How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological And Spritual Integration

by David Richo

One punishes the other without admitting one’s anger, e.g. tardiness, gossip, silence, refusal to cooperate, absence, rejection, malice to cause pain, etc.

Passive anger is inappropriate and not an adult way of behaving. Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate.

Unexpressed anger is r...

Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger ...

The motivation is usually fear but we seldom acknowledge the fear. Instead we rationalize the suppression as politeness or social amenity, configurin...

Anger, like any true feeling, cannot affect, mar, or cancel real love.

Anger is inevitable in any relationship in which people are free and in which they allow one another to get close.

Love without the safety to allow anger is not love but fear. When adults love they reveal their own anger and welcome it from others. This is a way in which the truth sets us free!

Anger does not lead to danger, distance, or violence.

attached. Many of us have never seen real anger, only drama.

It takes heroic work to drop drama and show responsible anger.

The adult functional ego loves the positive excitement of expressing true feeling and then being released from it.

Drama is based on indignation that one was not treated with the love and loyalty one unconsciously believes one is entitled to

Anger is based on displeasure at what happened but with consciousness that this feeling is based on a subjective interpretation

Check out motivations and choices with a person or community or program whose integrity you trust. Then make your own decisions, now more objectively informed.

Notice which values you admire stongly in others. Act in accord with the values you admire while acknowledging that guilt may also partially motivate you.

Gradually, a shift occurs and the guilt-motivation decreases as the value-motivation increases. Acting on values becomes easeful and you love yourself more. Then self-es...

I

accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken. I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies, wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts. I trust that “darkness and upheaval always precede an expansion of consciousness” (Jung). I let people go away or stay and am still okay. I accept that I may never feel I am receiving—or have received—all the attention I seek. I acknowledge that reality is not obligated to me; it remains unaffected by my wishes or rights. One by one, I drop every expectation of people and things. I reconcile myself to the limits on others’ giving to me and on my giving to them. Until I see another’s behavior with compassion, I have not understood it. I let go of blame, regret, vengeance, and the infantile desire to punish those who hurt or reject me.

When change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it. I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me. I cherish my own integrity and do not use it as a yardstick for anyone else’s behavior. I am free to have and entertain any thought. I do not have the right to do whatever I want. I respect the limits of freedom and still act freely. I overcome the urge to retreat on the brink of discovery. No one can or needs to bail me out. I am not entitled to be taken care of by anyone or anything. I give without demanding appreciation though I may always ask for it. I reject whining and complaining as useless distractions from direct action on or withdrawal from unacceptable situations. I let go of control without losing control. Choices and perceptions in my life are flexible, not rigid or absolut...

Every human power is access...

I grant myself a margin of error in my work and relationships. I release myself from the pain of having to be right or competent all the time.

My self-acceptance is not complacency since in itself it represents an enormous change.

Adults learn that separateness is not an abandonment but simply a human condition, the only condition from which a healthy relationship can grow.

Love happens when two liberties embrace, salute, and foster one another.

You can both love someone unconditionally and place conditions on your interactions to protect your own boundaries. “I love you unconditionally and I take care of myself by not living with you.

In every truly intimate relationship, we become ego-invested in the other person. This means that we care deeply about our partner’s welfare. It also means that we care about our partner’s opinions and treatment of us. We are vulnerable to hurt and rejection. We have given power to our partner. This is perfectly normal and flows logically from the nature of commitment.

In a functional ego investment, we will give power without thereby being personally diminished. We are vulnerable as lovers not as victims. In other words, our commitment does not mean losing our boundaries.

In a neurotic ego investment, we lose our ability to protect ourselves. The actions of our partner then determine our state of mind, rather than simply affect it temporarily. We...

1. Ask directly for what you want.

Foster inner self-nurturance (a good parent within oneself). This builds an inner intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive, or invasive.

3. Observe others’ behavior toward you—taking it as information—without getting caught in their drama.

4. Maintain a bottom line: a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on to mutual work or separate tables. This includes confronting addiction to exciting but futureless relationships in which you keep looking for more where there is only less, keep looking for happiness where there is only hurt. In addiction, our illusory belief compensates for and inflates the diminished reality.

You then trust yourself to be able to receive love and handle hurt, to receive trustworthiness and handle betrayal, to receive intimacy and handle rejection.

14.

All the processes of grief outlined in Chapter 1 apply to the ending of a relationship. The worse the relationship, the longer is the mourning required. This is because we are letting go not only of the partner and the relationship but also of the illusory hope that it would work.

Sleep and appetite disorders are to be expected in a time of crisis. It is important to take care of oneself by eating and resting regularly but not excessively. It is also important

to ...

oneself to what one most enjoys without using drugs or alcohol to avoid the stress. This combination of self-nurturance and self-prote...

processing the loss that ha...

Separation leads to self-doubt. You may then believe you may never find another partner.

This gives you information not about reality but about how wounded you feel. It is the fear element of grief and it recedes as your grief work proceeds. Gradually

You believe you are isolated and faced with a hopeless void. This is the same void most people avoid during relationships. It opens its jaws when denial ceases and we acknowledge our shadow side.

In true grief work, we acknowledge this bond but no longer act upon it.

The bond remains but the transactions are ended

Now we contain the love for—without having to take c...

What creates distance in your relationship, you may be using unconsciously to get distance.

You are ultimately alone and ultimately able to make it alone.

No relationship can create self-esteem, only support it.

There is no one person who will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as your favorite parent did, or give you the love you missed from your parents.