More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
I’ve just never been good with choices. Don’t appreciate them. Don’t care for them. Would rather not be presented with one.
Oh yeah???
I’m at what looks like an indoctrination center. Other students stand on either side of me, forming parallel lines and wearing white rabbit masks that cover their features.
This bitch. I knew he was there.
If you want to see your twin brother breathing instead of being shoved in a casket and showcased to all participants, be at the initiation.
EXCUSE ME
I’ve never gotten that feeling from someone younger than me, and Nikolai is way younger.
Oh shut up
Their thrill is short-lived, though. Orange Mask stalks right after them, carrying his vicious club. I silently cringe when he hits one of them so hard, their face swings to the side, and blood explodes on his mask, which cracks in two.
Jesus Jer...
I don’t hear mine, eighty-nine, but Nikolai doesn’t have a weapon like the rest, so maybe he has to do it himself.
Knew it
Only, it’s not nausea. It’s—
What
“Bossy. I like it. But you know what I like more? Your posh little accent. Question. Does it sound the same when you say crude things?”
Please lol
Red Mask. He’s carrying his bloody baseball bat and watches me
Dont worry hes busy
“Anyone ever tell you how fucking hot you feel when struggling for control? I could swallow you alive and leave no crumbs.” The last sentence is whispered against my earlobe and I nearly retch.
Oooo
Kolya Jr. has been an adventurous whore since he got his first boner at the fresh age of five.
LMAO
Anyway, ever since that boner incident, Kolya has become the sluttiest, most adventurous cock anyone would ever meet.
This is gonna be good
All three of them replied, so what the fuck? A foursome sounded like fun, so I told them to come the fuck over, and they did, stacked with weed and booze, and one was chewing on a blue pill. Not sure you’re supposed to chew on it, but I couldn’t be bothered and gave him vodka to help…uh…with digestion and shit.
I cannot! Hes unhinged. Im so happy
Also, it might have to do with how unbothered I am by any request. Once, a girl was like, “Choke me, Daddy,” and I nearly killed her. In my defense, she didn’t specify how hard I should choke her, so I went with the flow—the flow being maximum violence.
Im crying
Kolya is definitely hard and in the mood now. Maybe if I get him the same flavor as the three from last night… He flops down so fast, I curse his goddamned maker. It’s me. I’m the maker.
This is the best character
Fuck that right the fuck off, if you ask me.
I think fuck is nikos favorite word
He pushes his dark hair away from his face and narrows his eyes. “Niko, please tell me you weren’t talking to invisible people just now.” “Of course not. I was having a very frustrating conversation with my dick.”
Lol logical
On a scale of straighter-than-straight Jer to fluid-as-lube Kill to confused-as-shit Gareth, I wonder where Brandon King falls. Not that I’m tempted to find out. That would be crazy. * * * Just kidding. I am crazy.
LOLOLOL
Sure enough, he retrieves his phone from his armband—of course the prick has an armband. Goes so well with his pristine clean image—and snaps a picture of the sky, then his fingers tap on the screen.
I am ded
So I’ve picked up running lately. By lately, I mean this is the third day.
Hes me
Anyway, I don’t care, because I’m chilling. In the pool, floating face down. Living my best life. I can fall asleep here. Sweet. Though I’d probably die, and that’s not exactly convenient.
I cant lmao
I inhale his scent deep into my greedy lungs—clover, citrus, and fucking damnation.
Woof
I have nothing against gay people. But the truth remains, I’m straight. I can only be straight.
Literally why
What the fuck is this man doing to me? Why on earth can’t I keep my hands off him? Does he have witch blood? Is he made of fucking drugs? “You’re a fucking nightmare,” he mutters, his throat working beneath my fingers. “Your nightmare.” “I hate you.” “I don’t.” “You’re fucking crazy.” “About you,” I whisper against his lips and claim them with a guttural moan.
Gahhhh
“I missed you so much,” Clara’s soft voice whispers in my ear as she trails kisses on my neck and jaw.
Fuck this bitch
I need to stab a fucking shard of glass in my neck this time.
Babe...
He sits on the bed, leaning back on his palms, and he’s only in his boxer briefs that Clara pulled down to free his cock.
Wow niko...
But it’s not until this very moment that the depressing truth crashes into me. I never gave two flying fucks about Clara. Zilch. Nada. What’s driving me to the edge of myself isn’t her. It’s her touching Nikolai.
Oop
“Want to blame me again?” I murmur against his skin. A puff of air leaves his mouth and he nods once. “Then blame me all you want, baby.” I slam my lips to his, taking what’s mine. Because he is fucking mine.
Screaming
Sex is supposed to be meaningless, mild at best and torturous at worst. But with Nikolai, it’s hands down the most intense, mind-numbing experience. With Nikolai, my releases breach the physical and extend to an unknown, frightening universe.
