Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck

by Amy Alkon

Abe Vigoda, guesting on The Rockford Files, “Everyone gets to work their mouth; that’s the American way.”

THE BEAUTY OF INDIRECT SPEECH. (Why horny people invite you up to see their art collection.)

When one of these spitebags hurls a put-down at you, they expect that you’ll either try to fight back or just stand there blinking and wishing you could disappear. Instead, you should do the last thing they’d expect: Look straight at them for a moment, and coolly call them on their rottenness with a remark like “Clearly, you must have had a pretty bad day to feel the need to say something so nasty to me. I hope you feel better.” (Sincerity is not required here—just believability—so say it devoid of anger, and sound like you mean it.) By expressing sympathy for them, you’ve accomplished three things: 1. You’ve refused to accept their turning you into their victim. 2. You’ve come off classy and bigger than they are. 3. You still managed to stick it to them, sending the message, “Sorry your life is such a suckhole that your lone path to happiness is trying to make other people feel like shit.”

a few among us are what economists call “costly punishers”—people (like me) who get so enraged by injustices they see that they can’t help but go after the perpetrators, and never mind the potential costs.

They aren’t lying when they say somebody will look at your complaint, but they probably mean archaeologists digging up the police station in 2121. You can improve your chances of getting their attention in the present by mentioning that there’s also a body lying bleeding on your kitchen floor. (Ideally, to avoid penalties for filing a false police report, this should be true.)