Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

by Margalis Fjelstad

Both will also go to extremes to protect their emotional vulnerability. Most important, both use many of the same defense mechanisms: blaming, projection, devaluing, idealization, splitting, denial, distortion, rationalization, and passive-aggressiveness. Narcissists also use omnipotence, whereas borderlines will use acting out. Sometimes these defense mechanisms can reach delusional or psychotic levels.

Both need a Caretaker to provide extensive validation, to let them have control over the relationship, to give them an unending amount of attention, and to reassure them that they and the Caretaker have the same thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

NPs are also afraid of being close to anyone. They are afraid of being absorbed into someone else’s personality and emotionally annihilated, and they fear being used or humiliated by the person they depend on. This creates an intimate lifestyle of seeing the loved one as both the “savior” and the “enemy.” They pull the loved one in closer and then push him or her away over and over as their needs and fears battle each other. This

The needs of other family members are not considered in this design. Family members must learn to give into the BP/NP’s wants and needs or else pay the price of a temper tantrum, rejection,

Many Caretakers go into jobs as teachers, nurses, counselors, and managers where these skills are highly valued and in demand. HOW CARETAKING IS DIFFERENT FROM CODEPENDENCY Caretaking may sound a lot like codependency. Codependency seems to be a more pervasive set of personality traits that are applied in every aspect of a person’s life, including at work, in friendships, at school, in parenting, and in intimate relationships. Codependent behaviors could be described quite similarly

Caretakers take on this role almost exclusively inside the family and primarily only with the borderline or narcissist. Often Caretakers are very independent, good decision makers, competent, and capable on their own when not in a relationship with a borderline or narcissist. It is almost as if the Caretaker lives in two different worlds with two different sets of behaviors, rules, and expectations, one set with the BP/NP and another with everyone else. You may even hide your caretaking behaviors from others and try to protect other family members from taking on caretaking behavior, much like child abuse victims try to protect siblings from being abused.

BP/NPs typically feel that it is just too much to ask of them to be responsible for anything they haven’t decided to do. They also will leave tasks unfinished when they no longer feel like doing them. Often they believe they are too busy, too stressed, too upset, too angry, or too depressed to deal with all that sort of thing. Anyone who asks them for more than they feel they can do is likely to get verbally abused or made to feel horrible for even considering burdening them with such a request. Therefore, the Caretaker takes on more and more responsibility and family obligations because the BP/NP just won’t do them, and it is way too much work to even ask the BP/NP to do his or her share.

By blaming others for everything that goes wrong (including the BP/NP’s own uncomfortable internal feelings), the BP/NP is able to avoid his or her own hostile, internal self-judgment.

BP/NPs often hold an extremely perfectionist standard for the behavior of others while expecting very few or no consequences for their own behaviors. This unfair yet rigid application of rules and roles by the BP/NP is treated as normal by everyone in the family. Healthier members of the family are expected

The BP/NP may be irresponsible, abusive, sarcastic, self-centered, and mean, but you are required to make the BP/NP feel better, never disagree with him or her, and never tell people outside the family anything negative about the BP/NP.

When you are continually blamed for what happens, you can come to feel that you actually are responsible. This responsibility can give you a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. On the other hand, it can also make you think that you have the power to change things. You may feel that it is all in your hands and that everyone is relying on you. This is another delusion. Taking the blame is not a way to gain power

The BP says, “I hate you and I can’t stand to look at you,” but the BP won’t leave you alone. The day after a rage, the BP acts like nothing ever happened. The BP describes himself as a “positive” person.

After the BP tells you how uncaring you’ve been, she wants to be comforted.

Because of the demand for everyone to be the same in the BP/NP family, intimacy is completely absent. Intimacy does not occur

when everyone must be alike. Your need for intimacy, however, is a deep human craving and is part of your life purpose. People in BP/NP relationships have both a great longing for intimacy because it is missing and a great fear of it because it would disrupt the pseudointimacy of the “all is one” feeling of merging that they believe keeps everyone emotionally safe and accepted. Basically, merging is exchanged for real intimacy. Since you very likely don’t have much idea what real intimacy feels like, you are not likely to want to give up merging for the unknown.

