The Charisma Myth: How to Engage, Influence and Motivate People

by Olivia Fox Cabane

Great listeners know to let others interrupt them. When someone interrupts you, let them!

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after about two seconds, do you answer. The sequence goes like this: They finish their sentence Your face absorbs Your face reacts Then, and only then, you answer

The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment: Stop. Absorb the compliment. Enjoy it if you can. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day.

Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it.

Avoid White Elephants

Ratio of speaking to listening Amount of voice fluctuation

Predictive model of sales call sucess

Speak slowly.

Pause.

They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence.

@obama

Drop intonation.

During your next few conversations, try to mirror the other person’s overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, the shifts in their weight.

In nonverbal communication, one crucial element for making people feel at ease and establishing rapport is respecting the amount of personal space people need to be comfortable.

The size of personal space varies by culture, by population density, and by situation. A single individual’s comfort zone is in fact highly variable.

When people are sitting across from each other with a table dividing them, they tend to speak in shorter sentences, are more likely to argue, and can recall less of what was said.

The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them.

you want someone to feel comfortable, avoid seating them with their back to an open space, particularly if others are moving behind them.

One good way to avoid creating this anxiety is to keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.

This sounds unpleasant

Charismatic eye contact means switching to a softer focus.

“Powerful people sit sideways on chairs, drape their arms over the back, or appropriate two chairs by placing an arm across the back of an adjacent chair. They put their feet on the desk. They sit on the desk.” All of these behaviors, she says, are ways of claiming space.

Being the Big Gorilla

This kind of high-status, high-confidence body language is characterized by how few movements are made.

James Bond

The first is excessive or rapid nodding.

Dont bobble head

The second hindrance is excessive verbal reassurance: making a sound, such as “uh-huh,” or a half-sentence, such as “Oh, I agree.” Done once, and consciously, this is fine; multiple times per sentence is not.

The third issue is restlessness or fidgeting

To communicate warmth, aim to make people feel comfortable: respect their personal space, mirror their body language, and keep your eyes relaxed.

To project power, take up space (be the big gorilla) and be still (adopt a regal posture).

Cut out verbal and nonverbal reassurances like head bobbing and excessive uh-huh-ing.

Some people are just difficult. Some have egos that need to be stroked, some are always critical, others are deliberately confrontational.

in general, when you have a group of difficult people to convince, you’ll have much greater chances of success if you work on each of them individually.

I was worried this was the answer

Benjamin Franklin’s favorite way to win over his political opponents was not to do them favors but rather to ask them for favors.

ask them for something they can give without incurring any cost: their opinion.

If someone feels like they’ve done you harm, they will seek to rationalize their actions and will convince themselves that what they did was justified.

With criticism (or with “constructive feedback”), try to provide it as soon as possible after witnessing the behavior you want to change.

From then on, he adopted the practice of “denying [himself] the pleasure of contradicting others.”

Ben Franklin

“Most people do such a piss-poor job of apologizing that just by being halfway decent at it, you’ll be head and shoulders above the rest.”

You’ll know you’ve listened enough when they say, “Am I talking too much?”

On the phone, always ask, “Is this a good time for you?” before launching into conversation.

Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice.

You, too, will often be communicating with attention-starved audiences who will devote only part of their attention to what you are saying.

Ideally, you should be able to articulate your message in one sentence. Within this one main message, have three to five key supporting points.

Each one of your supporting points should open with entertaining anecdotes, fascinating facts, compelling statistics, great metaphors, examples, and analogies.

Using metaphors and analogies can be a highly effective way of capturing your audience’s imagination.

Make even numbers and statistics personal, meaningful, and relatable for your audience.

Just as you want to start on a high note, you also want to end on a high note, so avoid ending with Q&A.

Instead, my introducer warns the audience that there will be no Q&A session at the end, so their one and only chance to ask questions is during the speech.

It’s all about them. Use the word you as often as possible. Use their words, their stories, their metaphors: hole in one for golfers, shipwreck for sailors. Try also to match your verbs to your audience: lead or initiate for businessmen, build for engineers, craft for artists.

Beware of negotiations: avoid the “no problem” trap.

Charisma takes practice.

First, when you stand, be sure to have a wide stance, well balanced on both feet.

Second, practice without a podium or a lectern.