The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Professional, reassuring advice for coping with the disorder - at work, at home, and in your family (Everything® Series)

by Cynthia Lechan Goodman

Female narcissists will tend to play the role of the victim, using the “why me?” attitude to get narcissistic supply more often than male narcissists. Female narcissists tend to be more self-destructive and more likely to self-mutilate or attempt suicide than do male narcissists.

Another major difference seems to be in the likelihood of getting help. Women, in general, are more likely to ask for help or admit they have a problem than are males. The same seems to be true of female narcissists, who are more likely to seek treatment for NPD than are male narcissists.

Male narcissists tend to concentrate their efforts on being aggressive and assertive to gain their superiority over others. This kind of dominating, self-centered behavior is usually more socially acceptable for males, especially in western society.

There are many psychology therapists and experts who believe and have found that even though recovery from narcissism is a difficult process, as with other personality disorders, it is mainly something that is learned; it is not inherent. And that the behaviors and coping defenses of narcissism that have been learned can thus be unlearned. This gives hope to anyone who wants to continue in a relationship with a narcissist, or who wants to change narcissistic tendencies he may see in himself.

Bioenergetic analysis therapy uses the body to heal the problems of the mind. Lowen described in detail his work with clients with narcissism, of using his methods that resulted in breakthroughs,

and the recovery of more fulfilling lives for people with narcissism.

The next step in this breakthrough was for the client to fully express his anger in the therapist’s office—an important step to rid the client of his fear that his inner rage is craziness or madness. When clients can see their anger and be free of it, having found a safe place to give up control, they can accept their feelings and end up with newfound self-possession and self-acceptance.

There are a number of self-proclaimed narcissists or sufferers of NPD who are prolific writers and lecturers on the subject of their illness. They can offer some valuable insights, even though both the insights and the persons themselves may be controversial.

The common factor among these self-proclaimed and often diagnosed narcissists, who seem to be, if not cured, at least able to function well, is a recognition and acceptance of their condition. They tend to see the condition as a plus, an asset, a possibility that can be transformed into a great opportunity to teach, warn, and be helpful to other people.

Today it is understood that narcissists can and do learn to relate to others, just not the way you may like them to. However, they can learn to react in more positive ways with the right kind of therapy designed specifically for them.

If it’s true that most, if not all, of your narcissistic partner’s, friend’s, or relative’s behavior is tied into their false view of themselves, it is also true that for a lot of that behavior, they cannot “help themselves.”

Narcissists lie to everyone, about everything, but the very first person they lie to is themselves. For all of their seeming self-centeredness, the sad truth is that narcissists can never really see themselves, at least not in the way that others truly see them.

Consider this: Everyone is always trying to find “himself,” to know who he “really is.” But your narcissistic partner was robbed of this opportunity at an early age. Something or someone has wounded him very deeply, which has had the result of separating him from his true self, without help. In order to protect himself from pain, rejection, and abandonment early in life, the narcissist has had to learn how to pretend to be something he is not. And for many who develop full-blown NPD, the charade has gone on so long that they no longer know it’s an act.

If there is love in your relationship with a narcissist, you have a lot of power because you already are the most influential, important, and powerful person in his life. When you recognize that, it can help you avoid your own threatened feelings and negative reactions, such as yelling or shaming that just lead to the narcissist defending himself more and more.

Not everything about a narcissist is 100 percent false all of the time. There can be moments, especially in a person with just narcissistic tendencies and not full-blown NPD, that he is truly feeling what he says. However, it still may be that he is not experiencing those feelings of love, compassion, or other positive emotions to the degree that his partner is.

This means that they can add some positive, even loving behaviors to go along with their narcissistic ones. This is a very effective avenue of therapy for the narcissists, because it does not try to dispel their hyperinflated sense of self, but tries to get them to add compassion, warmth, and empathy into that personality. And there is growing evidence that it can be done.

Narcissists are usually not aware that they are acting this way, nor is it their usual intention to cause harm to people; it is just the way they operate. Realizing this has probably already given you some relief from your own feelings of responsibility and causation.

Being able to say “I’m sorry” and offer forgiveness usually helps to break through bitterness, distance, and the self-serving traps of blaming tit for tat. It’s a brave thing to be able to say, “I am sorry. Can you please forgive me?” Make sure you’re not giving a “nonapology” like, “I’m sorry you think that,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This puts the blame back on your partner for his thoughts or feelings. More appropriate are “I’m sorry if I did something to make you think that,” or “I’m sorry if my comments hurt your feelings.” Realize your role in the situation and acknowledge it.