You believe that somehow if you just did the “right thing,” you would be able to help the BP/NP become happier and more satisfied, and then the BP/NP would show you the love that

This makes you vulnerable to overfunctioning in relationships and putting up with a partner who is severely underfunctioning. When the

lasts longer than a few days or hours. The BP/NP has had many rejections in love before you came along. Others have experienced the BP/NP’s controlling and even selfish behaviors in relationships and have left. You, however, see the clues but don’t leave. Instead, you feel drawn in, you may feel the BP/NP needs you, and you may feel rewarded for your rescuer responsibilities. You feel a level of excitement and hope. You see a match. At first, this seems like a comfortable

relationship. To you, nothing seems particularly amiss. Somehow you know all the corresponding moves in this relationship dance, and you feel like you have a wonderful chance to make life better for the BP/NP. However, this is not intimacy;

In the middle of the continuum are the Caretakers who may never have been a Caretaker in other relationships. You may find yourself stuck in the relationship with the BP/NP because you are a good-hearted person, caring, understanding, and rather confused by the strange behavior of the BP/NP. You have a strong tendency to feel sorry for the borderline’s

pain or lured into the excitement and fun that the narcissist offers early in the relationship. Protesting colluders tend to be extremely loyal and expect high levels of commitment from themselves. However, you are surprisingly willing to be forgiving and overly tolerant of the lack of commitment and participation by the BP/NP. You may have had one BP/NP in your family growing up, and you probably have had a friend or two who would fit the BP/NP description. The main element

You collude with the BP/NP to protect the relationship from dissolving, usually by your own perfectionistic demands that you be loyal to the BP/NP no matter how he or she treats you. Protesting colluders are the most vulnerable to being tricked by the BP/NP’s promise to change. You think that if the BP/NP acts nicer one time, the relationship will start moving in a more positive direction and that everything will improve. Surprisingly, you can be tricked over and over without any substantive changes by the BP/NP. Your sense of loyalty demands that you be continually forgiving and hopeful even without any real

You try to make demands that the BP/NP treat you better, and you may spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to prove to the BP/NP that you deserve better treatment. You especially try to use logic with the BP/NP to convince him or her that you are right and the BP/NP should just “do it your way.” However, nothing in the relationship ever does change because you are not willing to take the difficult step of enforcing consequences on the BP/NP for his or her neglectful, selfish, and uncaring

Although you may be used to a lot of emotionality from the BP/NP, your role as Caretaker is to remain calm, organized, rational, and unemotional. However, inside, you may have high anxiety, sadness, self-critical shame, and even hidden rage and inner guilt, but it is unlikely that you will show that to the BP/NP or anyone else. The BP/NP is often very intolerant of anyone else expressing emotion. So you have learned to ignore or repress your own feelings. You may not even know what your feelings are when you are in the presence of the BP/NP because

These explosions in Caretakers may happen only once or twice a year, but they are very memorable and embarrassing to you.

Caretakers do not let go of any relationships easily; you will try everything possible, including giving up your own feelings and needs, to save the relationship with the BP/NP. You may feel that letting go of this relationship is a personal failure. You may have a mystical feeling that if you had been good enough, you could have made it work by your sheer determination. This is emotional reasoning rather than reality thinking.

In fact, most Caretakers who are not in a relationship function extremely well. You are emotionally healthier, take better care of your own needs, and enjoy friendships and social activities that you don’t have time for when with the BP/NP. The belief that you have to have the BP/NP in your life to function and be happy is an emotional distortion. Believing that you absolutely must be successful in this relationship

“Always,” “never,” and “forever” are words tossed around like they really make sense, which they don’t in relationships.

Constantly being blamed leads you to believe that you really are responsible for the feelings and reactions of the BP/NP. Feeling responsible can even seem appealing to some Caretakers because you start thinking that you have control over

The BP/NP screams obscenities at you for three hours. When you finally get mad and yell back one comment, you see yourself as “just like” the BP/NP.

You try to please the BP/NP. You try to make life calmer and more predictable. You may get so used to plans falling through because of the BP/NP’s sabotage, inability to function, or suddenly changing emotions at the last moment that you give up planning anything you want.

Many Caretakers describe life with a BP/NP as having another kid in an adult body to take care of. As a Caretaker, you are certainly good at putting on a happy face, acting calm, and

amiss. Behaviors that would drive a noncaretaker away quickly from a relationship often don’t even register with you. You may even be proud of yourself for how well you do in a crisis. This keeps you from recognizing that chaos really isn’t normal.

Obviously, if you are caretaking a BP/NP, then it stands to reason that your needs aren’t getting taken care of. When I ask Caretakers how they take care of themselves, I usually get blank stares or explanations that they would feel better if the BP/NP would just think of his or her needs. You may think that taking care of the BP/NP actually is taking care of yourself. However, this is a good example of your thinking that you and the BP/NP are fused into one. When only one person’s needs get met, they will always be the BP/NP’s needs, not yours.

