Funny Story

by Emily Henry

“You know what I think?” he says. “What?” I ask. “I think we should just fucking do it,” he says. My heart spikes upward. My skin goes very hot, then very cold. “What?”

“Let’s RSVP,” he says. “Let’s go to their wedding. And get wasted. Eat the cake before they’ve even cut it, and puke on the dance floor.” I laugh. “Okay.” “I’m serious,” he says. “Let’s go.” “No way,” I say.

Ashleigh’s mouth forms a perfect circle. “You’re kidding.” I hide my face behind my hands. “I’m not.” “I love it,” she cries.

“What do we love?” I open my eyes to find Miles arranging wineglasses in front of us. “Your fake relationship,” Ashleigh says.

“Well, I don’t,” I say. “Now there’s no good way to get out of it. I mean, when we ‘break up,’ Peter will get to feel smug and superior about that.” “That’s no problem,” Miles says, pouring a taste of white wine for each of us. “All we have to do is get married, and then stay together until they split up. And if they have kids, just have one more than them. If they get a dog, we get a cuter dog. If they buy a new house, we get a mansion.”

“Daphne,” he tuts. “Daphne, Daphne, Daphne.” “Let me guess: I’m a clueless fool,” I say. He starts the car. “No, just a sweet, naive, beautiful little innocent, raised in captivity by a man who loves wheatgrass.”

“Honestly, it’s hard to even look at her sometimes, because it makes me think about everything I should’ve done differently, all the shit I try not to think about, and I just start feeling like I’m about to self-destruct.”

“You weren’t the adult,” I say. “I was what she had,” he argues.

“Not to mention, all day long, my sock kept getting caught under my heel,” I say.

“Thank you,” he says. “For what?” I ask. “Just, thank you.”

Could feel that I was standing outside of things, waiting for the moment I would finally become a part of it. Here, tonight, though, I’m in the center of everything. This moment, though fleeting, belongs to me too.

Dear god, what did I do to deserve this? Oh, right. I lied about being in a relationship with this man, then jumped his bones at a lavender farm to upset my ex-fiancé. That could’ve done it.

“It’s just…” He shakes his head. “You always assume I’m being so selfless. Like it hasn’t occurred to you I might want to hang out with you. So when you turn me down, I have to figure out if you just don’t feel the same way, or if you think you’re doing me some kind of favor. And I never can.”