Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.

Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself. A needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by impressing and winning approval from others. Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others. A non-needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by embodying his own values and desires.

Paradoxically, a man’s lack of need for attention and admiration is itself a magnet for attention and admiration.

A needy man is constantly investing in the perceptions others have in him. He is being extra nice and friendly when he doesn’t want to be because he believes he must do this to be liked and loved. He is buying a fancy watch and season tickets to the local sports team so that he will be admired and loved. He is coming up with fake compliments or pretending to be a bad ass because he thinks it will get him attention and love. A non-needy man may still do these behaviors — he may still buy the season tickets or make the jokes. But his intentions are different. Whereas a needy man says and does these things for approval, the non-needy man does them simply for the pleasure of doing. The needy man tries to control what others think and feel more than what he thinks and feels himself. The non-needy man is more concerned with controlling his own thoughts and feelings rather than the thoughts and feelings of others. A needy man will be more invested in the woman he is with than in himself – he will be more concerned about her opinion, about him, about the weather, about everything other than what he actually thinks and feels. A non-needy man will be more invested in himself than the woman he’s with. By investment, I mean the degree to which you sacrifice/alter your own thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else. By less I mean that as a man, you should not be willing to sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice theirs for...

At most, one man had a little bit more meat to share than the next guy.

😏

Neediness is a feeling. It’s intuited by women. It’s instinctual. It’s the gag reflex she has when a guy calls her twelve too many times. It’s the distaste she has when he seems to laugh a little too hard at her jokes. It’s the annoyance she has when he seems to make every decision for her rather than letting her fend for herself. Women unconsciously detect neediness by sensing the intentions behind a man’s behavior and words. It’s why women can often become turned off at the most innocuous moment or by the most unimportant statement. Consciously, the action or statement may seem harmless, but unconsciously, it conveyed everything they need to know about your status and that is this: you base your actions on a constant need for approval.

To most women, a man with no neediness is like a woman with perfect tits and a gorgeously sculpted ass. To a woman, a man with a lot of neediness is like having the worst breath and missing teeth.

When you are attracted to a woman, you should be affected by her, you should be invested in her. That’s the whole fun of it! That’s the reason we have relationships in the first place, to be touched and moved by others. The important point here is how we prioritize other people’s perceptions versus our own. Which is more important? Hers or yours?

James is a nice guy. But he tends to be needy in his relationships and has what we would call a high level of investment with any woman that he meets. Whenever he dates a woman, he will rearrange his entire schedule at her whim. He will buy her gifts and spend most of his paycheck on the nicest dinners for her. He’ll forgo plans with his guy friends and if the woman he dates gets angry, he’ll sit patiently and listen to her vent all of her frustrations to him, agreeing with her constantly in a futile desperation that she may feel better. Even when he feels that she’s being irrational or treating him unfairly, he won’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to be upset with him. As a result, despite caring for him, James’s girlfriends rarely respect him. And sooner or later — usually sooner — they dump him. When James gets dumped, he becomes distraught and depressed. He’s often inconsolable and drinks too much. Usually, he doesn’t feel better again until he meets another woman and the entire cycle repeats itself.

Jeff has been successful with women for his entire life and has a very low level of investment in them until he’s gotten to know them well. Jeff enjoys going out with his friends and pays no attention to whether the women around him approve of him or not. At times, he says something weird or gets rejected, but it doesn’t bother him. But other times girls become quite attracted to Jeff. When Jeff notices, if he finds them attractive, he’ll take their number and ask them out. When he takes them out, he takes them to the park down the street from his flat. He then sits there and chats with them for a while and if he doesn’t like them, he’ll excuse himself and leave. If he does like them, he might take them to get ice cream or check out a show with him. If at any point she decides she doesn’t like him and leaves, Jeff doesn’t really mind. He figures that he wouldn’t have been happy with her anyway, so why change himself to please her? Jeff ends up sleeping with a lot of women. His phone is constantly ringing with texts from them, but he only answers them when he has time or feels like it. He’s never rude or nasty to them. But he only makes time for the ones he genuinely enjoys spending time with.