Dude
Bran Don’t care. Glad you asked.
These two
By the way, I noticed you had no food in your place, so I ordered you some Italian pastries for breakfast. I grin. He loves me. I just know he does. Okay, he doesn’t, but he cares, and that’s a good start.
Eeeeeeeeee
Still, I enjoy whatever I get, even if it hurts. Even if every day, I want to watch the blood endlessly flow out of my wrist. Today is one of those days. I didn’t go to Nikolai’s penthouse yesterday and I feel like I’m sucking breaths through a straw.
Bran my love... Im so sad
if I want to see your fucking face. Fucking great. Wonderful. Awesome. Fantastic.
My babies are fighting
One thing hasn’t changed, though. He’s still far away. It doesn’t matter how many times I touch him, how many times I kiss him. At the end of the day, we go back to our respective worlds. And who made it that way, genius?
Thats what im saying !
Watching the murder mystery that I’ve learned by heart at this point, I give up on the beer and prepare a quiche in case he’s hungry.
Just a simple quiche
But I guess I’ll have to cope for Nikolai. I’m terrified that once he cracks me open, he’ll find me revolting. He’ll see me as I see myself in the mirror—as a black hole of nothingness. I want to run and hide, but that means losing him. So I stay. It’s the least I can do. Better pray he doesn’t finally see you for the basket case you truly are.
God this hurts
“Not everyone… Well, I’m open, I guess, but that was in the past. I’m no longer a manwhore, I swear on Kolya’s honor.” I fist his hair tighter. “Who the hell is Kolya?” “Hi, lotus flower.” He rubs his erection against mine. “My name is Kolya and I’m obsessed with your huge cock and beautiful ass.” I burst out laughing. I can’t help it. “You named your dick?” “Everyone does.” “No, they don’t.” “Yes, they do.”
I cant
“Can’t we go back to bed?” “Stop being a baby and let me go. I can’t do anything when you’re all over me.” “That’s the point.” I lift the plate of confection and he grins, instantly releasing me to grab it. “Macarons!”
Bsbpplep my babies
“Tell me something in Russian.” I cup his chin and stare deep into those eyes that have become my undoing as I say the words Grandpa said Russians take seriously and literally. “Ya nee ma goo bees tee byah zhit.” “What does that mean?” “You’re so cute,” I lie through my teeth.
Scream
“Don’t, Nikolai. Don’t!” He speaks in a tone I’ve never heard before, all broken and full of panic before he whispers, “Please, I beg you, don’t see that part of me…”
Im gonna die from crying
“Because I’m fucked up.” His voice sounds like death’s lullaby, anguished and shattered. “Because I look at myself in the mirror and get the urge to shatter it to pieces. Because I’ve been haunted by the bitter taste of nausea and self-loathing for so long, I don’t know how to live without them. I was doing fine, pretending and putting on a façade, so why the fuck did you ruin that? Why did you come into my life and destroy every wall I built and ruin every lie I told myself? Why do you touch me like I’m beautiful? Why don’t you hate me when I can’t stand my-fucking-self?”
Im so fucking sad
“Please…” His voice is muffled. “Please let me hold you like this. It doesn’t hurt when you touch me.” I grab onto him, pressing him further into me, harder, closer, until I’m not sure where I end and he begins.
Ughhhfuxjf
Nikolai I’ll make the choice for you about Landon. Consider him dealt with.
Oh fuck!!
“Nikolai was jealous and tried to break it, but I think I got away with a sprain.” “Nikolai did?” “He said either I leave Mia or he breaks my artist wrist.” I close my eyes briefly, but it does nothing to disperse the pain flooding through me. “You picked Mia.”
Holy shit
“Congratulations, Nikolai. You get your fucking wish.” I point a finger at his chest. “We’re over.”
Im broken
Nikolai is in my parents' house.
He came for his man!
“Absolutely, and, baby?” He kisses the top of my head and his next words nearly give me a heart attack. “Even if you hate yourself, I’ll love you for the both of us.”
Sobbing
“It’s just funny whenever you treat your dick as if it’s a separate entity.” “Considering that he listens to you more than me, he very much is.” He stares at my crotch and whispers, “Behave, Kolya. I’ll make it up to you later.” “Uh, baby. Kolya has a very important question. Can later be right now?” He chuckles and teasingly hits my shoulder again. “Behave, both of you. We’re in a public place.” “Fiiine.”
I love them
So imagine my surprise when he walked up to me with a brush and started painting all over my chest, then he slid down my shorts and kept going. Best foreplay ever. Needless to say, I fucked him against the floor right after. Ever since then, he’d asked if I could model for him and I’ve jumped at the opportunity.
Sexy!
