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“My son Mark played outside center for Tommen back in the day,” the asshole himself continued to say, bragging and boring us to tears. “Of course, he didn’t turn professional like yourself. Went down the finance route instead.” “Probably for the best,” I taunted, struggling to keep my smile in check. “All things considered.” You know, since the academy frowns on rapists that drive teenage girls to suicide and all that jazz.
I didn’t say anything because what was the point? She wouldn’t believe me anyway. Caoimhe hadn’t. I desperately wanted to silence her with the truth. About the real reason her sister was dead. About what really happened that night. But I couldn’t because aside from the fact that I had never verbalized the truth to anyone still living on earth, Lizzie would never relent.
“You want to give me your weekend, Gerard Gibson?” Moments later, we were bathed in complete darkness. “Gerard!” I yelped, startled by the sudden blindness even though I knew it was coming. “I’ll give you all my weekends, Claire Biggs,” His hand reached for mine, fingers entwining in that familiar way I treasured. “I’ll give you my weekdays, too.”
“You’ve got this,” I said, holding a hand out to him. “And you’ve got me.” Always.
“I’ve got your face right here,” I assured him, using my cheek to nuzzle his. “I won’t let you go under.” “I’m going to hold you to that, Claire-Bear,” Gerard groaned, still gripping the tub.
Gerard turning his hand over, palm up, and entwined his fingers with mine. “Waste your time on me?” “For two reasons,” I explained, feeling my heart beat harder. “First, because I happen to believe that no time is ever wasted when I’m with you.” My cheek grazed his temple as I spoke. “And second, you’re my favorite person in the whole world. There’s no one I would rather spend my time with.”
“Now, close your eyes, Gerard. Take in the feel of the water on your body and how safe you feel right now.” Resisting the urge to press a kiss to his temple, I stroked his cheek with my nose and clamped my thighs around him instead. “I want you to replace the memory of that day with this one.”
Hugh and the lads assumed I was a fuckboy without a conscience, and I let it roll because why the fuck not? They’d be surprised if they knew the real me, the person I was beneath the surface, desperate for the kind of affection that I could control.
“And don’t even think about telling your little girlfriend about this.” Trust me, if I could erase it from my mind I would in a heartbeat. “She’s not my girlfriend, Dee,” I shot back with a clipped nod. “But don’t worry,” I added, moving for the door. “I have no plans to tell her.” “She won’t understand,” she called after me. “How your mind works. You’ll never be able to make it work with her.” “I’ll take my chances.”
“You know what they say Mark did to Caoimhe,” Feely said, following me inside a thankfully empty kitchen. “I know he’s not your brother, Gibs. I know that, okay. But she believes the rumors. She thinks he’s responsible and if you and Liz have a conversation about it, I think it might really help her to heal.”
“Whatever Shan can give me,” Johnny replied, ignoring the appalled look on my face. “I’ll take whatever she’s willing to give me.” He frowned again, thinking hard about something before saying, “You know, I think I’d love a daughter.” He scratched his jaw as he spoke. “I’d be delighted with sons, too, of course, but I’d love to raise a little girl with Shan.” Shrugging, he added, “You know, show her how different it should’ve been for her.”
“The fuck?” Johnny gaped at him before turning to me. “And your birthday’s not in March?” “No, it is not in bloody March, you sorry excuse for a best friend,” I huffed. “The fucking cheek of you forgetting my birthday.” “Sorry, Gibs, I could’ve sworn it was in March.” He scratched his jaw. “Why is March in my head?” “Because Shannon’s birthday is in March,” I growled. “You pussy-whipped prick.”
“Because you don’t love me the right way,” she whispered, leaning into my touch. “The way I need you to love me.” She reached up and covered my hands with hers. “The way I love you.” If I thought my heart was breaking earlier, it fucking shattered in my chest when I heard her vulnerability. “I do,” I replied, roughly clearing my throat. “I love you in so many ways.”
