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“You’re a messer is what you are,” he replied between mouthfuls of roast beef. “And that’s grand. We all love your messy antics.” “But?” “You’re not exactly boyfriend material now, are you, lad?” “Ex-fucking-scuse me,” I gasped, practically falling out of my seat in my outrage. “You’re one to talk, Mister Seeing One Girl While Pining After Another One Entirely.”
“Are you serious?” I shook my head and gaped at him. “Oh my god, Gerard, I’m not going to keep the babies from you.” “That’s what you say now,” he argued, moving for the basket in the corner of my room. “But I’ve been through this before, Claire.” Reaching inside, he gently scooped Dick into his arms. “I know how it goes when the mam gets a new partner.” Stroking him affectionately, he pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I won’t be pushed out of their lives.” “Gerard.” My mouth fell open as my brain absorbed his words. “I would never do that to our family.”
“That’s what they all say, but I’m telling you now, if you even think about letting him meet our babies, I will lose my fucking mind, Claire,” he added. “I mean it. It’s bad enough that I had to watch him take you out tonight, but if I see him in this room with these cats, I will lose it.”
“You’re the one in the relationship when you’re already in a relationship.” “I am not in a relationship, Gerard.” “Yes, you are,” he roared back at me. “With me!” “We are not together, Gerard.” “Yes, we are!” “I’m not yours.” “Well, I’m yours,” he came right back with. “I’m yours, Claire.”
“Stepping aside?” I gaped at him. “Gerard, you chose to step aside!” “Yeah, well now I’m choosing not to,” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “I’ll give you my weekends, Claire. I’ll give you my weekdays, too. Whatever you want. Cinemas. Restaurants. Date nights. It’s yours. Just promise me you won’t go out with him again.”
“It’s not okay,” I repeated, readjusting the towel I had wrapped around me. “Because this hurts.” “Don’t say that.” His voice was barely more than a whisper and laced with helpless urgency. “Please don’t fucking say that, Claire.” “This hurts me, Gerard,” I repeated, refusing to let him off the hook this time. “Your behavior is hurting me.” “I love you,” he stated quietly. “I always have. Take that whatever way you want. It’s still the truth.” “You can’t love me and then do stuff with other girls.” “Well, that’s exactly what happened,” he replied, voice torn. “I did stupid shit. Maybe it was
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“I would never break up with her.” “True,” Johnny mused. “Because breaking up with Claire would mean that you actually asked her out in the first place.” Smirking, he added, “And we all know you’re too pussy for that, lad.”
“You’re always telling me, Gerard, when I’m standing here begging you to show me.” “I can’t!” “Why not?” “Because it’s not that easy for me.” “Why?” “Because I’m afraid!” “Of what?” she demanded, pushing at my chest. “Huh?” She pushed me again. “What are you afraid of?” “You, Claire,” I roared back at her, chest heaving. “I’m afraid of you!”
“You’re afraid of me?” “Yes!” “Why?” “Because I fucking love you, Claire!” “I love you, too.” “I know,” he agreed. “That’s what makes it even worse!”
Apparently, that was too much to ask because the boy I wanted was broken in the head. He didn’t have the same feelings I had. He didn’t work the same way I did.
“Because it’s the truth!” Gerard roared, turning a dark shade of purple as his outrage clearly grew. “I didn’t choose any of this, okay? I was born and there you were, and I had these feelings. And they grew, Claire,” he roared, stalked toward me. “Holy shit did they grow!” Looking more furious than I’d seen him in years, he hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me roughly against him. “Like neon fucking lit-up boomerang feelings that keep coming back no matter how far I push them away!”
Kissing him felt like I had suddenly remembered the answer to a question that had been tormenting me for hours. You know the feeling of frustration when something is on the tip of your tongue forever, and you finally figure it out and relief floors you? Well, that’s how I was feeling in this moment. And if wasn’t just me doing the kissing, either. Gerard didn’t hesitate to reciprocate my kiss. Not for one millisecond. No, he was kissing me back, and I mean really kissing me back. With just as much flair and need and desperation.
