The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Professional, reassuring advice for coping with the disorder - at work, at home, and in your family (Everything® Series)

by Cynthia Lechan Goodman

Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs): OLAs are obsessed with their partners and are unable to let them go, even if they are abusive. OLAs are commonly the partners of narcissists who stay with them despite their destructive behaviors. Codependent Love Addicts (CLAs): CLAs are the most common. A CLA is what is usually referred to as “codependent” in any kind of relationship with any kind of addict or person with any personality disorder. The CLA fits the classic profile of the “enabler.” Relationship Addicts (RAs): RAs may have once loved their partners but no longer do. They are addicted to the need to be “in” a relationship, and therefore will not leave or end it. They are very unhappy in their relationships, but fear being alone or out of a relationship even more.

Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALAs): ALAs obsessively need to be loved, but are terrified of any real emotional intimacy. Because they fear true intimacy, ALAs may be involved in multiple romantic relationships with multiple partners.

Some theorists believe that people with narcissism or NPD need to be able to feel compassion for themselves in order to feel compassion for others. The ability for people to feel compassion for themselves is believed to involve two areas: accepting one’s strengths, weaknesses, accomplishments, and failures, and being able to look at one’s own frailties or suffering.

Some clinical theorists believe that narcissists have an unfulfilled need for understanding and empathy. And this may be one reason they have a problem with being able to experience compassion toward others.

Eidetic Image psychology, which is a tool for developing empathy using images in the brain. This method uses a system to store images in the mind, and these images affect emotions and can

help to overcome obstructions and open up parts of the consciousness that may be locked away; then, solutions, powers, and abilities are made clearer.

Create an image in your mind of the person you want to better understand. Visualize where that person is and what she is doing. Take special notice of her attitude, body language, and emotions. Open yourself up to this information as you strengthen the image. As you see the image take shape, you will gain a better understanding of the person.

If you are not feeling empathy or gaining understanding, try the next step. Try to see through her eyes. What is it that she is seeing? Now, how does what she is seeing make her feel? Feel this understanding of her view deep inside of you. You should now feel more empathy toward her.

You may find the need to reduce your expectations so there is more of a balanced give and take in the relationship. Most likely you will find your role to be limited mainly to support, acknowledgement, and recognition. You may find there is not an equal balance of listening to needs and interests between the two of you, that your role may be limited mainly to being the careful listener. You may find there is not a balance of providing for positive recognition, that your role may be limited to frequently providing the positive recognition. You may find there is not a balance of decision making and planning, that your role may be limited to avoidance of challenging his desires, decisions, or plans.

You can negotiate while still enforcing boundaries. Even with the most minor detail, remember that giving in is telling the narcissist that if he keeps pushing the envelope, eventually you’ll give in. Don’t mistake reasonable compromise for rewarding negative behavior.

This concept emphasizes authenticity as opposed to perfectionism. It stresses living authentically: having the strength and the courage to accept your own imperfections and vulnerabilities as being part of the “real you.”

Anger is, at its most basic level, a survival tool. The emotional state that is recognized as anger evolved to help people stay alive.

The narcissists in your life feel endangered not by lions or tigers but by anything that threatens their false self-image, and their usual response to that threat is anger.

Anger, aggression, jealousy, and rage were likely heaped upon her as much or more than any real affection. The result was that she suppressed emotions, locking positive and negative feelings way down within her true self, to be replaced with the falsely powerful self-image of narcissism. Then, having not learned how to express any emotions positively, those feelings, both good and bad, get mixed up together. Often, the narcissist cannot express a positive emotion without dredging up something negative along with it.

life. Focusing on your positive emotions is a powerful coping technique for dealing with the narcissists in your life. However, this is something that your narcissistic friend, partner, or relative has a great deal of trouble doing. Narcissists cannot accentuate the positive because any sense of “positiveness” they express is false.

These are all the things that narcissists do. But are they evil? To answer that question you have to look at the intent of the narcissist. And in the skewed worldview of the person with NPD, narcissists are not doing these things to be evil, or even nasty or mean, but to serve their own self-centered need for narcissistic supply.

To label narcissists

as being evil when they do these things would be just as wrong as labeling them “good” when they do “nice” ...

Narcissists can be callous and unfeeling, and care little about their fellow human beings. The results of their indifference, callousness, and carelessness are extremely destructive and damaging. But for the most part, they do not ...

There may be narcissists who truly are evil, but that evilness probably exists in their being in addition

to their narcissism, and narcissism is just another means of expressing it.

All of this nonhuman interaction via digital devices, especially among adolescents, may be getting in the way of the natural process of growing up, and growing out of narcissism.

Narcissists are very susceptible to what clinicians have described as Internet addiction. On social networking sites, the narcissist can be the center of his world, attracting an ever-growing throng of fans, friends, and followers. The digital narcissist can be treated to an almost unlimited source to feed his grandiose fantasies and inflated self-image, without any of the usual risks associated with his behaviors in the real world.

One of the best ways to avoid being led into digital narcissism is to avoid posting nasty, demeaning, or negative statements by following the cardinal rule of If you wouldn’t say it to a person, don’t say it online. The Internet does not make you invincible, nor does it stop your words from hurting someone else. And worse, your words can last forever online.

And finally, if you really feel yourself being swept up into the temptation of digital narcissism, just quit doing social networking! Go cold turkey. With a few clicks of your mouse you can cancel or temporarily deactivate your Facebook or Twitter account; many who have done so said it was the best decision they ever made.

