ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

by Russ Harris

judgment!” or “There’s judging!” Then cross it out and write something nonjudgmental instead. Write about the painful emotions you have experienced as a result of these issues. What painful thoughts and feelings have you struggled with? If the main feelings you notice are anger, fury, resentment, rage, or frustration, then see if you can “go deeper.” These are typically surface emotions. Beneath the angry exterior, you will usually find something like hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, rejection, loneliness, inadequacy, hopelessness—or a sense of feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, or neglected. Acknowledge, openly and honestly, that this relationship has been painful. You have suffered. It has not been easy. You came into this relationship with all sorts of expectations, many of which have not been met. You had all sorts of dreams for the future, many of which have failed to materialize. You had all sorts of illusions about who your partner is, and many of them have been shattered. Given what you have been through, it’s completely natural to feel the way you do. Now this is the most challenging part: take a few minutes to reflect on how your partner has also suffered. He may never have spoken about this to you. Many men are not very good at talking about their feelings. (This is not due to a biological difference but simply because they grow up in a culture where they are not taught how to do so.) So you may have to use your imagination here. Think about what it mus...