Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck

by Amy Alkon

We humans are born overpromisers. Our brains are prone to “optimism bias”—the tendency to think positive instead of considering what’s actually realistic.

It’s criticism and blame—statements that attack and diminish a person—that fire up this defense system, causing people to rationalize and defend their behavior and then attack you for attacking them.

First, you draw out the person’s thoughts, feelings, values, and goals by asking them what they want for themselves. You listen empathetically and without judgment. And then—the kicker—after they’ve laid out how they’d like their life or some situation to play out, you gently ask them how their current course of action dovetails with that (or doesn’t). This is the point at which they are most able to see the discrepancy between what they want and what they’re doing.

In general, if you are not on fire, having a heart attack, or in some sort of business where your phone calls are expected and appreciated, the default position on phoning people should be what I have deemed the “Do Not Ever Call” rule.

Research by University of York psychologist Andrew Monk and colleagues showed that a one-sided conversation commandeers the brain in a way a two-sided conversation does not, apparently because your brain tries to fill in the side of the conversation you can’t hear.

Most “emergency” calls are anything but—unless we’ve redefined “emergency” to mean “whatever doesn’t inconvenience me in the slightest.”