Service Model

by Adrian Tchaikovsky

For all those robots and computers who enjoy working with and having stimulating relationships with humans.

Everything is wrong. I am aware of a very large number of inefficiencies. The doctor has attended multiple times at the same location for the same patient. The police require verbal communication for the benefit of humans who are not present. I have attempted to take Master’s corpse for a drive. None of these things are efficient or logical. I wish to report an error in the way that everything works.

Uncharles remained a very capable robot, albeit with something of an awkward ellipsis in his resume. He was, he considered, very employable. He was used to providing very high levels of service coupled with a very low, albeit nonzero, level of murder.

The induction had waxed long on the topic of robots and other automated helpmates replacing human labour, but he hadn’t realised that, back in the past, humans had worked so hard to live like robots. The endless round of tasks, the queuing, the utter repetitiveness of these people’s lives. They must, Uncharles predicted, be so grateful to have such lives designed for them. How good it must be to have no choices or options.

He felt as though he was the fallen tree in the forest, looking around with a “how about that, then?”expression, only to find that nobody had heard him after all.

“I cannot experience bliss, but I am able to model the benefits of ignorance.”