“You know I love you.” He pressed me deep into the mattress with his big body, lips moving against mine when he bit out the words, “There’s only ever been you for me.” His words thrilled me but not nearly as much as his actions, because I’d had his words my entire life, while his current actions were brand-new.
“I am so fucking scared of breaking this,” he surprised me by saying. “Of wrecking what we have.” He shook his head and exhaled a pained breath before saying, “I could sit on the fence for the rest of my life and still be nervous.”
“This past week was fucking horrible,” he admitted in a gruff tone. “Fighting with you puts me in a bad place in my head.” He reached up and tapped his temple for emphasis. “When I’m not with you, it feels like I’ve misplaced a limb. It feels bad, Claire.” “I know, Gerard,” I replied, desperately trying to ignore the tremor of doom that was building up inside of me. “It’s the same for me.”
“Please don’t let me break this,” he begged, gray eyes locked on mine. “I can’t lose you, Claire.” “You won’t.” Leaning in close, I touched my forehead to his and whispered, “You couldn’t lose me if you tried, Gerard Gibson.”
“I’m serious.” I knotted my fingers in the front of his T-shirt and released a shaky breath. “I need you to stay.” “And I need to stay,” he agreed, pushing me deeper into the mattress. “So, don’t stop needing me.”
“You know, you’re like the brother I never had.” “Don’t get messy on me, Gibs.” He chuckled. “You haven’t had that much to drink, lad.” “Yet,” I corrected with a smile. “I’m so fucking glad your grandmother died when she did.” “Wow, thanks, Gibs.” “Because you’re here,” I tried to explain. “Fuck knows where I’d be if you hadn’t moved to Ballylaggin.”
“Why don’t you go and see what Claire is doing instead of standing around on your own all night, hmm?” Leaning a hip against the island, she smiled up at me. “I’m sure she’d love to have a dance with you.” “While I would love to dance with your daughter, it wouldn’t be a wise move.” “Oh?” She smirked. “And why not?” “Because I might be tempted to do more than just dance with her,” I replied in a solemn tone. “I might be lured into performing the physical act of love.”
But I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t exhausted from carrying the weight of my secrets. The weight of the blame. The truth was I wanted to tell someone. No, the truth was I wanted to tell Claire. But I couldn’t seem to find a way to open the can of worms I’d spent so many years sealing.
“No, I meant her dick,” I clarified, brushing her hand off my crotch and shifting sideways so that her ass was back on the bench and not on my lap. “Her?” “Claire,” I slurred before pointing to my dick. “And don’t get flattered by that reckless bastard because he’s as blind as a bat and can’t see whose hand is touching him.” I slapped a hand against my chest before saying, “But he can.” “So, that’s it?” Her tone switched from flirtatious to accusatory in an instant. “You’re just saying no?” “Yes, Dee, that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Reaching for my pint, I slid it toward her. “But here’s a
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“Because I want to end up with her, Dad.” I sighed heavily. “I really love her, Dad, and I want to tell her, but I’m so fucking scared of her walking away from me.” I hung my head in shame. “I feel like I’m wrong on the inside.” A shudder racked through me. “Like I’m infected.”
I didn’t want to look at it, but I forced myself to read the name Young in a similar bold font to one on my family’s plot. Anxiety thrummed inside of me, making me feel faint because I shouldn’t have come over here. I wanted to run, to hide, to shed my skin like a reptile and escape the evidence of the worst day of my life. Because my worst day was her last day.
“No,” Darren replied, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. “And from personal experience, I can honestly say that living with a secret like that eating away at your soul is a much worse fate than disclosing and having people not believe you.” He sighed heavily before adding, “The right people will listen, and they’ll believe.”
“But it can cause to you to physically recoil and withdraw from intimate situations with a partner.” “Even women?” “Trauma sees no genders,” he explained calmly. “It’s an instinctive thing.” “Like the back-of-your-mind kind of thing?” “Exactly,” he agreed. “It’s your subconsciouses way of alerting your body to danger, even when you might not be in any.” “Okay.” I nodded slowly, soaking in every word he was telling me. “Good to know.”