Because men value sex more than women at the beginning of a relationship, and sexual opportunities are scarcer for men than women, women tend to be less invested and more confident early in on the interaction. When a man approaches her and induces her to become as invested in him as he is in her, this is the process of seduction. Sex occurs as a natural side effect of this process.

Learning techniques and pick up lines without doing genuine, identity-level work in order to permanently decrease your neediness ends up only being a band-aid solution. It provides a short, temporary relief from an otherwise permanent problem. It causes more stress. And it ultimately makes us feel worse about ourselves.

This may all sound a bit selfish. But, in fact, it’s called having strong boundaries and high self-esteem. It’s called being non-needy and an attractive man. Only making time for people who make time for you. Only being interested in dating people who are interested in dating you. Worrying about what will make you happy instead of what will make someone else happy. Looking for a person who meets your needs instead of trying to always meet theirs. Changing yourself to become who you want to be, not what you think women want you to be. Because, ironically, that is what women want you to be: a man who wants to be who he wants to be. Women are attracted to a man they can respect, to a man they can trust. If you’re constantly looking for approval for what to say and how to feel, how could anyone respect or trust you?

I don’t care how hot she is. Is she good enough for you? Does she have integrity? Standards? Is she smart, personable, caring? Are you ready to leave on a dime if she offends you or breaks your trust? If not, that’s probably why you’re not with her in first place.

Needy men only know how to care about what others want, even if it harms themselves. Non-needy men look for that intersection where they can get both their own needs and their partner’s needs met. Narcissistic men overcompensate and decide to only pursue getting their own needs met. Narcissistic men usually do this by conjuring up all sorts of false beliefs about the inferiority or difference of women — how women are incapable of rationality, how they’re “hypergamous,” how they manipulate men, how women are destined to be dominated and controlled. It’s all bullshit, but these men use it as a justification for their overcompensation to put them at ease in their own self-absorption.

the narcissist’s façade is weak and transparent. The truth is that the man’s narcissism is wielded as a sort of shield to protect the sensitive neediness underneath. See, narcissistic men are still desperate for the approval of others. They’ve just taken a counterintuitive route to getting it: their own self-aggrandizement. Whereas a needy man will play at being meek and unimportant in order to get approval from others, the narcissist proclaims his own greatness to get approval from others. When a woman becomes merely another conquest, a number, something to treat like a trophy or a toy, it can be extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs, to risk rejection around them, and to dominate any perspective they might have — all attractive confident traits, merely expressed in horrible ways. Narcissism is also taught to men as a form of dating advice. Much of the dating advice out there advises men to be selfish, to be “alpha,” to be dominant and aggressive and to ignore women’s objections or rejections, to pursue what you want no matter what and take it through pure persistence and aggression. It will justify this advice with all sorts of explanations that women don’t actually know what they want, that they’re just “testing” you, that they actually want it but they can’t say it, and so on.

Men are often raised by other narcissistic men who only found their way through relationships through self-aggrandizement and selfishness, and so they seek to pass these traits onto their sons.

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Narcissistic men end up with narcissistic and/or highly needy women. Narcissistic women will use the narcissistic man to aggrandize themselves, to put themselves up and fulfill their own egotistical goals. Needy women will tolerate a narcissistic man’s poor treatment of them because the needy woman is constantly in search of a feeling of greatness herself. And the sad thing is, it works — not on all women, not even on most women, but it will work on women who have no confidence, who expect to be treated like shit, and who treat men like shit in return. Women with any self-worth will pass up on a narcissistic man in a heartbeat. She sees right through his macho veneer. But low self-esteem women, particularly women with truckloads of emotional problems or a history of abuse, will gladly throw themselves onto the narcissistic man and bring him down with them.

being narcissistic and overcompensating works. But it leads to unpleasant, shallow, and superficial interactions, constant headaches dealing with women who you don’t actually even really like and who probably don’t even actually like you, women regretting having sex with you, and emotionally unstable girls who bother you constantly. It’s like swimming in the shallow end of the pool — yeah, you’re swimming, but it’s not nearly as rewarding as the deep end, and there’s piss everywhere.

