25 Ways to Win with People: How to Make Others Feel Like a Million Bucks

by John C. Maxwell

Your relationships can only be as healthy as you are. —NEIL CLARK WARREN

“You get the best out of others when you give the best of yourself.” So true. But if the best you have isn’t any better than what those “others” already possess, you’ll never take them any higher than they already are.

Many times in our lives we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make or the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless, insignificant in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, we never lose our value as human beings. Nothing can take that away. Never forget that.

maximize who you are by overcoming or fixing those things that are within your power to change.

Don’t mindlessly accept restraints on your abilities. Challenge them and keep growing.

He who waits to do a great deal of good at once, will never do anything. —SAMUEL JOHNSON

30-Second Rule: within the first thirty seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.

All people feel better and do better when you give them attention, affirmation, and appreciation. The next time you make contact with people, begin by giving them your undivided attention during the first thirty seconds. Affirm them and show your appreciation for them in some way. Then watch what happens. You will be surprised by how positively they respond. And if you have trouble remembering to keep your focus on them instead of on yourself, then perhaps the words of William King will help you. He said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

“A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.” —WILLIAM KING

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer. —HENRY DAVID THOREAU

The most fundamental and straightforward way of winning with people is to give them a compliment—a sincere and meaningful word of affirmation. If you want to make others feel like a million bucks, you’ve got to master this elementary skill. And it’s essential that you learn to give your compliments in front of others as well as one-on-one. Why? Because that private compliment turned public, instantly and dramatically increases in value.

To affirm is to make firm. An affirmation is a statement of truth you make firm in a person’s heart when you utter it. As a result, it cultivates conviction. For example, when you compliment a person’s attitude, you reinforce it and make it more consistent. Because you notice it in a positive way, he will be more likely to demonstrate that same attitude again. Likewise, when you affirm people’s dreams, you help their dreams become more real than their doubts. Like the repetition of a weight-lifting regimen, routine compliments build up people’s qualities and strengthen their personalities.

Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse.But treat a man as if he already were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be. —GOETHE

One of the best ways to inspire others and make them feel good about themselves is to show them who they could be.

The opinions you have of people in your life affect them profoundly. Dr. J. Sterling Livingston, formerly of the Harvard Business School and founder of the Sterling Institute management consulting firm, observed, “People perform consistently as they perceive you expect them to perform.”

Old negative names, labels, or nicknames can block a person’s growth and progress. Perhaps that’s why the rites of passage in many cultures include giving a new title or name to the person being honored. A new name gives someone a hope for a new future.

the “ten-year rule.” It’s derived from research showing that elite performers, those whose reputations precede them, usually needed at least ten years of dedicated and consistent practice before they obtained any recognizable level of excellence. The research also shows that the process can be cut dramatically when individuals see signs that they are already beginning to achieve a recognizable reputation.4

No man has a prosperity so high or firm, but that two or three words can dishearten it; and there is no calamity which right words will not begin to redress. —RALPH WALDO EMERSON

when you say the right words at the right time, there are a number of positive outcomes. One of the most important outcomes is trust. When you can offer something to a person at the point of his or her need—even when that person is a stranger—you are very likely to become trusted and seen as honorable. You will be seen as someone who is dependable and considerate.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. —MARK TWAIN

Never allow yourself to become a dream killer. Instead, become a dream releaser. Even if you think another person’s dream is farfetched, that’s no excuse for criticizing them.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.” —NORMAN COUSINS

Benjamin Franklin observed, “Most men die from the neck up at age twenty-five because they stop dreaming.”

ENCOURAGING OTHERS IN THEIR PURSUIT OF A DREAM IS TO GIVE THEM A WONDERFUL GIFT

1. Ask them to share their dream with you.

2. Affirm the person as well as the dream.

3. Ask about the challenges they must overcome to reach their dream.

4. Offer your assistance.

5. Revisit their dream with them on a consistent basis.

6. Determine daily to be a dream booster, not a dream buster.

If each of us were to confess his most secret desire, the one that inspires all his plans, all his actions, he would say: “I want to be praised.” —E. M. CIORAN

The number one reason people don’t pass along credit to others is that they think it will somehow hurt them or lessen their value. Many people are so insecure that they constantly feed their egos to compensate for it. But you simply cannot practice this method of winning with people if you can’t set your ego aside.

Most moments in life become special only if we treat them that way. The average day is average only because we don’t make it something more. The most excellent way to elevate an experience is to give it our best. That makes it special. An average conversation becomes something better when you listen with great interest. A common relationship transforms when you give it uncommon effort. An unremarkable event becomes something special when you spice it up with creativity. You can make anything more important by giving your best to it.

UCLA coach John Wooden was speaking to this idea when he said, “Make every day your masterpiece.” If we give our very best all the time, we can make our lives into something special. And that will overflow into the lives of others.

“Since we tend to see ourselves primarily in light of our intentions, which are invisible to others,” said philosopher J. G. Bennett, “while we see others mainly in the light of their actions, which are all that’s visible to us, we have a situation in which misunderstanding and injustice are the order of the day.” And that’s precisely why the ability to see things from another’s perspective is essential to finding the gold of their good intentions.

I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. —ALBERT SCHWEITZER

Chinese proverb: If you want happiness for an hour—take a nap. If you want happiness for a day—go fishing. If you want happiness for a month—get married. If you want happiness for a year—inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime—help others.

You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you. —JOHN BUNYAN

“Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.” —DEMOSTHENES

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said. —PETER DRUCKER

“Effective listening requires more than hearing the words transmitted. It demands that you find meaning and understanding in what is being said. After all, meanings are not in words, but in people.” Many people put their focus on the ideas being communicated, and they almost seem to forget about the person. You can’t do that and listen with the heart.

“The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings. What most people really want is to be listened to, respected, and understood.” If you want to meet others’ needs and make them feel like a million bucks, then you need to listen.

One of the ironies of becoming a good listener is that listening to others and making them feel understood also has a side benefit. According to Burns, “The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.” Listening with the heart produces a win-win situation in relationships.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. —DALE CARNEGIE

the SAVE Method. Here’s how it works: S—Say the name three times in conversation. A—Ask a question about the name (for example, how it is spelled) or about the person. V—Visualize the person’s prominent physical or personality feature. E—End the conversation with the name.

“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” —RALPH WALDO EMERSON