Darren smirked. “Just take my number,” he said, retrieving a business card from his coat pocket. “Call that number when you’re ready.” “Wait!” I called after him, but he was already walking away. “When I’m ready for what?” He didn’t respond.
“Please don’t do this. You’re my best friend. I need you.” “I’m not being your fallback anymore.” “You have never been my fallback anything.” “Yeah, I have, and I’m done with it!” “Claire.” “Just go, Gerard!”
“I’ve been a poor man for you,” he broke our kiss by saying. “I see that now. It took me awhile, and I fully admit that I’ve been a little caught up in my fucked-up brain, but I’m seeing it now, Claire.” His tone was charged, his eyes full of urgency. “I’m seeing you, okay? Not that I ever didn’t. But I’m hearing you, baby.” Exhaling a shaky breath, he dropped his head to rest against mine. “From here on out, I will follow you anywhere.” My heart leapt in my chest. “What do you mean?” “I mean it’s yours,” he ground out hoarsely. “Whatever you want from me. It’s yours, Claire.” “You really mean
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This time, when he reached for my hand, it felt distinctively different than all the other times. It felt more important. It felt like I was being seen and my feelings were being validated. It felt like forever. “You waited for me,” he said, squeezing my hand. “Now it’s my turn to wait for you.”
“I asked your sister to be my girlfriend,” I announced, deciding to get it out of the way right away. “I think it’s fairly obvious by now that I’m in love with her, Hugh.” Clearing my throat, I scratched my jaw before adding, “I’m serious about this, okay? I’m serious about her.”
I had been up all night going over my raging thoughts and what I might say to my oldest friend. Because as much as we liked to fight and banter, this was a delicate situation, and I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship. Hugh Biggs meant an awful lot to me—not as much as his sister clearly meant, but still. I needed him to be okay about this. I needed his approval. I needed him to know that I wasn’t fucking around anymore. That his sister wasn’t a game to me, and I was deadly serious.
“Don’t break her heart, Gibs.” My own one hammered hard when I heard his quiet request. “I won’t.” “I mean it.” His brown eyes locked on mine. “If you’re serious about this, and I really fucking hope you are, then don’t let her down.” “I am serious,” I vowed, swallowing deeply. “And I won’t let her down, Hugh.”
“I’ll be across the road when you’re ready,” I cut in and told her. “I’ll be waiting patiently, Claire-Bear.” “Okay.” A small smile tipped her lips upward, letting me know that she had caught on to the hidden meaning behind my words. “I promise not to keep you waiting too long.”
narrowed my eyes. “You know why.” “Nope.” Shaking his head, he rose to his feet and stretched. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Yes, you do,” I bit out, feeling my entire body rack with tremors when I watched him approach me. “You know what you did.” “And what did I do?” “You know,” was all I could get out, and I fucking hated how small my voice sounded. Like I was seven years old again. Or eight, or nine, or ten, or even eleven. My breath hitched in my throat, and I had to force myself to not cower. “You know,” I strangled out, chest heaving. “And she did, too.”
“You’re mistaken,” he tried to fuck with my mind by saying. “Confusing nightmares with reality, I reckon.” “No, I’m not.” I shook my head, feeling all kinds of fucked up and panicky. “I’m not confusing anything because I know what you did.” Swallowing deeply, I forced myself to choke out the words, “I remember.” “Oh yeah?” Stopping just short of me, he folded his arms across his chest and smirked. “Prove it.” Trembling from head to toe, I sidestepped his body and moved for my bed. “Actually, I can.”
“Looks like, despite my best efforts, I didn’t make a man out of you.”
His eyes flashed with panic before he quickly slapped on a confident bravado. “If you haven’t show anyone, and you clearly haven’t, it’s because you know nobody will believe it.” He narrowed his eyes. “Nobody will ever believe your truth over mine.” “There’s only one truth, Mark,” I forced myself to stand my ground and say, while I gestured to the letter in my hand. “And it’s written in here.”
“I want you out of my house and out of my town,” I doubled down and told him. “Today. This morning. Right fucking now.” “Or what?” “Or I’m going to tell.” “Tell?” He tossed the word out like it was something laughable. “Christ, what age are you?” “I’m seventeen now,” I bit out. “But I was seven when you raped me.”
