Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood

by Robert Lewis

Our culture is in deep trouble, and at the heart of its trouble is its loss of a vision of manhood.

What is a man? What processes produce such a man? And how do you know when you’ve become a man? These three questions are critical.

How does a boy grow into a man? A real man? A godly man? One with character, conviction, and vision? Where does he go to find a manly sense of himself? Who confers upon him the title and responsibilities of manhood?

He said, simply, “Sam, be a man!”

we have failed to deliver to our sons a clear, inspiring, biblically grounded definition of manhood.

Second, most fathers lack a directional process that calls their sons to embrace the manhood they should be able to define.

A third shortcoming involves the loss of ceremony.

formally commemorating their son’s progress or passage into manhood?

code of conduct that Tennyson summarized as “Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King.”3

Puberty, for instance, became more than just a passing moment of physical transformation. It also became a key moment of manhood instruction and challenge, celebrated by a ceremony that would leave an unforgettable mark on each son as to who he was becoming and where he was going.

Many knights also became milites Christi, “Knights of Christ.” As such, they believed they bore responsibilities to the kingdom of God and to society as a whole, not just to the lords they served.

The boy who pursued knighthood followed a clearly marked path. At age seven or eight, he became a page. He was removed from his mother’s care and went to live in a castle, usually with an overlord or relative.

At the age of 14, the page became a squire. He attached himself to a knight and traveled everywhere in his company, serving him in the most menial of tasks:

When he turned 21, he was eligible for knighthood. An elaborate initiation, which included a night-long vigil, a ceremonial bath, and a dubbing, marked the completion of the process. He was now … a knight! He took his place in the order of knighthood and pledged himself to uphold the code of honor.

We missed hearing his teaching, seeing his conviction, experiencing his leadership! Words like these should naturally go hand-in-hand with the word Dad.

Two special people made a difference in my life during these years. The first was my high school football coach, L. J. “Hoss” Garrett. He became a masculine mentor. He gave me years of much-needed affirmation and encouragement.

Invisible Dads are toxic to their sons. I know because I have counseled many of them. Invisible Dads are busy, rushed, and full of good intentions.

Every son deserves a dad who fills his life with love, affirmation, and blessing. Every son needs from his father vision, direction, and solid answers to questions such as: • What is a man? • What are a man’s responsibilities? • What does a man believe? • How does a man behave? • What should a man try to achieve?

Experience has shown us that men who are the happiest and most content in their masculine role today are those whose fathers invested a great deal of time and energy in their lives. —DAVID STOOP AND STEPHEN ARTERBURN, THE ANGRY MAN

Lionel Dahmer has identified a process that is confirmed by experience and verified by observation: When Dad is absent, boys begin to sink into themselves. They begin to drift.

Proverbs 17:6: “Grandchildren are the crown of old men, and the glory of sons is their fathers.”

One of the most promising rediscoveries of our generation is that fathers matter. Publishers have been cranking out books with titles like Wisdom of Our Fathers, The Father Factor, The Difference a Father Makes, Why a Son Needs a Dad, and Why a Daughter Needs a Dad.

“Are you imparting a biblical vision for manhood to your sons?” No one raised a hand.

asked if they were training their sons to relate to the opposite sex—not just sexually but socially. Had they explained a man’s role with a woman from a biblical perspective? No response.

Fathers and mothers have lost the idea that the highest aspiration they might have for their children is for them to be wise—as

Specialized competence and success are all that they can imagine.

A social and spiritual competence can be summarized in three phrases: A vision for manhood A code of conduct A transcendent cause

sons can drift not just because “Dad wasn’t there for me,” but also because “Dad forgot to give me the best things.”

Hang-loose fatherhood, no matter how loving, is not an acceptable answer for today’s young men.

William Marshall’s life is a study in chivalry. For good reason, contemporary historians regard him as the ideal knight.

two significant influences: a powerful mentor who shaped William Marshall’s life, and a particular kind of culture that offered a clear path to manhood.

Modern culture does little to harness the energy and passions of men for good.

88 percent of local jail inmates were men.

93.4 percent of state prison inmates were men.

The lifetime chance that a person will go to prison is 1.8 percent for women, 11.3 percent for men.

Ask your community to tell you when a boy becomes a man, and the only answer you will receive is an awful silence.

Man, the “head” of a woman? “Who says?” cries the politically correct church. “Who dares to say?” The push for gender neutrality has gutted authentic manhood.

MANHOOD PRINCIPLE #1: A REAL MAN REJECTS PASSIVITY

Stephen B. Clark says flatly, “Men have a natural tendency to avoid social responsibility.”12 Without a vibrant, spiritual solution, this pattern of passivity grows effortlessly.

Real manhood begins with a decision to reject social and spiritual passivity when nothing is the more comfortable and natural option.

MANHOOD PRINCIPLE #2: A REAL MAN ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY

the wise father will train his son to embrace these with enthusiasm: a will to obey (God’s will as revealed in the Scriptures), a work to do (not just in the work of his job, but also the work in his home, church, and community), and a woman to love (his wife). If

MANHOOD PRINCIPLE #3: A REAL MAN LEADS COURAGEOUSLY

Leadership demands that men have the courage to master their passions and bridle themselves with the principle of truth.

The courage to lead with truth rather than surrender to feelings always separates the men from the boys.

MANHOOD PRINCIPLE #4: A REAL MAN EXPECTS THE GREATER REWARD

real manhood was designed by God to be liberating and a means of great reward.

A real man is one who: • rejects passivity • accepts responsibility • leads courageously • expects the greater reward … God’s reward.

Key Moves for Presenting a Manhood Vision to a Son • First and foremost, settle upon a manhood definition that you and your son can pursue together.

Teach this definition of manhood to your son at puberty. Have him memorize it as the ideal to which you will point his—and your own—life.