Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

by Kristin Neff

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same warmth, care, and concern that we’d naturally show to a good friend.

If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.

the concept of self-compassion

Compassion is not only relevant to those who are blameless victims, but also to those whose

suffering stems from failures, personal weakness, or bad decisions. You know, the kind you and I make every day.

self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.

Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart, Tara Bennett-Goleman uses the metaphor of alchemy to symbolize the spiritual and emotional transformation that’s possible when we embrace our pain with caring concern.

Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend—focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend

you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion? How would this friend convey the deep compassion he/she feels for you, especially for the discomfort you feel when you judge yourself so harshly? What would this friend write in order to remind you that you are only human, that all people have both strengths and weaknesses? And if you think this friend would suggest possible

Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself.

When we are always seeing the worst in others, our perception becomes obscured by a dark cloud of negativity.

Our thoughts become malevolent, and this is the mental world we then inhabit. Downward social comparisons actually harm rather than help us. By putting others down to puff ourselves up, we are cutting off our nose to spite our face, creating and maintaining the state of disconnection and isolation we actually want to avoid.

individuals who grow up with highly critical parents in childhood are much more likely to be critical toward themselves as adults.

the truth is that constant criticism by any significant figure in a child’s life—a grandparent,

a sibling, a teacher, a coach—can lead that child to experience inner demons later on in life.

how to help people suffering from low self-esteem.

Confucian ideal is that you should criticize yourself in order to keep yourself in line—focusing on meeting the needs of others instead of yourself.

harsh self-criticism is often used as a cover for something else: the desire for control.

There is a difference, however, between healthy self-deprecating humor and unhealthy self-disparagement. The first indicates that someone is self-confident enough to poke fun at him- or herself. The second reveals deep-seated insecurities about personal worth and

value.

highly self-critical people tend to be dissatisfied in their romantic relationships because

they assume their partners are judging them as harshly as they judge themselves.

“self-verification theory.”

self-views to be validated because it helps to provide a sense of stability in their lives.

The best way to counteract self-criticism, therefore, is to understand it, have compassion for it, and then replace it with a kinder response.

Happiness is found when we go with the flow of life, not when we rail against it, and self-compassion can help us navigate these turbulent rapids with a wise, accepting heart.

SELF-COMPASSION ENTAILS THREE CORE components.

First,

self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly...

Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires...

awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or e...

Self-kindness, by definition, means that we stop the constant self-judgment and disparaging internal commentary

self-kindness involves more than merely stopping self-judgment.

involves actively comforting ourselves, responding just as we would to a dear friend in need.

If children are consoled and supported by parents when they’re upset or frightened, they learn to trust them.

When we consistently give ourselves nurturance and understanding, we also come to feel worthy of care and acceptance. When we give ourselves empathy and support, we learn to trust that help is always at hand. When we wrap ourselves in the warm embrace of self-kindness, we feel safe and secure.

Instead of seeing ourselves as a problem to be fixed, therefore, self-kindness allows us to see ourselves as valuable human beings who are worthy of care.

If you notice that you’re feeling tense, upset, sad, or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. What’s important is that you make a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care, and tenderness.

When we treat ourselves as a kind friend would, we are no longer totally absorbed by playing the role of the one who is suffering.

Choosing to relate to ourselves with kindness rather than contempt is highly pragmatic.

using sympathetic rather than judgmental language when we talk to ourselves.

Rosenberg’s

asking four simple questions: • What am I observing?

What am I feeling? • What am I needing right now? • Do I have a request o...

Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation.

then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.

We have the power to live with joy and contentment by responding to our suffering with kindness.

Tara Brach (author of Radical Acceptance) writes: “Feeling unworthy goes hand in hand with feeling separate from others, separate from life. If we are defective, how can we possibly belong? It seems like a vicious cycle: the more deficient we feel, the more separate and vulnerable we feel.”

to take a completely logical approach to the issue, we’d consider the fact that thousands of things can go wrong in life at any one time, so it’s highly likely—in fact inevitable—that we’ll experience hardships on a regular basis.

The very act of competing with others for success sets up an unwinnable situation in which