“I was seven years old when you first raped me!” I said louder, refusing to be silenced a second longer by my fear of this man. “I was eleven years old when you finally stopped!” Blowing out a ragged breath, I glared at the monster standing in front of me with tears pouring down my cheeks and strangled out, “You took four years of my childhood from me, and I’ve been living in a prison in my mind every damn day of my life since. So, if you don’t want to risk spending the next seventeen years of your life behind bars, you’ll get on a plane and never come back!”
“But you’re ready now, aren’t you?” she mused knowingly. “Yes.” I exhaled a shaky breath and nodded eagerly. “I really am.” “Well, he’s right here, Claire.” My best friend grinned and gestured to the pitch. “That’s your man.” “You’re right.” I stood up and nodded in confirmation. “That’s my man.”
“Hey, 10!” I snapped, quickly closing the space between us. “Back the fuck up from my girl.” “See? I told you he was real. That’s Gerard,” Claire declared smugly, pointing a finger in my direction. “My boyfriend.”
“That’s what I needed to tell you!” Nodding eagerly, Claire shoved passed number 10 and barreled toward me. “I’m super sorry for interrupting your game, but it couldn’t wait.” “I don’t give a fuck about the game,” I called back, catching her midair when she threw herself at me. “You called me your boyfriend.”
“This is your last chance to get out.” “I’m in,” I heard myself tell her, and never in my life had I spoken more truth than I had in those two words. “I’m in, Claire Biggs.” “Good.” She smiled. “Me too.” And then she kissed me right there in the middle of the field, with the whole school watching. Holy fuck did she kiss me.
My heart boomed like a drum the entire way home from school, because it knew it was in trouble with this boy. Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” drifted from the stereo, but I couldn’t hear a word of it over the sound of my thundering pulse.
Something flashed in his gray eyes then, a rare glimpse of vulnerability that was quickly replaced with his usual warmth. “I love you,” he said, hands moving to settle on my waist. “I’ll do whatever you want, okay? Just set the pace here, Claire-Bear, and I will follow you anywhere, okay?” He rested his forehead against mine and expelled a shaky breath. “But I meant what I said about waiting. If you want to just cuddle, then that’s what we’ll do…”
“I feel like I’m holding glass in my hands here, Claire.” He pulled back to look at me, body trembling worse than mine in this moment. “Of course, I’m nervous.” Something tugged at my heart then, something deeper than affection, stronger than friendship, more permanent than forever, and I pulled up on my elbows. “I love you.” Lips grazing his stubbly jaw, I nuzzled his cheek with mine and pressed another kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I want it to be you.”
“Do it.” Shivering in fearful anticipation, I grabbed his shoulders and kissed him hard. “Just go slow.” Blowing out a shaky breath, Gerard leaned forward, rested his brow against mine, and pushed. And then he was deep inside of me. The initial jolt of pain that coursed through me was enough to sting my eyes with tears, but I held my nerve, too enraptured in the moment to care. Because this boy. If there was pain to experience, I wanted it to be at his hands.
“Are you okay?” I whispered, cupping his neck with my hand. He looked like he was in physical pain, as he clenched his eyes shut and moved inside me. “Gerard?” “Yeah.” Nodding, he kept his eyes closed. “Keep talking.” “Talking?” “Your voice.” He released a pained groan and buried his face in the curve of my neck, hips still thrusting. “I need to hear your voice.” “Why?” “Because I need to know it’s you touching me.”
“Did you keep it for me?” she asked, happily skipping over my random comments. “Your virginity?” Her eyes were bright with excitement as she bounced on her knees. “Omigod, I already know the answer, but I need to hear you say it.” “I’ve told you before, there’s only you for me, Claire-Bear.”
“What the…” Hugh muttered, looking around down at the crying girl pressed against him. “What happened?” “Ask the rapist protector!” “Gibs?” Hugh asked, turning around. “What happened?” “You know what, Liz?” Gerard replied calmly. “One of these days, you’re going to have to make peace with the fact that the only person responsible for your sister’s death is your sister.”