There are a lot of misunderstandings about what an intervention is. Some people think it is an emotional ambush or a kind of attack—neither of which would be a good idea when dealing with a narcissist. But, in reality, a proper intervention is something that is founded on love and honesty, a carefully planned and executed process. That is why you should never consider staging an intervention without a counselor to help you do it, and to help you in the aftermath, no matter how the intervention turns out.

Even if your partner has started therapy, you cannot expect a narcissistic person to stop behaving badly and selfishly overnight and start treating you with the respect, empathy, and compassion right away. It will likely take many months of therapy, with lots of ups and downs, before things get better. That is why it is so important that you also help yourself during this healing process. The effort and time you both make could ultimately lead to the relationship becoming equally satisfying for both partners.

There is a Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) group that offers tools for recovery from codependency. CoDA meetings are designed to teach individuals how to take care of themselves and build healthy relationships.

Pointing out bad habits or behaviors is a “no-no” with narcissists, even though this would be an important part of working out most other intimate relationships. Statements that don’t confirm their perfection are viewed by them as an attack, and they may lash out violently.

NPD tends to get worse with age. If your parent’s NPD is not under treatment, your adult relationship with that parent can be even more challenging than it was as a child.

It is best not to react with fear, anger, or impatience. There are some neutral responses you can use to help reduce the kind of forceful control or intimidation

the narcissist likes to have in communications.

For example, speak with an attitude of patience or curiosity, using responses and questions such as: “That’s interesting, can you help me with more explanation about that?” Or “I’m not so clear about wh...

Other ways to engage with a narcissist include: Always listen carefully and think pleasant thoughts; smile.

If the narcissist sees you as a good source of support, a source of recognition and acknowledgement, communication may be easiest. Pepper your communication with positive comments and recognitions that are truthful and sincere, anything that you honestly might admire. Don’t make the mistake of being insincere in flattering. Keep in mind that the narcissist does not and cannot deal well with frustrations or challenges. Keep in mind that narcissists will probably not treat you as an equal or truly recognize your significance. Instead, they may have unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of you because they feel entitled to it.

Don’t respond with any kind of argument; always be a kind listener. If your patience is tried to the point that you are no longer a kind listener, exit the conversation. Set a firm boundary to meet your own needs. Warn the narcissist if he is pushing too far, and make it clear what you will do if he infringes on your boundaries. If necessary, move away to take care of yourself.

If you do find that you have difficulty handling the strong words or strong emotions of a narcissist, you may want to work on developing greater strengths in your own self-esteem and self-confidence. Find ways to appreciate your own intelligence, creativity, and abilities. Hobbies and or clubs are great for personal involvement and for building self-esteem.

If a person with narcissism or NPD tries to manipulate you into any action that you don’t wish to participate in, here are some suggestions to help you focus on holding your own ground:

Sound sympathetic. You might say something like, “Yes, I can understand what you are asking, but I am afraid that won’t be possible.” And repeat as necessary. Be firm with a boundary that you set. You might say, “I don’t want to take this on. I don’t want to be in the middle of this.” Or, you might just listen, nod, and then state clearly some particular thing you are going to do right at that moment such as, “I’m going to the store right now. Yes, I hear you. I understand but I have to go.” Or, “I’m really not going to do that or take that on, but I have to go now.”

If there is something you want from a narcissist, whether it is a smoother and

more managable way of dealing with him, or some specific thing, the major key is that you first understand how his mind works.

If you can figure out which one of these types of validation the narcissist likes most, use it in your compliments to him. Just make sure the compliment is about something that you truly do admire. Make sure he hears and accepts the compliment before you proceed. Showing the narcissist that, by doing something you want, he will get something significant, especially if it’s along the lines of his interests, is also helpful.

Here are some tips on how to be assertive in your communications: Use eye contact in conversation to both engage the other person and show acknowledgement to him. Your body language always tells a lot; there is a difference between a defiant angry stance and a relaxed, calm, and open posture. Use the 4Cs in your language: clear, complete, concise, and coherent language; that is, to the point without using words that are hurtful.

Understand that you will perceive things differently than he does, and be prepared for that. Do phrase everything beginning with “I”—such as “I feel …” Never begin, “You make me feel ….” A narcissist will never react well to anything that resembles an accusation. Keep your mind flexible and open to looking for solutions, rather than being stubborn and inflexible.

Narcissists have definite hot spots, and will fight with their usual weapons when these hot spots are opened, such as: Blaming a grievance on the other person. Stating that someone else’s actions or inactions caused the problem. Using threats to try to get their needs met or their grievances understood.

If you are treated with disrespect, it is okay to let your partner know that you’re mad; but it is important to regulate the way you react, and for you to remain calm and in control of your own negative emotions.

Both people with NPD and OCD can appear detached, emotionally cold, and machine-like, and can be described as “control freaks.” However, people with OCD have been shown to have empathy; in fact they can be deeply compassionate, feeling sorry for the people in their lives who do not see the need to correct the chaos in the world as they do.

At its core, narcissistic behavior is a defensive strategy to protect the narcissist’s fragile false self-image. However, narcissists also have some very aggressive behaviors, such as the way they react to the slightest criticisms.

Female narcissists tend to concentrate more on issues of body image for their feelings of superiority and adoration from others. They flaunt their physical charms and sexuality to achieve positions

of power more so than do their males counterparts. Male narcissists, on the other hand, become almost comic book exaggerations of male gender roles. They focus on intelligence, power, aggression, money, and social status to feed their false self-image of superiority.