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I needed him by my side, but I would never take him away from rehab for my benefit, not when it would be detrimental to his recovery. And I want Lo to be healthy more than anything. And I want him to be happy.
He hasn’t lost that look in his eye—the one that seems to kiss my soul and trap me altogether.
At times, I thought giving up was better than fighting. But I made it. I’m here. Lo’s here. That’s all that matters.
“I’m here,” he says, a silent tear dripping down his cheek. “We’re going to beat this together.”
“Please,” I beg. “I haven’t touched you in so long.” I want to run my hands over him. I want him to thrust into me until I cry. I imagine it over and over, torturing myself with these carnal thoughts. But I also want to be strong and not throw myself at him like he’s only a body I missed. He means so much more to me. Maybe he’s hurt by my persistence to kiss him? Maybe he sees it as a bad sign? “I’m sorry,” I apologize again. “It’s not that I want you for sex…I mean, I do want sex, but I want you because I miss you…and I love you, and I need…” I shake my head. My words sound stupid and
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He’s a man that I want to take advantage of every minute of the day. If I’m not doing it, then I fantasize about it. How can I stop?
and no one in this fucking universe will be able to say your name without saying mine.”
“Eyes on me,” he says huskily. They are permanently fixed to the bulge in his boxer-briefs. “They are,” I mumble. Technically this is a part of him. “My eyes, love, not my cock,” he says, a smile behind the words.
I squint at him. “You’re getting too smart.” He grins. “When it comes to you, I am.”
“Just so you know,” he whispers, “I’d love nothing more than to fill you again. I’d do it a million times a day if I could.”
“That’s your response?” I say, wide-eyed. “You’re egging the person on.” “If you don’t like it, then you shouldn’t be reading my personal texts or spidering me like a koala bear.” True.
I don’t like to think about any other guy pleasing Lily. Not before we became a real couple. And definitely not after.
“If you scare my girlfriend again, you’ll wish all you had to worry about was working for your fucking dad.” My eyes flicker to Julie once. “And you should start eating your sister’s makeup. Your insides are fucking ugly.”
Ryke nods. “Glad to know you’re still an asshole, even without the booze.” “Must be genetic.”
I smile and really want to say: Because you’re two nerd stars, orbiting and meant to kiss. But that won’t make sense to anyone but me.
“I’ll pay you back,” I tell Connor. “I prefer favors.” Okay, that sounds sexual. When I think of favors, I picture blow jobs. My face immediately heats, and I try looking away but everyone is already staring at me. I’m doomed. “Lily!” I hear three voices in varying pitches chastise me. Lo puts an arm over my shoulder and I restrain myself from hiding in his bicep. I will not cower. I point to Connor accusingly. “He said it, not me!”
Because that means he’ll let me fuck him exactly how I want, when I want. I’ll be so high and so full of Loren Hale that I won’t ever want to leave the bedroom and meet real life. It sounds so much better than it should.
They may think Lo will enable me. But I fear I’ll screw everything up all on my own.
No porn. No masturbation. Less compulsivity during sex. And never, ever cheat on Loren Hale.
“But if I’m on the couch, I won’t be tempted. And…and when I’m in bed with you, I know I’ll try to have sex with you, even when I know I shouldn’t.” “Lily—” “And I don’t want to be weak and begging, but it’s inevitable, right? You’re like my crack.” “Lil—” “That’s me: the pathetic, horny girl who jumps her boyfriend and keeps on doing it when he says no.” I gasp. “Oh my God. I’m like a rapist. I’ll try to rape you every night.”
“I’m sick too,” he says, “and there will be times where we’re weak. Where we beg for the things we can’t have. But you can’t be scared of that, Lil. You can’t live your life sleeping on a couch because of it. You just have to believe that you’ll be strong enough in the end. Even if the middle is all fucked up.”
He holds onto me and kisses the top of my head. “And you’re not a rapist.” I can sense him smiling. “You’re my girlfriend who can’t control her compulsions.”
“Stop smiling,” I tell him. “No cuddling?” “Not tonight.” “That’s my line.”
“Did you learn a trick to fall asleep?” I whisper. “Don’t think about anything.” “That’s impossible.” “Then try picturing a fuzzy television.” “Do you not remember The Ring? If I try that then a girl is going to crawl out of the imaginary TV and slaughter my subconscious.” I expect him to laugh but his voice turns serious. “How did you fall asleep when I wasn’t here?”
I’m her drug, her means to a high. But I see the life she’ll lead if I’m gone—really gone and never coming back. She’ll return to strangers, to sex with random men. She may even venture into the dangerous side of her addiction—chat rooms and anonymous sex. I can’t let her go down that road.
She sucks in a breath. “This is too hard,” she says. “I feel like I can’t escape my addiction. If I’m with you, I want to have sex with you. If I’m alone, I want to fuck me. Nowhere is safe.”
“Are you not hearing me?” she says, shoving my bicep. “I can’t sleep next to you.” I keep her in my arms easily, my muscles flexing as I wrap them around her. “Lil, shh,” I say, my lips finding her ear. “I can’t!” she shouts, tears beginning to pool. “Lil, you can,” I whisper deeply. “Shh.”
I don’t ever want her to believe that being alone, being apart, is the solution. It’s not. She needs me as much as I need her. We just have to find our footing in this relationship. And that takes time.
