25 Ways to Win with People: How to Make Others Feel Like a Million Bucks

by John C. Maxwell

increase your value to others by solving as many of your problems as you can. In other words, you need to maximize who you are by overcoming or fixing those things that are within your power to change.

In his book Teaching the Elephant to Dance (Crown, 1990), James Belasco described how trainers shackle young elephants with heavy chains to deeply embedded stakes. In that way the elephant learns to stay in its place. Older, more powerful elephants that have been trained in this way never try to leave—even though they have the strength to pull up the stake and walk away. Their conditioning limits their movements. Eventually, with only a small, unattached metal bracelet on their legs, they stand in place—even though the stakes are actually gone! It’s a story you’ve probably heard before, but like the powerful elephants, many people are bound by the restraints of previous conditioning. Just as the unattached chain around the elephant’s leg keeps it from moving, some people impose needless limits on their personal progress. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t mindlessly accept restraints on your abilities. Challenge them and keep growing.

30-Second Rule: within the first thirty seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.

You see, someone once said to me, ‘Be kind . . . everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’ People everywhere need a good word, an uplifting compliment to fire their hopes and dreams. It takes very little effort to do, but it really lifts people up.”

When most people meet others, they search for ways to make themselves look good. The key to the 30-Second Rule is reversing this practice. When you make contact with people, instead of focusing on yourself, search for ways to make them look good.

“A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.

“Leaders can become great,” said John, “only when they realize that they are the ones who need people.”

Asking others for help is a great way to make them feel like a million bucks.

“Good leaders make people feel that they’re at the very heart of things, not at the periphery,” says author and leadership expert Warren Bennis. “Everyone feels that he or she makes a difference to the success of the organization. When that happens people feel centered and that gives their work meaning.”

Most people don’t lead their lives—they accept their lives. They wait for memorable experiences to happen, never giving a thought to planning an experience that will make a memory.

Complimenting people in front of other people is a John Maxwell trademark. He’s known for doing this far and wide.

“Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from his neck,” says Mary Kay Ash. “It says, ‘Make Me Feel Important!’” Mary Kay drilled this principle into her sales team. She told them again and again, “Never forget this message when working with people.” She knew compliments and affirmation were critical to enjoying success with others.

when you compliment a person’s attitude, you reinforce it and make it more consistent. Because you notice it in a positive way, he will be more likely to demonstrate that same attitude again.

he constantly asks himself, What is special, unique, and wonderful about this individual? Then he shares it with others.

“People perform consistently as they perceive you expect them to perform.”

Forget about: A person’s failures in the past and focus on his or her potential in the future.

Never allow yourself to become a dream killer. Instead, become a dream releaser. Even if you think another person’s dream is farfetched, that’s no excuse for criticizing them.

Ask about the challenges they must overcome to reach their dream. Few people ask others about their dreams; even fewer try to find out what kinds of hurdles the person is up against to pursue them.

Voluntarily give beyond what is required.

SHARING A SECRET MAKES PEOPLE FEEL SPECIAL. Letting people in on something always boosts their egos.

you get what you expect from others. So I have chosen to take the high road, expect the best, and be blessed most of the time.

The issue of perspective really has to do with maturity. Consider the story of two Cub Scouts whose younger brother had fallen into a lake. They rushed home to Mother with tears in their eyes. One of them sobbed, “We tried to give him CPR, but he kept getting up and walking away.”

The less mature one is, the more difficult it is to see things from another’s point of view.

Think about the biblical story of the woman caught in adultery where Jesus challenged the people without sin to cast the first stone. The oldest people in the crowd were the first to drop their stones and walk away. Why? Their maturity gave them better perspective.1

The problem was that Colorado had not won a game there in twenty-three years. But Coach McCartney believed in his team and looked for a way to inspire them to achieve. In the end, he decided to appeal to their love of others. He did it by challenging each player to call an individual he loved and tell that person he was dedicating the game to him or her. Coach Mac also encouraged the players to ask that person to watch every play, knowing that every hit, every tackle, every block, and every score was being dedicated to him or her. Coach Mac also took one more step. He arranged to distribute sixty footballs with the game’s final score written on them, so that each player could send a ball to the individual he had chosen. The Colorado Buffaloes won the game. The final score written on the footballs was 27 to 12.”

You may have the power to give someone an experience that seems inaccessible to them. If you can’t help a friend or colleague, then start with your family. Take your children places they could not go on their own. There’s no telling what kind of positive impact it will make.

Forget about: Focusing on what you can get from others and focus instead on what you can do for others.

If you want to meet others’ needs and make them feel like a million bucks, then you need to listen.

listening to others and making them feel understood also has a side benefit. According to Burns, “The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.”

offering help to others is a key to winning with people.

Being the first to help is a great way to win with people.

When you acquire knowledge, learn a new skill, or gain experience, you not only improve yourself, but you also increase your ability to help others.

There are so many good reasons to learn a person’s story. Here are just a few that keep motivating me to continue this practice with others: Requesting a person’s story says, “You could be special.” Remembering a person’s story says, “You are special.” Reminding a person of his or her story says, “You are special to me.” Repeating a person’s story to others says, “You should be special to them.” The result? You become special to the person who shared a story with you.

The problem many people have is that while the other person speaks, they are thinking more about what they want to say when it’s their turn instead of focusing on listening. When you give people your undivided attention, then you are in a better position to achieve the next step.

why these storytellers were so effective. “What traits did they have that made them so successful?” we asked. Here’s the list we came up with: Enthusiasm—They enjoyed what they were doing and expressed themselves with joy and vitality. Animation—The presentations were marked by lively facial expressions and gestures. Audience participation—Nearly every storyteller involved the audience in some way, asking listeners to sing, clap, repeat phrases, or do sign language. Spontaneity—The storytellers responded freely to their listeners. Memorization—Telling their stories without notes allowed for eye contact. Humor—Humor was interjected in both serious and sad stories. Creativity—Classic themes were told from a fresh perspective. Personal—Most stories were told in the first person. Heartwarming—Their stories made people feel good for having heard them.

One of the biggest mistakes novice storytellers make is being tentative. Nothing makes a story go flat more quickly than a timid delivery. If you’re going to tell a story, be bold. Be energetic. Be engaging. Go for it, or don’t go at all.

I learned early from Carnegie was this: remember and use a person’s name.

From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.”

it’s a mistake to focus on the weaknesses of others. The self-proclaimed “experts” who spend their time telling others what’s wrong with them never win with people. Most people simply avoid them.

If people have been grinding away at tasks in their weak areas, and they are reassigned to work in areas of strength, watch their motivation, enthusiasm, and productivity skyrocket.

when a word of encouragement is writ-ten down for another person, it is often perceived to be more genuine than when it is spoken.1 1That leaves little doubt about the value of writing notes