ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

by Russ Harris

You cannot control your partner’s actions; you can only control your own.

LOVE is not just an acronym: it is a useful way of thinking about “love” itself. If you think of love as an ongoing process of letting go, opening up, valuing, and engaging, then it is always available to you—even when the feelings of love are absent. So in this sense of the word, you really can have everlasting love. But if you think of love merely as an emotion or feeling, then it can never last for long because all feelings and emotions continually change.

Ever seen a movie where the hero gets punched right in the face? A gruesome slow-mo close-up, where a spray of sweat and blood flies through the air? Notice how you wince, or flinch, or turn away even though you know it’s only a movie? Even though you know it’s make-believe, you can’t help relating to it on some level. How ironic is it that we can so easily relate to the nonexistent pain of a fictitious movie character, but we often completely forget about the very real pain of the people we love? Humans are social animals. When it comes to affairs of the heart, most of us are pretty similar. We want to be loved, respected, and cared for. We want to get along with others and generally have a good time with them. When we fight with, reject, or distance ourselves from the people we love, we don’t feel good. And when they fight with, reject, or distance themselves from us, we feel even worse. So when you fight with your partner, you both get hurt. Your partner may not reveal his pain to you; he may just get angry, or storm out of the house, or quietly switch on the TV and start drinking, but deep inside he hurts just like you. Your partner may refuse to talk to you, she may criticize you in scathing tones, or go out on the town with her friends, but deep inside, she hurts just as you are. It is so important to recognize and remember this. We tend to get so caught up in

our own suffering that we can easily forget our partner is in the same boat. Suppose your partner has deep-seated fears of abandonment: afraid that you will leave her for someone “better.” Or suppose she fears becoming trapped, controlled, or “smothered.” Then when you fight, these fears will well up inside her; she may not even be aware of them because they very quickly get buried under blame or resentment. Or suppose deep inside your partner feels deeply unworthy: that he is inadequate, unlovable, not good enough. This is painful in itself, but when people feel this way inside, they often act in ways that strain the relationship. Your partner may continually seek approval, demand recognition for what he achieves or contributes, ask for reassurance that you love or admire him, or become quite jealous and possessive. If you then react with frustration, scorn, criticism, impatience, or boredom, you will reinforce his deep-seated sense of unworthiness. And this then gives rise to even more pain.

Take a few minutes to write about the major issues in your relationship. Aim to do this with nonjudgmental description rather than with harsh judgment and criticism. For example, write, “Greg does not often help out with the housework” instead of “Greg is a lazy bastard.” This is difficult to do at first, so go easy on yourself. And whenever you notice a harsh judgment slipped past you, just make a mental note of it. Silently say to yourself something like, “Aha! There goes a

judgment!” or “There’s judging!” Then cross it out and write something nonjudgmental instead. Write about the painful emotions you have experienced as a result of these issues. What painful thoughts and feelings have you struggled with? If the main feelings you notice are anger, fury, resentment, rage, or frustration, then see if you can “go deeper.” These are typically surface emotions. Beneath the angry exterior, you will usually find something like hurt, sadness, guilt, shame, fear, rejection, loneliness, inadequacy, hopelessness—or a sense of feeling unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, or neglected. Acknowledge, openly and honestly, that this relationship has been painful. You have suffered. It has not been easy. You came into this relationship with all sorts of expectations, many of which have not been met. You had all sorts of dreams for the future, many of which have failed to materialize. You had all sorts of illusions about who your partner is, and many of them have been shattered. Given what you have been through, it’s completely natural to feel the way you do. Now this is the most challenging part: take a few minutes to reflect on how your partner has also suffered. He may never have spoken about this to you. Many men are not very good at talking about their feelings. (This is not due to a biological difference but simply because they grow up in a culture where they are not taught how to do so.) So you may have to use your imagination here. Think about what it mus...