how excited your pussy is to have me as a husband? Can’t you already tell what you taste like?” He waited a beat. “You taste like you’ll be forever mine.”

“We will sift through our baggage for the rest of our lives together. Remember that, heartbreaker. When you meet me at the altar tomorrow, know that if you say I do, it’s for forever with me. Not someone else. You’ll never be with someone else again.”

He’d worked everything out for me again. And together, I knew we would keep working things out. A sense of calm washed over me as I watched him. I didn’t need to know details right then. I just needed to know that we’d always keep helping each other.

“You asked me once why I needed you in my home. Not just wanted. Needed. It’s because I was dying without you, Kee. Suffocating. Couldn’t fucking breathe without you. Is that answer enough? I didn’t commit. To anything. I haven’t loved a woman before you nor will I love another after you. I knew it then like I know it now. I have always loved you, and I hated you for that, Kee.” He dragged a hand over his face, and then he got down on one knee. “Only because I couldn’t be with you. So, you’re wearing my ring but I want you to say it too. Say you’ll marry me. Say we belong together. Say yes because I’m asking you now. Will you marry me?”

“You know you didn’t get rid of all the evidence. If I marry you in that dress, someone might see,” I whispered. “Maybe you and not just someone but everyone, needs a reminder that I’ll make the world bleed if it hurts you. Do you get that?” he whispered against my ear. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him close, crying now because there was no way to stop myself. “Then don’t let them hurt me again, because I sort of like the world we’re creating.” “Is that a yes? You’ll marry me? Be with me forever?” “Yes… For forever and ever.”

Sometimes it’s hard to see the sun when you’ve been standing in the dark for so long. Dex and I were each other’s light to find our way back to it. Now, our home was each other,

“When he asked me why I bought your label, I agreed that I’m pragmatic in all I do and said, ‘Pragmatically, no one stands in the way of my wife’s happiness. She wanted it, so I bought it. There’s no other explanation needed.’” And that’s how I’d chosen to live with him from then on. Without explanations. Without apologies. Without fear. But with confidence. With love. And with my Dex.