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Kindle Notes & Highlights
Feeling obliged to ask a taxi driver if they’ve ‘been busy?’, but then staying silent for the rest of the journey.
Getting a bit too excited when you see your home town on the news.
Flashing your indicators to thank a fellow motorist, just in case they missed your mini wave, thumbs-up, arm raise and hazard lights.
Arriving at a mini-roundabout at the same time as another driver and knowing you’ll be there for some time.
The dread of flashing a car at night to tell its driver to go first and receiving a flash at exactly the same time, resulting in a flash-off.
Sending someone an angry email, seeing them before they’ve read it … Pretending everything’s fine.
Wishing you were able to resist quipping, ‘Morning!’ when someone has left the office but has had to immediately return to collect a forgotten item.
Being asked which floor you need in a lift, saying ‘three, please,’ while pressing the button yourself.
Feeling compelled to actually say the word ‘delete’ when
deleting something.
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand.
The Telegraph begins publishing MPs’ expenses. While most Brits feel it’s too bothersome to claim for small items at work, politicians are found to have claimed for an ice-cube tray (£1.50), a packet of ginger biscuits (67p) and a small bag of horse manure (70p), as well as many rather more extravagant items, such as moat cleaning (£2,115) and maintenance on a lawnmower (£598).
The pound note is withdrawn from circulation, resulting in widespread panic as Brits now have even more coins to count at the till within the three-second limit before ‘critical-level flustering’ occurs.
The unwelcome surprise of someone telling you how they are after you’ve asked them how they are.
Pausing your conversation for the duration of a journey in a crowded lift.
No longer smiling when the camera hasn’t worked for a third time, yet still forcing out the word ‘cheese’.
Not quite catching someone’s name, meaning you can never speak to them again.
Having to say the word ‘bye’ at least three times when hanging up the telephone, getting quieter with each one.
Informing someone their flies are undone by using subtle eye movements, codewords and a variety of coughs.
Tripping up over nothing and turning to stare furiously at the floor.
Wishing someone goodbye and
then leaving in the same direction.
Walking a mile in the wrong direction because there hasn’t been an appropriate time to interrupt your friend to say goodbye.
Turning to find the person you’ve been talking to for the last couple of minutes stopped to look in a shop about 20 metres ago.
Feeling utterly devastated when you say to the barman, ‘I think this guy was next,’ and you’re not thanked.
Being alarmingly over-enthusiastic when able to tell the stranger that, ‘Yes, this seat is free, and you may take it.’
The fear of placing 50 pence on the edge of the pool table and the stranger playing saying, ‘You can play the winner.’
Attempting to telepathically communicate your embarrassment to the waiter when he asks your table if you’re ready to order and everyone keeps chatting.
Taking an extraordinary length of time putting your coat while you wait for a good moment to shout ‘thanks’ towards the till area.
Not being able to fit food in half your kitchen cupboards because they’re being used to store 83 bags for life.
Being incapable of placing your items on the counter in a newsagent’s without saying, ‘Just these, please.’
Failing to understand someone, begging their pardon three times and then just nodding and smiling.
Having condiments in your fridge that you can’t bring yourself to discard, despite them first being opened when Thatcher was in power.
Misjudging the biting point on the squeezy HP and unleashing a sauce tsunami towards your bacon sandwich.
Being able to summon rain simply by washing your car and hanging out your laundry.
‘Did you see the frost this morning?’ Translation: ‘I was up a lot earlier than you today and I’d like you to know about it.’
Attempting to deal with a queue-jumper by staring fiercely at the back of their head.
Thanking people under your breath as punishment for them not thanking you.
Accidentally saying ‘you’re welcome’ too loudly when someone hasn’t thanked you, and smiling politely when they look straight at you.
Never failing to feel flabbergasted by the total lack of queuing protocol at bus stops.
… for asking a taxi driver if he minds stopping at a cash point, as if there’s a chance he’d prefer it if you didn’t pay.
Telling someone you’re speaking to them ‘with all due respect’ to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely.
Using ‘honestly, it’s fine’ to warn of your imminent meltdown.
Saying, ‘Correct me if I’m wrong,’ to indicate that you know you’re right and do not wish to be contradicted.
Saying, ‘It’s a bit chilly,’ to indicate you’ve lost the feeling in your feet and your toes have turned black.
Saying, ‘Thanks very much, cheers, ta,’ as a way of thanking someone once.
Being forced to use emoticons in text messages to alert people that you’re definitely not being sarcastic.
Saying, ‘I shouldn’t really, but go on then, if you’re having one?’ instead of the more economical ‘yes’.
Saying, ‘Yeah, go on then, why not?’ to indicate you fully intend to have another drink, if not four.
Saying, ‘I’ll take your word for it.’ Meaning: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’
