The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series Book 1)

by Debbie Mirza

However, his behavior over the past year had been vastly different from the man she thought she knew. So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing. Then suddenly, he was done with her. The end of the marriage was shocking and incredibly confusing.

She considered him her best friend.

blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work. All of this seemed to come out of nowhere.

Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. Those are the hardest to recognize.”

Many people who go to therapy to get help because they are depressed, low on energy, experiencing low self-esteem, feeling a lot of anxiety, and confused have no idea that the cause of their issue is an abusive relationship, whether that is with a romantic partner, a parent, or someone at work.

When a relationship with a covert narcissist ends, it is sudden and painful. It can look like a “normal” divorce, but it is not even close.

The covert type is one of the most destructive to your heart, psyche, and physical body because you are usually the only one who sees it. People

This is a massive problem that seems to be growing. One therapist I interviewed said she didn’t know what was happening, but every person who has walked through her door in the past couple years is dealing with narcissistic abuse. Her appointments are constantly booked.

Covert narcissists seek out certain types of people. They look for people who are kind, authentic, self-reflective, nurturing, loving, and caring people with a conscience.

Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Requires excessive admiration.

automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).

often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

Their reputation is extremely important to them. Overt

is common for people to be married to coverts for decades and not know they are married to one for most of the relationship.

Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realize the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties.

They don’t have empathy but have learned how to act empathetically. They will look you in the eyes, making you feel special and heard, make sounds and give looks that tell you they care, but they really don’t. They mirror your emotions, so it seems like they have empathy.

People who think or act as if they are amazing are their energy supply.

The effects of ending a relationship with a CN are similar to the effects of coming out of a cult.

CNs seem to intensify their behavior around middle age;

They tend to not have long-lasting friendships with people who know them deeply. They may have friends who have known them for years, but don’t really know them.

For example, they despise taking care of you when you are sick or recovering from surgery or an injury. They won’t tell you that, but you feel

They will give you subtle messages that make you question yourself.

You will come to realize that the CN has slowly programmed you to see things the way they want you to see them, and gave you messages about yourself they want you to believe so they could keep controlling and manipulating you into continuing to be their “supply.”

The stronger you become, the less they can control and manipulate you. When this happens, they no longer need you. You are no longer supplying them. This is when you feel their rage more than ever. This is when their behavior turns aggressive, cruel, and shocking.

how depressed they were for the majority of the relationship, how alone they felt, how they blamed their constant fatigue,

health issues, and sadness on other things, not realizing the toll the relationship was taking on their body and spirit.

CNs are often chameleons who can become whoever they are around. They don’t have a strong sense of self. They pick up what a person wants, and they become that. Because of this, people are impressed with how well the CN can seem to relate to all types of people.

They learn your vulnerabilities and insecurities. CNs make sure to build you up and compliment you in these areas. It can feel like they are part of your healing. They will later use what they learn about you to trigger you, manipulate you, control you, and wound you—it becomes the biggest betrayal you have ever felt.

When he would do things that weren’t kind or respectful, she would see him as a wounded man who never got the love he needed and would excuse his behavior over and over because of it.

Then you begin to experience little things, statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you. It is all very subtle.

The confusing thing is that while you are being devalued, you are also experiencing kindness.

you don’t notice your self-image and self-worth slowly declining over time.

You don’t notice the consistent devaluing because it is so subtle.

she planned the entire honeymoon without his help,

She was tired a lot,

They convince themselves that the love they feel for their partner is also how their partner feels for them when in fact this is not true, and never was.

CN will control you through their moods, through looks they give you, through statements they make that may not seem like putdowns on the surface but make you feel badly about yourself.

CNs don’t like to help around the house.

The mixed messages you get from a CN wreak havoc on your heart, mind, and body. They love bomb you and devalue you interchangeably for years.

Other times they rattle off a slew of words that make no sense, but deliver them as if they are completely normal. They also mix in words of love and affection. Then in the next breath, they tell you that you are vile and they are done with you. You have no idea who this person is. This is not at all who you thought you were living with all these years. You are left reeling.

The CN also becomes more aggressive with their words and actions than you’ve seen before, but once again, you are the only one who sees this side of them. It is an incredibly conflicting time.

The ironic thing is the CN usually initiates the end of the relationship, but it is often the survivor who actually files for divorce.

How they look to others is their top priority.

It’s probably been a while since you were able to get a good night’s sleep.

Many survivors have told me stories of CNs faking injuries and illnesses, some for years.

it is important to note that there is a spectrum with narcissists.

CNs have a lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage. They mask it around others, but when you live with them, it can feel like being next to a dormant volcano that could erupt at any moment.

CNs rarely seem like people who would lie. They come across as dependable and trustworthy.