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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Debbie Mirza
Then things became difficult, but that was because of outside circumstances, Amy always believed.
lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self, controlling, manipulative, selfish.
Absolutely true of my ex. Completely manipulative and selfish. Unable to think of anyone other than himself.
Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
Even when the CN acknowledged doing something wrong, they will still expect the treatment they received prior to the betrayal.
Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
It is common for people to be married to coverts for decades and not know they are married to one for most of the relationship. It is also common for people to be in dating relationships with covert narcissists (CNs) that go on for years.
They don’t have empathy but have learned how to act empathetically.
Very true. They can pretend but if you look a little closer, it’s extremely obvious it is nothing more than an act.
They will look you in the eyes, making you feel special and heard, make sounds and give looks that tell you they care, but they really don’t.
They mirror your emotions, so it seems like th...
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Covert
kind.
Many therapists don’t see through the mask and indeed are often impressed with how kind and aware the CN is.
they despise taking care of you when you are sick or recovering from surgery or an injury. They won’t tell you that, but you feel it. They let you know through passive-aggressive ways.
You think you’re just being too sensitive, reading into things, after all, they didn’t actually tell you they think you’re lazy.
Their mask cracks when you, the survivor, begin trusting yourself. The stronger you become, the less they can control and manipulate you.
My CN ex did not like me and would find ways to punish me when I stopped believing in his BS and lies.
They will later use what they learn about you to trigger you, manipulate you, control you, and wound you—it becomes the biggest betrayal you have ever felt.
They will find ways to wind you up, while appearing to remain calm, so they can point the finger at you and claim you’re the bad guy.
she would see him as a wounded man who never got the love he needed and would excuse his behavior over and over because of it.
It is important to know these are master manipulators who could fool just about anyone.
All the kind words and actions from the CN during the love-bombing phase—all the attentiveness, the open communication, the compliments, the ease of it all—sets you up so that when the subtle devaluing begins, you don’t even notice.
Then you begin to experience little things, statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you.
Throughout the marriage, she saw how he did so many subtle acts to make her feel like she was too opinionated, too strong, too loud. He never acknowledged the mother she was, the wife she was, all she did for him and their family. He did not acknowledge any of her accomplishments.
he was also telling her how beautiful she was, giving her heartfelt cards.
Heartfelt cards is another tool in my CN ex’s toolbox but like everything else, it was all talk, and no action.
They convince themselves that the love they feel for their partner is also how their partner feels for them when in fact this is not true, and never was. Covert narcissists are not capable of real love.
They project what is true about them onto you and you end up taking the blame without even noticing.
100% true.
It is also quite common for the victim to become responsible for everything. For instance, CNs don’t like to help around the house. They will, but the target will feel their anger and irritation. After time, the victim learns it’s just easier to do things on his or her own and to not ask for their help. The CN does not want to give in the relationship, only receive.
My CN ex was quite possibly the laziest and sloppiest person I have ever been around. Before he trapped me, he claimed to like things clean and we agreed on the level of clean. After was a very different story.
The thing you start noticing when you become aware of the issues with the CN is that most of what they say about you is actually a projection of what is true of them.
Many survivors have told me stories of CNs faking injuries and illnesses, some for years.
My CN ex pretended to have severe pain issues which was how he was issued so much pain medication to abuse constantly. He would always be in pain if I had an event or a test to take because he couldn’t stand the thought of me having fun or succeeding.
When a CN lies and you confront them about it, they will not acknowledge your feelings as would happen in a healthy relationship. They will never put themselves in your shoes. Instead, they will deflect, so the negative attention gets turned around on you and off of them. They will blame you for their bad behavior: “You made me do it, you drove me to it, this is your fault…”
Narcissists are deeply unhappy people. They get jealous of you when you are experiencing life and happiness. They do not want you to be happy and strong, as those feelings threaten their ability to control you. They
They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior. Instead, they project what is true about them onto you.
Another way they do this is by sharing their “fears” with you. “I’m afraid you are going to cheat on me.” Later, you find out they had an affair. “I have this
My CN cheated on me numerous times throughout the relationship but was always worried about me cheating.
fear that you are manipulating me.” They are the one manipulating you. CNs will manipulate you by putting the focus on you. They seem completely sincere, so you do...
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“I am taking responsibility for my part of this, but you ...
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A constant saying by my CN ex
It turned out the problems were actually about him because he had unresolved sexual issues he projected onto her.
They are so used to being chameleons, posing as someone they are not, it’s like their real self is unattainable.
They have no real self. They themselves are a lie and an illusion.
the way she had always taken care of things to ease his load.
CNs are very passive. They put the responsibility on you to make sure they are happy and blame you when they’re not.
They want the attention on them, so they sabotage days and events that are special to you like Mother’s Day,
They like to do things to keep you rattled, trying to get you to become unglued.
will talk about how they hate drama. They will put others down for being dramatic, even telling others how dramatic you are. Be aware that this is yet another projection.
CNs also have a remarkable way of acting completely innocent as they bring pain to others through causing confusion and dissension.
They will either stay quiet or in passive-aggressive ways suggest to you the criticism might be correct.
Most survivors say they were the ones planning dates, initiating communication, and trying to nurture the relationship.
Another tactic is where a CN will tell his new girlfriend stories of how terrible his ex was to him, how hurtful and difficult she was, how dramatic she was, how crazy she was. Two things happen here. The new girlfriend feels sorry for him, wanting to console him and give him all her attention. The second thing that happens is the CN has now given her subtle messages of how she must behave for him to want her and stay with her.
CNs do not respect you. They do not care about your feelings. They have a lot of rage and no empathy. They only care about themselves. This is the bottom line.
The relationship becomes a mixture of subtle cruelty and periodic affection. They will woo you and withhold from you.
You will expend a lot of energy trying to bring them back to you, trying to undo whatever you might have done. Then they will be kind to you, and you’ll feel relief. It’s an emotional rollercoaster run off their moods, and it keeps you constantly giving them attention.
