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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Adele Faber
Read between
June 8 - June 14, 2019
our relationships with our siblings can have a powerful impact upon our early lives, producing intense feelings, positive or negative; that these same feelings can persist into our adult relationships with our brothers and sisters; and finally, that these feelings can even be passed on to the next generation.”
“Instead of worrying about the boys becoming friends,” I explained, “I began to think about how to equip them with the attitudes and skills they’d need for all their caring relationships.
I wanted them to be able to move past that kind of thinking and learn how to really listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences.
have someone who will listen to our negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings. Even the unsavory ones.”
“It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”
INSTEAD OF DISMISSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING, ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS.
GIVE CHILDREN IN FANTASY WHAT THEY DON’T HAVE IN REALITY.
HELP CHILDREN CHANNEL THEIR HOSTILE FEELINGS INTO SYMBOLIC OR CREATIVE OUTLETS.
STOP HURTFUL BEHAVIOR. SHOW HOW ANGRY FEELINGS CAN BE DISCHARGED SAFELY. REFRAIN FROM ATTACKING THE ATTACKER.
BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED
CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR HURTFUL ACTIONS STOPPED
AND SHOWN HOW TO DISCHARGE ANGRY FEELINGS ACCEPTABLY
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.
‘Never compare yourself to others. You’ll become either vain or bitter.’
Whenever I was tempted to compare one child to another, I would say to myself, ‘STOP! DON’T! Whatever you want to tell this child can be said directly, without any reference to his brother. The key word is describe.
AVOID FAVORABLE COMPARISONS.
AVOID UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS.
“Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.”
You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).
Describe what you see
Describe what you feel
Describe what needs to be done
Describe what you see
Describe what you feel
“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
By valuing and being partial to each child’s individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.”
CHILDREN DON’T NEED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY. THEY NEED TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY.
Give according to individual need
Show the child he or she is loved uniquely “You are the only ‘you’ in the whole wide world. No one could ever take your place.”
Give time according to need “I know I’m spending a lot of time going over your sister’s composition. It’s important to her. As soon as I’m finished, I want to hear what’s important to you.”
Whether someone learns a piece quickly or slowly isn’t important. What’s important is the meaning you bring to the music that no one else will. What’s important is the pleasure you get from playing. I wouldn’t ever want you to deprive yourself of that.”
natural gifts, and those gifts should certainly be recognized and encouraged. But not at the expense of the other siblings.
The parent can help him see that he’s capable of being civil.
The parents can give the siblings a new view of their brother..
The parent can help him see his capacity for kindness.
The parent can show her how to stand up for herself.
The parents can give the siblings a new view of their sister.
The parent can help her see her potential strength.
CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS DO NOT NEED TO BE VIEWED AS PROBLEM CHILDREN.
Acceptance of their frustration: “This isn’t easy. It can be frustrating.”
Appreciation for what they have accomplished, however imperfect: “You got a lot closer that time.”
Help in focusing on solutions: “This is tough. What do you do i...
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1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.
Play fighting only by mutual consent. If someone isn’t enjoying the roughhousing, then it has to stop. It’s important to establish the value that one child should not be taking his pleasure at the expense of the other.”
“Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary. If one child is being abused by the other, either physically or verbally, we’ve got to step in. If there’s a problem that’s disrupting the entire household, we’ve got to step in. If there’s a problem that keeps coming up that hasn’t yielded to their solutions, we’ve got to step in.
Level I: Normal Bickering. 1. Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful 1. Acknowledge their anger. “You two sound mad at each other!” 2. Reflect each child’s point of view. “So Sara, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And you Billy, feel you’re entitled to a turn too.” 3. Describe the problem with respect. “That’s a tough one: Two children and only one puppy.” 4. Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution. “I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that’s fair to each of you . . . and fair to the puppy.” 5.
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Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous. 1. Inquire: “Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (Play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.) 2. Let the children know: “Play fighting by mutual consent only.” (If it’s not fun for both, it’s got to stop.) 3. Respect your feelings: “You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”
Level IV: Situation Definitely Dangerous! Adult Intervention Necessary. 1. Describe what you see. “I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other.” 2. Separate the children. “It’s not safe to be together. We must have a ...
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Forced sharing undermines goodwill.
