The Fishermen (Infidelity #2)

by C.P. Harris

“But I can’t be what you need either.”

“Just one,” he whispered, his voice trailing me into the foyer. “Just one, Leelee Bear.”

They forced me to go back in time, forced me to remember how much he knew me.

“I know you prefer one great friend over many, because it lessens your chances of people hurting you. Of leaving you. I know you also prefer one friend over none, because being completely alone reminds you of how lonely you are.”

Cole’s friendship ended up being the life raft I needed. Franky had gotten it wrong. I didn’t need just one friend. I specifically needed Cole.

I ground the heel of my palm into the ache at the center of my chest as Cole continued with his persuasion. It hurt to know Leland had shared his dream with someone else when he’d held it so close to the vest with me. I’d thought I would one day earn the details of his art-bar. From the size, to the color scheme, to the pieces he’d choose to display on its walls. Pestering him about it had become a game of mine. I used to live for the excitement of wondering if this would be the time he actually answered my questions. If this would be the time he felt safe enough to. But I hadn’t earned hearing about it from his own beautiful lips. I hadn’t fought hard enough to earn anything.

I’d titled this one His Storm, because Franky was the storm, and I was at the center of it. And because I’d naively believed that the storm had belonged to me.

You found out I’d be leaving, and you panicked, because even though we’re not together, and even though we never will be, there’s something about us being intertwined in the sick, passive way that we are that keeps that insidious spark of hope alive. It burns away at our core until we can taste the acidic burn of it at the backs of our throats, and the thought of snuffing out that flame completely feels deadly. It feels like dying.”

“You think I don’t know that you sometimes watch me?” I asked. “That on occasion, you lurk outside my window, just behind the wide bark of the elm tree in the park, and you watch me.”

I can’t stop fucking feeling you. And I know some part of you hoped I knew, because maybe that would mean I haven’t let go of you either, right?”

“I bet Friday and Saturday nights are the hardest for you to bear. Isn’t that right, Franky?”

“Sunday nights are always the hardest. That’s when you close your curtains to me, but it’s the why of it that breaks my heart, Leland.”

Sundays were reserved for my shame. They were my reset days. The day of the week when Cole’s influence led me to believe I could do better, that I could try again. Sunday was also the day I attempted to paint, but my hands shook so badly I could never manage to pick up the brush. I’d shut him out because I refused to let Franky know that without him I couldn’t find it in me to be a daisy. But he knew anyway, and it fucking hurt like hell.

“Don’t leave, Leland.”

“Why not? So we can spend the next however many years pining in silence? So we can stay stagnant, dwelling on what can’t be? I waited for you. God, I’m still waiting for you.”

“You once asked me where I saw myself in five years. Do y...

“My answer is sadly still the same.”

“Where do you see yourself in five years, Leland?” he’d asked. “Somewhere still wanting you,” I’d answered.

“Catch and release. And maybe the fish won’t be the only thing you let go of, because holding on to things that don’t serve you is just bad for the soul.”

Finding, and then losing, the one person who’d ever made me feel that I could be the man I wanted to be was also proof of it. Leland. I loved Selene, but I loved Leland more. I’d wanted Selene, but never with the bone-aching ferocity I experienced when wanting Leland. I was distraught by the loss of my wife, but what damaged me most was still wanting him even while grieving for her. All of that had been more proof of how unlovable I was, and how little I deserved love.

I was discovering that the best didn’t always come from the places you’d expect them to.

If I had to choose the most valuable of them all, though, it would be that reaching in and grabbing hold of the pain wasn’t the problem, hanging on to it once you did was what killed you slowly. Catch and release.

the home. Our home.

“Maybe one day we can both be daisies.” I’d told him that once and then I’d turned around and made the feat impossible. “Catch and release,” I reminded myself.

It occurred to me then, that today was Sunday, and I was hit with something I’d confessed to Leland the last night we were here together. “Sunday nights are always the hardest. That’s when you close your curtains to me, but it’s the why of it that breaks my heart, Leland.”

Cole would be the last person I called if I needed something. I had to save all my unused favors for if—or when—the day ever came that I needed his forgiveness.

you nurture your pain like it’s something you gave birth to, and you already had a no-love policy before falling for Franklin. Afraid you’d end up like your mother.”

I had ended up like my mother. Obsessed and unable to see life without Franky in it.

“You’ve got to stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to fucking eat me alive,” I gritted out.

“Too much time has passed. You don’t get to be different. You don’t get to go off on some spiritual journey, or whatever the fuck you did, and then expect me to suddenly fall into your arms because you’ve now changed. I have the right to not want you. I don’t want you, Franky.” The lie tasted bitter on my tongue. “Respect that.”

“For fuck’s sake, Franky,” I said exasperated. “Now you’re ready to risk it all? Do you know how long I waited to hear those words? It’s too late. I’m different now too, and not in a good way. And you’re his father. He’ll forgive you. I won’t be so lucky.”

All the years I’d spent waiting on him while continuing to destroy myself in the process, giving myself away as if my body meant nothing to me, creating new addictions that never quite trumped my addiction to him… All the yesterdays I spent wanting him to offer me what he dangled so temptingly now… That I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive him for, and I honestly never expected to be put in a position where I’d have to.

“What’s with the bar name?”

“It means something to me,” I said vaguely.

“Maybe one day you’ll deem me worthy enough to share,” Cole replied tightly before stalking off.

He’d named his bar The Daisy. I stood back on the curb, choking on my admiration of him as I reread the two words scrawled across the black awning in white block letters. It was simple, like its owner, yet said so much.

“You think you can show up and wave a magic wand to make years of pain go away? You think you can show up as a brand-new man, ready to cleanse his sins, and I’m supposed to do what? Go along with it? Break my friend’s heart? Take you back? Do you know what I’ve done to myself since that summer?” He stared down at his body in horror.

“The moment you tell me you’re ready, we tell him. I won’t hesitate, Leland. I won’t make the mistake of not choosing you again.”

“Alex, right?”

“I’m a friend of Leland’s,” I said, which cleared his leeriness away. “You live around here?”

“I do hope that’s the only thing you’re coming in here for, because he isn’t on the menu.”

Some things about me may have changed, but some would always remain the same. Leland was mine.

“What if you lose them? What if choosing me ends up being the worst decision you ever make, Franky? What if we tell them the truth and we fall apart? Who we are now might not work well together. I don’t even know you anymore. I don’t even know me,” I whispered shakily.

I would take care of Leland because I wanted to. Because I loved him.

Bruises and scars I hadn’t created physically, but emotionally, I was responsible for them all, and I planned on atoning for every last one of them.

“I don’t like you seeing me like this,” he panted. He seemed more ashamed than embarrassed, and I noted the way his shoulders hunched forward. “I must be a real turn on, huh?” He laughed darkly.

“I’d had to nearly cut my tongue in half to keep my lust under control,” I said, and even now the taste of copper swam between my teeth.

“It took extreme pain to not react to you, Leland. I promised not to make you uncomfortable, but I imagine that while you’re living here, my nights will end with me bringing myself to climax with the taste of your name on my lips. And even the nights that you aren’t here.”