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Said man looks at me as if I’m a barbarian walking into his empire with primitive weapons and the intention of burning down his forts. He’s not mistaken.
You don’t get to bury yourself six feet deep and think you can still read me like a book. If I’m splitting myself open for you and allowing you to see parts of me no one else is privy to, you need to do the same. You owe me that fucking much.”
GO OFF
he will always be a massive part of my life. You can’t, under any circumstances, make me choose. I need you to understand that.”
His lower lip pushes slightly forward in a little pout and I can’t help the feeling of complete adoration that floods me.
“Don’t you fucking dare walk away from me or ghost me. I don’t give a fuck if you’re on a high or a murder spree. I couldn’t care less if you hurt me. You don’t come to me when you’re only okay, you come to me at all times. Am I fucking understood?”
“You don’t hide from me, either. I want you raw. Am I fucking clear?”
“What if you don’t like wha...
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“Yeah, Mum. This is Nikolai and he’s more than just a friend.”
Squealing and kicking my feet rn
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was supposed to be fucking glaring,” I say loud enough for everyone to hear.
Lmao Levi ily
Bran ducks his head and smiles as he spreads an unhealthy amount of apricot jam on some toast. My heart kind of fucking bursts.
Is he consoling him right now? Dear God, please blind my fucking eyes.
My wife has fallen into an irreparable puddle on her chair,
Me fucking too
My son is fully, truly, and irrevocably in love with the gangster.
God rest my soul in fucking pieces.
Okay maybe this is my new favorite line because LMAO
It feels like yesterday, but it isn’t, because one of my first babies has his own life now and probably won’t call or text me when he needs a pick-me-up.
“Baby, you need to stop saying things like that because I’m really never going to let you go now.” “Who says you have to?”
I think he’ll kiss me again, but he grabs my face and brushes his lips on my forehead in a soft, intimate kiss.
I may sob.
“Because this means I love the fucking shit out of you, baby. I can’t live without you and you’re not allowed to leave me.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper the words that feel as if they’re being pulled from deep in my battered soul. “Then don’t.”
He looks at me like he loves me, and that nearly makes me burst into both pleasure and tears.
I realize with astounding clarity that I’m not fucking him. I’m making love to him.
He’s not only touching my body. He’s breaching my newly born heart and my bruised soul.
“They were only physical. They meant nothing.” “And I do?” “Baby, you mean fucking everything.”
“Tell me, baby. I just want to understand and help you. If you don’t speak to me, I don’t know where to start.”
Because he shouldn’t love me.
“Remember when I told you I hate myself?”
“A long time ago, I did something so fucked up and I never…forgave myself for it.
Can you wait?”
“Even if you hate yourself, I’ll love you for the both of us.”
“Nikolai!” “Yes, baby?”
“So if he did have time, things would be different?” “No. You know why?” “Because I wouldn’t allow it?” “Because I never wanted a prince. I prefer an unhinged motherfucker.”
“Don’t smile. You’ll grow on me.”
He kisses me like he will never let go of me. Like he’ll burn for me as hot as I burn for him. I want this moment to last forever, please and fucking thank you.
Fuck me. He drew eyes for the first time in years and they’re mine.
Demons I didn’t know existed
flood my bloodstream, and pressure forms behind my eyes. As I watch and listen, I know, I just know that I’m never coming back from this.
He jumped from his bed and asked me what was wrong.
whispered, “Nothing. Can you hug me?”
He whispered, “Tell me who did this to you so I can end them.”
A man can’t be raped by a woman. That’s the stigma that stayed in my head even though the nausea from that time followed me for the rest of my life.
I betrayed that fifteen-year-old version of me and he rose from the decay and transformed into the reflection in the mirror. He became the pool of ink and the eyes who’ll never forgive me for letting him down.
“Don’t you fucking dare say his name with your rotten mouth. You don’t mention him. You don’t talk to him, and if you see him, you walk the other fucking way or, so help me God, I will kill you. Am I clear?”
I’ve survived years. I can handle a few more weeks.
Ink explodes from the back of my throat and I choke on it like I did that night beneath the shower. It floods my eyes, nose, and ears. It swallows my whole body until I can only see Nikolai through a black haze.
It’s all because of me. I am the fucking problem.
:(
There’s so much ink now, choking me, pulling me to its bottomless depths.
I can see the tears in his beautiful eyes. The eyes that I turned empty. The eyes that I destroyed.
My hand falls as the ink swallows me whole. It’s finally over.
I’ll never forget how his pulse diminished beneath my fingers, how I was begging and kissing his blue lips and asking, imploring, praying for a God I’ve never believed in to give him back to me.
“That’s my twin brother. My other half. You don’t get it, Dad. He…he’s my. Other. Half. And I couldn’t be there to stop him from trying to take his own fucking life. I couldn’t be there when it got to be too much. He pushed me away and I thought he hated me. All this time, I failed to realize he hates himself.”