“I can’t wait forever, Gerard,” she whispered, her tone laced with sadness as she slowly withdrew. “It hurts too much.” Pain. It was everywhere in this moment. “I know,” I forced myself to say, while my heart screamed at her heart to hold on just a little bit longer.
Lizzie hit the nail on the head with everything she said—and everything she didn’t say. The bare bones of it came down to the fact that Bethany died that day when it should have been me. Lizzie didn’t say anything I didn’t already know.
“I’d do anything for you.” “Thanks.” Snatching my hand up in both of hers, she closed her eyes and leaned into my touch. “Bestie.” “Anytime.” I could feel my heart accelerate to a thousand beats a minute, because while I might be cradling her face in my hand, she was holding my life in hers. “Bestie.”
I was the one who knew her small parts, the insignificant oversights that made up the best parts of her personality. I was also the one who rescued her from that noisy bastard of a bull in the field behind Johnny’s place when we were kids. I was the one that took the shocks off the electric fencer so she didn’t have to. I was the one who spent every waking hour of my life not only adoring her but protecting her with my life. Not Jamie fucking Kelleher!
“Dee, lad,” Johnny repeated, pushing his hands through his hair. “Yeah,” I drawled slowly. “What about her?” Bristling with tension, he looked around us before leaning in close and whispering, “I think she’s been grooming you, lad.”
“And don’t fucking judge me,” I added, sitting up. “I’ve done a lot of favors for you that resulted in me owing favors to that woman.”
“That’s what horrifies me,” he snapped. “It’s wrong, Gibs. This is all wrong. It’s a consent issue.” I gaped at him. “Consent?” “Gibs,” he snapped, leaning over the table. “That woman has been fucking around with you since we were fourth year.” Shaking his head, he bit out, “Since you were fifteen.”
“No need to worry about me, Johnny lad,” I tried to appease. “I’m always okay.” “I can’t bleeding help it,” he admitted with a rueful smile. “Despite my best efforts, I’ve grown regrettably attached to you.” Smirking, he added, “And all of your sixteen other personalities.” “Aw, shucks.” I grinned back at him. “Is this your way of telling me you love me, Cap?” “Whatever floats your boat, Gibs.”
My life consisted of this girl. Of the perfume she wore. Of the smiles she offered. The clothes she chose on a particular day. The colors she painted her nails. She was tattooed inside of me, and I was hooked. Claire was my safe place.
Love her the right way. Switchfoot’s “Only Hope” was as accurate as a song could be if I had to explain my feelings for her, but I would never play it for her.
“Okay, I can’t,” Claire replied, words barely more than a breathy whisper. “But…” Taking my hand in hers, she placed it between her legs. “Can you?” “Claire.” “Please, Gerard,” she breathed, chest heaving, as she adjusted my hand so that I was cupping her over her underwear. “Please.”
“Say it again.” Gerard’s eyes flamed with heat. “One more time.” “I want this,” I repeated, breath hitching when his fingers trailed over me. “I want you.” Gerard traced his bottom lip with his tongue and leaned in close so that his lips were brushing my ear. “I’ll make it good for you,” he whispered, nuzzling with my cheek with his nose. “I promise.” “I trust… Ohhh…” My entire body jolted when he pushed his finger deep inside of me. “Oh…Oh god!”
I wanted him to have me, I realized. “Gerard.” I could feel his erection stabbing my thigh as he lay on his side facing me, propped up on his elbow like some Greek god. “Hmm?” “I love you,” he whispered, fingers still moving expertly inside of my body, as he evoked feelings from my body I never knew existed. “I love you, too.”
Obliging my neediness, Gerard continued to gently crook his finger inside of me until the last of the delicious lightning bolts drained from my body. Only then did he remove his hand from between my legs and reposition my underwear back in place. The moment he did, I suddenly felt panicked, unsure of what would happen next. But then he rolled us both into our usual sleeping position, and I felt myself relax. Hooking an arm around my waist like he had every night since we were children, Gerard pressed a kiss to my shoulder and whispered, “Night, Claire.” Reeling in the darkness, I clutched his
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Because I had fucked up. Because I’d tainted her. This beautiful, willful, loyal, and innocent girl. I’d put my hands on her when I had no right to and crossed the point of no return. Still, as guilt-ridden as I felt, there was no denying that her presence was stabilizing me in a way I’d never felt in this house. Not since my dad moved out, at least.
