The Charisma Myth: How to Engage, Influence and Motivate People

by Olivia Fox Cabane

When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.

give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities.

A final dimension underlies both of these qualities: presence.

you can be a very charismatic introvert.

Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation: Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod. Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

Chris Voss?

In order to be charismatic, we need to choose mental states that make our body language, words, and behaviors flow together and express the three core elements of charisma.

The very next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence). Aim to bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing on your breath or your toes for just a second, and then get back to focusing on the other person.

Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.

Seems like the easy one

Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.

Just by increasing your projection of power or your projection of warmth, you increase your level of charisma.

Any physical discomfort that affects your visible, external state—your body language—even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be. When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at least on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.

Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple: Prevent Recognize Remedy or explain

The classic adage “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” holds true here. As much as you can, plan ahead to ensure you’re physically comfortable.

Ideally, you should wear clothing that makes you feel both comfortable and highly confident in your appearance. Make sure you’re not sacrificing comfort in small ways

The third step is to take action. If you realize that something has created tension in your face, do something about it. Before others misinterpret it, try to remedy both the discomfort as well as the misinterpretation.

Our inability to tolerate uncertainty carries multiple costs. It can cause us to make premature decisions. It can handicap us in negotiations, leading us to reveal more than we should as we scramble to fill the silence, unable to bear the uncertainty of not knowing what the other person is thinking. And most important, it can lead us to feel anxious. Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma.

The responsibility transfer does not actually dispel uncertainty (the outcome remains uncertain). Instead, it makes the uncertainty less uncomfortable.

Since the impostor syndrome was first identified by Georgia State University professors in 1978, we’ve learned that more than 70 percent of the population has experienced this feeling at one time or another.

Any internal discomfort—either physical or mental—can impair how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive

To be charismatic, you must first learn to overcome the primary obstacle to charisma: internal discomfort.

destigmatize your discomfort, neutralize your negative thoughts, and rewrite your perception of reality.

Sweep through your body from head to toe and find three abilities you approve of.

Gratitude (warmth)

Scan your environment. Look around and find three pleasant sights—even the smallest ones.

Imagine your own funeral: The last gratitude-enhancing technique, used in many highly regarded leadership seminars despite its outlandishness,

One simple but effective way to start is to try to find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward.

Waemth through goodwill

in any interaction, imagine the person you’re speaking to, and all those around you, as having invisible angel wings.

You can think your way into compassion even if you don’t naturally feel

Imagine their past. What if you had been born in their circumstances, with their family and upbringing?

Warmth from compassion

Imagine their present.

If you really need compassion dynamite, look at them and ask: What if this were their last day alive?

Self-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something. Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves.

Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience.

self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair.

Thats almost stoic

Just list five ways that you already care for yourself when you’re having a hard time.

Self compasion practice

Go over your schedule for the hours leading up to the event. Think about how the activities and meetings you have planned will affect you.

♦ Create your own music playlist for the internal state you’d like to have.

To project power and confidence in your body language, you’ll need to learn how to “take up space” with your posture, reduce nonverbal reassurances (such as excessive nodding), and avoid fidgeting.

give yourself little “introversion breaks” during the party: five-minute pockets of solitude.

If you want to impress others, look at the range of choices within that environment and choose the upper end. There’s a reason the phrase “Dress to impress” exists.

Continue with an open-ended question,

Aim to keep your questions focused on positive subjects

If they start asking about you and you want to refocus the conversation on them, use the bounce back technique. Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them,

“Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours,” said Benjamin Disraeli.

First, don’t wait too long to end it.

Graceful exit

Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value:

In this case, focus all your attention, with particularly warm eye contact (see chapter 9 for this), not on the person you’re taking with you but on the person who is being left behind.

Breaking a group

attentive listening, refraining from interrupting, and deliberate pausing.

you can’t let your mind wander while waiting for your turn to speak.

If zoning out is the issue, bring yourself back to the moment by focusing on physical sensations, like the feeling in your toes or your breath flowing in and out of your body.

Good listeners know never, ever to interrupt