I find her right hand curled up underneath her breast, and I take it in mine. Then I intertwine my fingers with hers, securing them with determined force. No more masturbating, Lil. I’m about to officially instate our new sleeping position, but her ass presses harder into my cock. She’s scooting back, either on purpose or subconsciously, I have no clue. It’s still kind of cute, but it doesn’t help. I lean back and grab a small pillow, and then I wedge it between my dick and her ass. “Better?” “Depends who you’re asking—Horny Lily or Good Lily?”
Right now, he could sprint laps around me. But he chooses to be here. I should be glad that he wants to work out with me, but I hate that he won’t run as far as he can. I hate that I’m holding him back.
“Oh yeah, I see the resemblance,” she says, her blue eyes flickering between us. “Yeah, we both have brown hair,” I say. “Shocking, isn’t it? She could even be our sister for all I know.”
Ryke does that to women, I’ve noticed. He either stupefies them with his dominance or they start spitting out lame lines that make no sense. I’ve yet to really see a girl that can keep up with him.
“You fucking passed out while a guy attacked Lily.” And “attack” was an understatement. Something could have happened that night. But it didn’t. Ryke and Connor stopped the guy when that should have been me. My whole life, I had one fucking job. Protect Lily. Make sure her addiction doesn’t get the better of her. Make sure she doesn’t get hurt. She did the same for me. And I failed her. Somewhere down the line, I fucked up. Never again.
“He’s going to try to buy you back,” Ryke tells me. “That’s what he fucking does, and you’re going to have to say no. He’s your fucking trigger, Lo. You shouldn’t be around him while you’re recovering.”
Trigger or not, Jonathan Hale is my father. Ryke doesn’t understand him the way I do. He’s not all bad.
“What’d he do?” I ask. “Misspell your favorite word? Beat you in a game of Scrabble?”
Rose clutches the vase to her chest. “It’s my favorite brand.” Only Rose would have a favorite kind of crystal at twenty-two. But more than that, Connor knew exactly what she liked. That detail has to count for something. I’m not even that perceptive.
Marriage isn’t really a plan of mine, at least not until I’m older and move past this awkward, confusing stage of life. But the way Lo said those words—well, they make marriage seem nonexistent. Like instead of a maybe, he’s saying never.
“Lil,” Lo breathes, his eyes softening considerably. I am one of those sea vessels wobbling in the ocean before they’re hit by a wave. “You…and me…” Here it is. “We probably shouldn’t have children.”
never allowed myself to dream that far ahead, to construct a reality where Lo and I start a family together. Maybe because deep in my heart, I knew it doesn’t exist. His words paint the blackness of my future into a clearer picture. And it’s an image I want to return to the store. A life where we don’t have kids. Where our family consists of me and him. And that’s it.
She won’t cheat on me. She’ll just cheat on herself.
I swoop in behind her, my hands planted on her waist, and my lips brush her ear. “Want a ride?” She brightens almost immediately. I don’t wait for her to say yes. I crouch a little in front of her, and I lift her up on my back. She holds tight around my neck, and I keep my arms underneath her legs, willing to carry her as far as she needs to go—just like when we were kids. Some things never change.
She relaxes only a little, and the guy—well, he acts oblivious to my claim over her. Do I really need to wave a giant flag that says BOYFRIEND in his fucking face?
That’s all I had to do. Choose her before alcohol. And I picked wrong for so many years.
Everyone agreed she was the best cocksucker on campus.” And I can’t help it. I deck him. Right in the face. It didn’t feel good. My knuckles are on fire, and Mason touches his split lip, shocked.
“You were the one who slashed our tires because we fucked your girlfriend.” We. I cringe, never ever wanting to hear that again. We. Not I. Not me. Multiple guys.
I shake off Lily, and I go crazy. I grab him by the face, pinching his cheeks together with one furious hand, and I shove his back over the hood of Lil’s car. He struggles to stand up from my hold, but I pin him down, my kneecap pressing into his dick. “You touch her, you even think about her, and I’ll have you in the ground before you can say thank you, Loren Hale. You go to the media, the press, and I will ruin you, starting with your soccer career. You don’t even know who I am, you motherfucker.”
I need a drink. I need a goddamn drink right now. I run my hand through my hair, and then I glance back at her, checking her state of mind…and body. Her eyes glass, but her knees are locked together, and her leg bounces. Fuck. I forgot. We’re on our way home to have sex.
“You’re not aroused?” I ask again. Her head tilts back, her eyes closed, her hand gripping my wrist so I don’t move. “No,” she breathes. “You’re a little liar.”
“Lo?” Ryke’s voice turns serious. “Hey, talk to me.” I let out a breath. “Tell me why I shouldn’t.” I pinch my eyes. I want this to end. This torment. These feelings. I want to help Lily without needing something to drown my own thoughts. “Because one drink isn’t worth what you’ll feel in the morning.” “That’s not good enough.” “You’ll puke,” he reminds me. That’s right, I’m on Antabuse. One sip of alcohol and I’ll be sick. I pause, wondering if I still could test it out. Maybe I could. I grimace. Maybe I couldn’t. “Because you love Lily more than that.” And it hits me. I’m here. In the
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