“Why would you have a problem with me and Pierce?” Lizzie snapped back. “It’s not like he’s related to the fucking monster that ruined your family.” Her eyes were full of hurt when she said, “And it’s not like I purposefully chose to betray my friend by getting with him.”
“I know you paid off my drug debt.” Clear-eyed and sober, Joey stared right at me. “I owe you a lot more than this.” “You don’t owe me anything, lad,” I replied, feeling weirdly emotional. Claire once referred to Joey Lynch as the comeback kid, and I couldn’t think of a better definition. Grinning, I added, “Although, if you really want to thank me, you could always make me AJ’s godfather.” His lips twitched in response. “Don’t push it.”
“Only because you were too chicken to face me,” she hit the nail on the head by stating. “I mean honestly, Gerard, could you be more transparent? When have you ever chosen the gym over sleeping in?” “When I put my fingers in my best friend, that’s when!” I shouted back, throwing my hands up in despair. “I am so fucking sorry about that, by the way, Claire-Bear.”
“You have some nerve to speak to me like that.” “Like what?” I demanded. “Like I’m not sorry for you? Well, guess the fuck what, Liz? I’m all out of pity. The well ran dry a long time ago.” “Yeah?” she sneered. “Well, I’d rather be a bitch than a rapist any day!” “I’m not a fucking rapist!” “Nah, you’re just related to one.” That was it. That was fucking it. I couldn’t take this anymore. “He is not my brother.” My entire body trembled and shook as I glared back at her. “That asshole is nothing to me. He’s not my blood. He’s not my brother. He’s not my goddamn anything, so don’t you dare keep
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“Shit, maybe Beth should have drifted into the motor of the boat after she drowned, at least then we’d have a little blood and gore for the sob story.” “You know I didn’t mean it like that.” “You don’t know what you mean, because you haven’t thought clearly a day since she died,” I shot back. “You’re programmed on pain and bitterness. I’ve tolerated your bullshit for years because I knew how you felt. Because I know how it feels. But you crossed the line coming in here and pushing Claire around. Now, the rest of our friends can keep handing out hall passes for your horrendous behavior, Lizzie,
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“He didn’t even apologize,” Lizzie strangled out, entire body heaving with shudders, as her emotions got the better of her. Collapsing in a heap, she stared aimlessly at the floor. “Mark Allen raped his girlfriend. His girlfriend who was my sister. He raped her, and then she killed herself because of it. Because she couldn’t live with what he did. And then he got to walk away and live his life while my sister’s defiled body rots in the ground.” Tears trickled down her cheeks when she looked up at me. “She’ll never get to grow up. She’ll never turn nineteen. She’ll never get married and have
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She had the horror story versed off by heart, the one that made Caoimhe the victim and him the monster, while all I had was a crumpled-up letter under my mattress and the truth.
“You could have come to me.” Lizzie’s gaze immediately flicked to my brother, and she choked out a pained breath. “Yeah, because that would have gone down really well.” “You could have come to me,” Hugh repeated, eyes locked on hers in what felt like a blazing stare-down. “You can always come to me.” He swallowed deeply, Adam’s apple bopping before whispering, “No matter what.” “No matter what,” Lizzie repeated, whispering the words to herself, as she retrained her attention on her mug.
“What the…” My words trailed off when my eyes took in the carnage. Gerard’s room was trashed. I mean, seriously trashed. Every poster and picture frame that had once adorned his bedroom walls were now littered around his floor.
“You know Gibs,” he replied breezily. “Spat the dummy and stormed off hours ago.” “Where did he go?” I bit out, enunciating my words clearly. What did you do? “You tell me, Baby Biggs,” he replied with a chuckle. “You were always the one who could find his hiding places.”
