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There are many forms of psychological work: assertiveness, processing experiences, mourning, bodywork, behavioral repertories of change, building self-esteem, catharsis of feelings, dream work, restructuring one’s daily life, etc.
when we are ready for it.
We can trust that we will see only what we are tru...
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A loving balance between psyche and circumstances lets us know our work only when we...
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The neurotic ego insists on staying in control and fears the emergence of the Self which says yes to “what is.
We work on ourselves to become clear and responsible, both personally and in relationships; this is
(able to handle fear and
We are caught in ego when we are conditioned by compulsions to grasp and hold onto what we falsely imagine will make us happy or keep us happy.
either…ors, good and bad, I and they. This is the source of adversarial conflict and demands that others change to fit my templates of perfection.
there is something out there that can fulfill my longing and answer my needs, and this something can last forever.
To let go of this belief is to allow the universe to deal us a good or bad hand, without complaint.
dependency. We may still feel, as adults, that our very survival is based on finding someone to fulfill our basic needs.
Knows how to love unconditionally and yet tolerates no abuse or stuckness in relationships.
Creates situations that reenact the original hurts and rejections, seek relationships that stimulate and maintain self-defeating beliefs rather than relationships that confront and dispel them,
• Refuses to notice how abused or unhappy she is and uses the pretext of hoping for change or of coping with what is unchanging.
Lets her feelings go underground. “If the only safe thing for me was to let my feelings disappear, how can I now permit the self-exposure ...
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Is afraid to receive the true love, self-disclosure, or generosity of others. In effect: cannot receive now what was not received originally.
Some of it was violence to our identity. We then designed a False Self that met with our parents’ approval and maintained our role in the family.
“the love I gained with such uphill effort and self-defacement was not meant for me at all but for the me I created to please them.
“I am free enough to want everything I say and do to reveal me as I am. I love being seen as I am.
“We mark with light in the memory the few interviews we have had with souls that made our souls wiser, that spoke what we thought,
knew, that gave us leave to be what we inly are,” says Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Relationships between adults work best when each partner knows his or her own specific ways of feeling loved and tells the other about it.
We can, of course, also be seduced into believing someone loves us authentically when he has only happened upon this same special triggerpoint and has no intention of following through on it in the future.
What we leave incomplete we are doomed to repeat.
What was missed can never be made up for, only mourned and let go of.
Emerson profoundly observes, “when half gods go, the gods arrive.
Only personal inner responsibility and griefwork lets the curtain finally fall.
Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, disappointment, humiliation, isolation, etc. are not feelings but beliefs. Each of these judgments keeps us caught in our story and blinded to the bare fact of loss. Each is a subtle form of blame. Each assuages, coddles, and justifies our bruised ego. Each distracts us from the true feelings of grief. Grievances dislocate grief work. Anger without blame completes it.
Only those who can take care of themselves are free from the two main obstacles to adult relating: being needy or care-taking others.
“I will come to you, my friend, when I no longer need you. Then you will find a palace, not an almshouse,” Thoreau once said.
People whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected, respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be—both in their youth and adulthood—intelligent, responsive, empathic, and highly sensitive.
The art in assertiveness is to ask strongly for what you want and then to let go of it if the answer is No.
Your assertiveness may be interpreted by others as aggression. If this happens: adjust your manner to a level that is less threatening; reassure people you love that you are simply asking for what you want, not demanding it; continually acknowledge others’ right to say No to you. Assertiveness is, after all, “power to” not “power over.”
the assertiveness has triggered fear or sadness from their own past. “It is such a secret place, the land of tears” (The Little Prince).
Whenever possible, check out your decisions with a neutral friend before proceeding to an action. Do this not because you are inadequate, but because you acknowledge your human capacity to overlook something that may be important but only visible to an objective observer.
Assertiveness is not a strategy by which you get your way or win victories over others. It is a set of non-violent, non-competitive principles that manifest your values and integrity. The outcome is secondary. Authentic self-presentation is primary.
Since assertiveness means taking care of yourself, speaking up is not always appropriate. When the other person is out of control, violent, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs, the assertive person makes no attempt to talk sense or make a point. Simply getting away may be the most assertive and intelligent response.
“This being the case, how shall I proceed?
You can be informed by others’ behavior rather than affected by it.
ask people to understand, hear, and acknowledge your feelings, but you do not need their validation.
At the same time, you validate others’ feelings when you are assertive. You show that you see the legitimacy
WHAT WE ARE NOT CHANGING, WE ARE CHOOSING.
Basic Rights of the Assertive Person
Negative excitement is a stressful form of pain in which we fear and desire the same object at the same time.
complications in our life story. Negative excitement can keep us stuck for years in dysfunctional, abusive, or self-defeating circumstances. It
sometimes feels like a sense of purpose since it sustains our ongoing drama. When the object of our negative excitement is gone, we may then feel depressed and even believe our life has lost meaning. The best way to handle negative excitement is to treat it as an addiction and work a twelve-step program of recovery, e.g. Codependents Anonymous.
The “reason” is meant to keep us in control by protecting us from surprises. This control backfires by vitiating our own resilience, a prerequisite for the integration of fear.
The “reason” blockades access to adult solutions. We are so attached to a long-held belief that we lose perspective and mobility for change.
3. The “reason” directly maintains the inertia of fear since we go on fearing wha...
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