If you are like many Caretakers, you may find this idea very upsetting. It flies in the face of your deepest fantasy that the BP/NP will eventually love you enough to start considering what you need and want to give it to you. You have spent your life taking care of the BP/NPs needs; when will it ever be your turn? It doesn’t feel fair. And it isn’t fair. After all, you have

You especially like to please the person you love and find it easy to believe their complaints about you. If the BP/NP says that you’re selfish, you will probably try your hardest to be giving, kind, and even overly considerate to change the BP/NP’s view of you to match what you believe about yourself. If the BP/NP says that you are mean, you will more than likely give in to whatever he or she wants in order to show that you are caring. You begin to exaggerate your kindly behaviors at the same time that you start doubting your perceptions of who you are. However, this giving in and giving up only seems to reinforce the accusations from the BP/NP and increases your own self-doubts.

you have “taken to heart” and internalized, usually as the result of words, attitudes, and comments from the NP/BP parent or spouse. The constant demand for perfection in yourself, your need to seek approval from the BP/NP, and your failure to “fix” the borderline, to get the narcissist to love you, or to somehow make everyone’s life happy

You may wonder why it has been your lot that you care for someone else rather than being cared for. Do you ever wonder why is it that you are required to meet such high demands? It can seem impossible to believe that you have had a part in putting these expectations on yourself, and it may take you a while to release yourself from the slavery of being the Caretaker for the BP/NP.

Caretakers most often say that they give in and give up and do everything that the BP/NP wants primarily to avoid the BP/NP’s anger. Yes, the BP/NP does use anger as a way to control others. But why are you so sensitive to his or her anger? Does your reaction to the BP/NP’s anger feel like knives going through you, being annihilated, or falling off a cliff? These are descriptions I have heard from Caretakers in my practice. Having an extremely fearful reaction to anger really gets in your way of having a healthy,

Caretakers are especially prone to keeping the difficult and upsetting interactions with their BP/NP partner a secret so that you and the relationship will look good to the rest of the world. Not only are you hiding the truth about your relationship from the rest of the world, but you may also be hiding this truth from yourself. Part of how you keep yourself in the Caretaker role is by keeping a fantasy image of your relationship—what you wish it were rather

Do you actively avoid letting others see the internal dysfunction in your relationship because you don’t want to face the reality of your problems? If you want things to change and you want more support in your life, you will need to stop keeping secrets from yourself and others, be more honest, and reach out to get that support.

You ask the children to follow rules, do chores, and act civil but don’t expect the same of the BP/NP for fear of causing an argument. The children get confused and angry when they see the BP/NP constantly breaking these family rules and expectations with no comment by you. Of course, you are in a terrible double bind. You cannot make the BP/NP act any differently,

This understanding brings a sense of calm because now you know there is no longer any need to be angry at yourself or the BP/NP. There is no longer any need to put energy, thought, and time into giving in, placating, demanding, or tricking the BP/NP to make things work better. And there is no longer any need to continually work on understanding why the BP/NP does what he or she does.

the BP/NP can never be normal. It will always be a relationship in which you are dealing with a mentally ill person. The questions then become these: Do you want to continue to take care of this person? How can you take care of someone without continuing to be the Caretaker you have been? Are there more effective ways to deal with the BP/NP than what you have been doing? What changes in yourself could you make to have a better life either with the BP/NP or without him or her. How can you watch the BP/NP behave as he or she does and no longer have it send you through the stratosphere? How can you create a healthy life for yourself despite the BP/NP’s illness? How can you deal sanely with the rage, anger, passive-aggressive behaviors, and manipulation of the BP/NP?

In the relationship with the BP/NP, there has been a crazy-making rule that there should be no boundaries between you and the BP/NP. Setting boundaries is an important way for you to acknowledge and validate that you are a unique person with your own needs, rights, and life perspective. Having boundaries as a separate person is essential to your being able to know when you are being loved, valued, and respected for who you are and to tell when that

You think the BP/NP is making you feel these bad things about yourself, but the BP/NP is actually tuning into the negative self-criticisms that you already have. Instead of just reacting, use these experiences to identify your emotional buttons and negative self-thoughts and work on healing them. When you identify negative self-beliefs and replace them with positive strengths and self-validations, you can begin turning off the emotional buttons that the BP/NP has used in the past to cause you hurt.

They often do not remember past emotions, thoughts, or behaviors, and they feel convinced that their present emotion will last forever. So ask yourself,

If you stay with the BP, you will need to develop your own social life with your own friends in the community and at work, without the BP. BPs aren’t comfortable in many social situations and typically prefer being at home or at very structured events where he or she knows everyone and is not expected to interact, such as going to a play or musical

BPs are often described as a “black hole” sucking up all the energy around them and rarely giving any of that energy back. Despite knowing these emotional events will take place over and over again, you may still find it very hard to leave the BP. You may find it hard to quit feeling guilt or confusion around the BP. The BP hates you when you’re there and loves you when you’re gone. Hoping that the BP will eventually be able to change leads only to greater and greater disappointment and frustration. I have often

When you entered the relationship originally, you had the expectation that both of you were equally mentally and emotionally mature enough to take care of each other. When you confronted the fact that your partner had borderline personality disorder and became the Caretaker, you were trying to salvage the relationship. Now the question is whether you want to continue lifelong care for a mentally ill person.