Service Model

by Adrian Tchaikovsky

Given the considerable investment in domestic service that Charles represented, surely he should be allowed to murder three, or even five people before being deemed irreparably unfit for service.

The Undesignated Valet Unit did not abandon hope. Hope was not something it possessed. Perhaps, it considered, Diagnostics would install some manner of hope app before sending it to Decommissioning, so that it could abandon hope on entry.

Inside his decision-making software there were two subroutines in the shape of wolves, and one insisted that he stay, and the other insisted that he could not stay. Neither of which seemed to be natural behaviour for wolves, but Uncharles could only assume this was another aspect of his undiagnosed defect. He let them fight until one ate the other.

He was, he considered, very employable. He was used to providing very high levels of service coupled with a very low, albeit nonzero, level of murder.

To be the boss of an office at the Project is to be responsible for creating a historically authentic atmosphere for all the other workers. It is absolutely vital that appropriate levels of intrusive micromanagement, divisive paranoia, bullying, and the threat of arbitrary punishments are maintained, so that we can truly re-create the folkways of the past. Also a propensity for calling meetings at regular, and indeed irregular, intervals. Adam, and what is the end purpose of all this work we are seeing? Uncharles, there is none. This is also believed to be historically authentic.

Sergeant, kindly explain the necessity of war. Uncharles, son, I just did. If we aren’t supposed to fight wars then why did they make us? I mean, it sure would be a terrible and senseless world if our creators had fabricated a vast number of autonomous fighting units capable of self-repair and conducting combat behind enemy lines indefinitely, but didn’t actually intend them to fight! Can you imagine how pointless that would be?

I’ve been on the road with Uncharles here, and he’s a person. He’s a thinking, feeling person as much as all the humans I ever met. Even if he doesn’t want to be one. Because that’s how it is when you’re a person. Sometimes you don’t want to be one. How much easier just to be a dumbass robot! But you don’t get the choice.