Home Is Where the Bodies Are

by Jeneva Rose

Someone choosing to leave your life is a hard thing to live with.

I’ve never been fond of eye contact. It feels too intimate.

I open the Memories box and cough on a cloud of dust that swirls in the air. That’s how memories are—dormant dust waiting to be stirred

My kids hate it, always groaning at me to put away the camcorder, to stop taking photos. But one day they’ll appreciate the time and effort I put into preserving our family memories.

“The first to stand in your way. Other people are going to tell you no. They’re going to tell you that you can’t do something, you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy. You don’t need to do that. Don’t add to the noise. Because that’s all it is . . . noise. You be a voice, a voice for yourself.”

But I know the worst things always happen in an instant, and once you’ve experienced it, you’ll forever be on the lookout, bracing yourself for it to happen again. It’s both a blessing and a curse because it forces you to live in the moment while also fearing the next.

For a moment, it feels like we’re teenagers again. But I like what we have now more—the deep connection threaded through decades, children, a home, and a life we’ve built together. I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

Why’d she even write them down to begin with? Perhaps it was cathartic to tell someone her story, even if it was just a blank page. I can understand that. There are many truths that I have written only for myself. Because some stories aren’t meant to be shared.

I think they’re tired of life. Sometimes life gets old before we do.

“Things like buttons and keys go missing. People shouldn’t.”

Age doesn’t always mean maturity. Sometimes it just means they’ve spent more time on earth, and the only things to show for it are diminished bones and skin etched with deep ridges. Not wisdom. Not value, just time.

The moments that change us forever always feel recent, because we carry them with us whether we want to or not.

I spent my whole life being nervous up until I realized that life happens in between the beats of our own heart, and if it thumps too fast, there’s no space for us to live.

Before I start, I clear my throat and exhale through my nose. Breathing in the present, breathing out the past.