Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

by Marlene Winell

Parents are expected to make clear that emotional needs are met through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Because of that, many parents seem to feel absolved of responsibility for these needs.

Since people are not given credit for good intentions and capability, there is little if any effort to actually teach skills for healthy human relationships.

Yet when behaviors do not match stated beliefs, children see the contradiction, and they suffer the damage.

Since the entire fundamentalist system of thinking is absolutist in character, it is very threatening, and often impossible, for fundamentalist Christians to admit and examine areas of unhappiness in themselves.

The same process can happen in fundamentalist families. The parents, who must also believe that all is well, maintain this system of fantasy. Problems which would appear blatant to the outside observer simply go unnoticed and, consequently, unaddressed, because these parents cannot admit any fault. Thus the dynamic is not so much willingness to neglect or abuse children, but an outright blindness to problems. This kind of denial can be even more intense than what occurs in nonreligious abusive families that are incapable of processing the truth. This is because the religious person would have to examine his or her foundations in order to admit imperfection. Values and assumptions about reality and the meaning of life would have to be assessed.

The plot of Encanto

If the family is hurting, then something must be seriously wrong. The spiritual system may be inadequate (since problems are considered spiritual rather than human), and if so, then God must be inadequate — and then all is lost. The resulting panic would be devastating.

A child who tries to say that the emperor has no clothes doesn’t stand a chance.

Bruno from Encanto

I learned to fight back in ways that made me ashamed of myself.

I tried to empathize with the pressure she must have felt in juggling family and career, but to no avail. Mom said, “I didn’t neglect my children!” She couldn’t even imagine that there was any issue that could have affected her children.

This whole story is my family to a T

“You will behave. You will do these kinds of behaviors: If you don’t, you are a heathen and you’ll be rejected. You’re not to be loved. You’ll be punished and rejected.”

Come back to this for inspiration. I feel this with daddy and Hayden and know that this is what I would get if I didn’t do what I was supposed to do

And the kids suffer the most, I think, from that twisting and guilt tripping — an awful lot of fear. Instead of getting security, you get guilt and fear laid on you.

In a family system focused on control rather than nurturing, enforcing obedience can become so all-important that abuse occurs.

The fundamentalist worldview fosters the personal insecurity and interpersonal distrust that can contribute to this family dysfunction. Principles are considered more important than persons. Soon people, especially children, are dishonored and hurt.

In reality, he says physical assault only breeds rage and hostility, with negative outcomes.

My father would talk about Christian charity, but he was unforgiving, judgmental, and punitive. His religion was a wonderful way to control other people, especially his children.

fundamentalist wives have difficulty stopping the cycle of violence in their marital relationships because of religious beliefs about marriage and sex-role stereotypes.

Moreover, fundamentalist clergy are likely to be unsupportive or to even unknowingly endanger battered women because of legalistic attitudes.

nice little girls don’t get angry and they don’t hurt anybody’s feelings.

So you just keep everything inside of you. You keep stuffing it down, down, down. So when I had my midlife crisis, then everything fell apart.

If one believes instead that humans are basically good and have inner resources that can be trusted, then feelings are perceived very differently.

Through feelings we experience life, its joys and sorrows, to greater heights and depths. Without feeling, we are dead.

Many people fear the idea of emotions getting out of control and causing damage. However, as you come to understand and accept yourself more, you will naturally learn to use your feelings appropriately.

Elsa from Frozen: She saw her emotions hurt her sister, so she stuffed them down and hid them away

your adult listens to your child and then uses those feelings for effective decision-making and action.

But notions such as “trust your gut,” “doing what feels right,” and “following an instinct” are not allowable in the fundamentalist context because they would mean looking to yourself instead of God.

But how do you distinguish between the Spirit and your own intuitive urge?

In being faithful, you learn to twist very normal emotions and reinterpret them beyond recognition.