“You have a lot of fucking nerve to show your face back here!” my brother roared while he pinned Gerard’s stepbrother to the bedroom wall. “You fucking monster!” “I’m…innocent,” Mark strangled out, pulling and tearing at the hand Hugh had wrapped around his throat. “Ask…the…Gards…” “I don’t give a shit what the Gards say,” my brother snarled, looking more furious than I’d ever seen him. “We all know what a piece of shit you are!” He slammed Mark against the wall. “How fucking dare you come back to this street!”
“Do you hear me? You keep your goddamn eyes off her!” “Or what?” the older man goaded. My brother narrowed his eyes in challenge. “Fuck around and find out, asshole.” “Relax, kid. I’m married now,” Mark spat out. “I have no intention of looking at your sister.” “I’m not talking about my sister,” Hugh roared, chest heaving. “This is your one and only warning, asshole.”
and I could feel exactly why he would say that growing against my belly. “Especially since…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. “This is just a really, really bad idea, Claire-Bear.”
“We need to talk, so just talk to me, dammit.” “And say what?” he asked softly, his breath fanning my face. “How about you start by telling me how you feel.” “I don’t feel anything.” He stepped closer, causing my back to hit the wall once more, but this time his body was flush against mine. “Not about Lizzie. Not about him. Not about any of them.” The move seemed to cause a shiver to roll through both of our bodies simultaneously. “I don’t feel a damn thing.”
“Please what, Claire? What do you want from me?” “You!” My chest was heaving against his, my entire body screaming out for him, and I honestly felt like I might die on the mortal spot if he didn’t put his lips on me. “I want you, Gerard!” “I’m right here.” “That’s not what I mean, and you know it,” I strangled out. “I want you to talk to me about how you’re feeling! I want you to open up to me, dammit!” “I can’t.” Devastation washed over me like a tidal wave. “Why not?” “Because I love you too much!” he surprised me by saying. Expelling a pained breath, he dropped his head to rest on my
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“I’m your best friend and instead of letting me in, you keep pushing me out.” “Claire.” “No. No more excuses, Gerard!” Shaking my head, I pushed at his chest and willed him to wake the hell up. “I’m right here, okay? I’m right here for you.” “I know that.” “Then do something!” He didn’t. Instead, he opened his mouth. “Claire, if you could just…” “No. Stop!” I shook my head. “I don’t need any more of your excuses, Gerard Gibson.” Chest heaving, I stepped around him and moved for the exit. “I need your truth.”
“Are you fucking with me? Mam, you know how I feel about him!” I practically roared, body trembling. “And please don’t label that piece of shit as my family. You might consider him to be yours but I sure as hell don’t consider him to be mine!”
I seemed to be even more frustrated by the fact that I desperately wanted to cross those lines again, while he showed zero interest. Not only had he given me the first and best orgasm of my life, but he was pretending like it never happened.
“You had your chance, lad. You let her go.” “I didn’t let her go,” I argued, coming as close as I ever had to blowing a head gasket. “I’ve never let her go a day in my fucking life.”
“When you and Shannon were together,” I repeated, rubbing the back of my head. “Was it different?” Johnny nodded. “It couldn’t have been any more different.” “Really?” “Yeah, lad, really,” he replied. “Feelings change everything.”
“Yeah, so I think I have a similar affliction.” Johnny chuckled knowingly. “You’re only figuring that out now?” “What can I say?” I sighed heavily. “I’m a slow learner.” “Nah, Gibs,” he mused. “You’re a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for.” “Clearly not,” I argued. “Considering she’s going out with someone else.” “Then do something about it,” Johnny urged. “Change the narrative.” “Change the what?” “Go get your girl, Gibs!”
Edel Kavanagh pressed a kiss to Shannon’s head and smiled dotingly at her. She would be okay. I didn’t need any other validation. Shannon had been born to be a Kavanagh.
