Red, White & Royal Blue
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Read between January 1 - January 27, 2020
18%
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You are the thistle in the tender and sensitive arse crack of my life. thanks!
28%
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When she gets into her work like this, it’s like trying to have a meaningful conversation with a high-speed computer that loves Chipotle and makes fun of what you’re wearing.
37%
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Alex, First Son of Inappropriately Timed Emails When I’m in Early Morning Meetings: Are you trying to get fresh with me?
46%
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“Oh, no … he’s … so … hot…” “I know, babe,” Nora yells back. “I want to … put my fingers in his mouth…” she moans, sounding horrified.
48%
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O, fathers of my bloodline! O, ye kings of olde! Take this crown from me, bury me in my ancestral soil. If only you had known the mighty work of thine loins would be undone by a gay heir who likes it when American boys with chin dimples are mean to him.
48%
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How’s that for lack of restraint, huh? You really wanna play that game with me?
49%
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“Do I go on your side of the cubicle and turn off your Dropkick Murphys Spotify station, no matter how much I want to?” Alex demands.
51%
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Alex wonders how such rich genetics conspired to make Bea and Henry both so interesting to look at, all mischievous smiles and swooping cheekbones, but punted so hard on Philip. He looks like a stock photo.
56%
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The next slide is titled: EXPLORING YOUR SEXUALITY: HEALTHY, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND?
57%
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The phrase “see attached bibliography” is the single sexiest thing you have ever written to me.
64%
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I’m really just having a great time here. I can see why all y’all had to marry your fucking cousins.”
66%
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Have you ever seen someone eat toast without anything on it? Harrowing, truly.”
69%
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At cruising altitude, he takes the chain off his neck and slides the ring on next to the old house key. They clink together gently as he tucks them both under his shirt, two homes side by side.
70%
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only you and I will know that I’m just sprawled in your bed, reading books and feeding myself profiteroles and making love to you endlessly until we both expire in a haze of chocolate sauce. It’s how I’d want to go.
70%
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Re: telling Philip, sounds like a great plan. If all else fails, just do what I did and act like a huge jackass until most of your family figures it out on their own.
70%
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Here lies Prince Henry of Wales. He died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock.
79%
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We will meet the queen and whoever the fuck else we have to meet to hash this shit out, or so help me God I will personally make your balls into fucking earrings. I will scorched-earth your entire motherfucking life.”
87%
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“I drank like nine Red Bulls to get through all of those and ate a weed gummy to level back out, so I’m flying at fasten-seat-belts right now.”
88%
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“My life is cosmic joke and you’re not a real person,” Alex says, wheezing.