A man who is narcissistic only feels non-needy if he’s dominating somebody else and if someone else is giving him what he wants. And in that subtle way, he is therefore more invested in others than he is in himself. He is therefore still needy and unattractive.

The last thing isn't strictly true if he's getting his cock sucked, is it?

Roy went from being needy to overcompensating with narcissism. He went from worshipping women with no respect for himself to worshipping himself with no respect for women. The key to non-neediness is to have both: respect for both oneself and for women. The only permanent way to attract and date more women and more attractive women is to become more attractive yourself. And the way a man becomes more attractive himself is by investing in himself, in becoming less needy.

Men have a lot of negative assumptions about the idea of being more vulnerable and opening up to their emotions. Chances are it makes you a little skeptical or queasy to even see me writing about this. Don’t worry, I’m not going to have you hold hands around a campfire with some wimpy support group and cry about your spirit crystal or share stories about your power animal. I want you to think of vulnerability in a more broad way. Not just emotional vulnerability (although we’ll get to that), but physical vulnerability, social vulnerability. For instance, making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mean being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you do them. In this way, vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. It’s courageous, even. A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “Screw the repercussions; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he is non-needy and high status.

Think of it this way, there are two men. One stands tall, looks straight ahead. Looks people in the eye when he speaks to them. Says what he thinks and is comfortable if some people disagree with him. When he makes a mistake, he shrugs it off and apologizes if necessary. When he sucks at something, he admits it. He’s unafraid to express his emotions, even if that means he gets rejected because of them sometimes. He has no problem moving on to people who don’t reject him, but instead like him for who he is. The second man hunches over, his eyes dart around and he is unable to look someone in the eye without getting uncomfortable. He puts on a cool persona that is always aloof. He performs. He avoids saying things that may upset others, and sometimes even lies to avoid conflict. He’s always trying to impress people. When he makes a mistake, he tries to blame others or pretend like it didn’t happen. He hides his emotions and will smile and tell everyone he’s fine even when he’s not. He’s scared to death of rejection. And when he is rejected, it sends him reeling, angry, and desperate to find a way to win back the affection of the person who doesn’t like him. Which one of these two men is more powerful? Which one is more vulnerable? Which one is more comfortable with himself? Which one do you think women would be more attracted to?

It’s likely that women have been naturally selected to choose high-status men based on their non-neediness first, and then their looks and accomplishments second, since looks and accomplishments tend to be reflections of non-needy behavior, not the other way around. This non-needy behavior indicates a man who is comfortable with vulnerability, who isn’t afraid to express who he is, warts and all, to the world. This plays out in multiple arenas — in the life decisions he makes (Part III), the extent of his courage (Part IV) and the way he communicates to others (Part V).

This would explain why women are often drawn to poor, economically low-status blokes, though some of those may fall into the narcissist camp Mark describes.

Perhaps you’re afraid to introduce yourself to women you find attractive or to ask them out on a date. Perhaps you consistently fall into boring conversation topics because they’re “safe” and shallow and you don’t have to risk offending or inciting anyone with them. Perhaps you don’t assert yourself and your desires enough. Perhaps you hide from your own sexuality and become scared or nervous when people expose theirs. Perhaps you’re stuck in a job or lifestyle you don’t truly enjoy because other people always told you that it was a good idea and you didn’t want to upset or disappoint the people around you. Dressing extremely well makes you feel uncomfortable, smiling at strangers makes you feel creepy, and the idea of hitting on a woman openly scares you because of the possibility of rejection. All of these are symptoms of a root problem: an inability to be vulnerable.

We all have weaknesses, embarrassments, and vulnerabilities. A needy man is terrified to show them because he cares more about what others feel about him than what he feels about himself. A non-needy man is comfortable showing his flaws because he’s more comfortable with how he feels about himself than how others feel about him. Sharing yourself openly with others forces that transition between the two: from needy and afraid of what others think, to non-needy and comfortable in how you feel about yourself. The reason is because sharing these truths about yourself forces you to own them and accept them, and also demonstrates that feeling embarrassed or ashamed is just that, just another feeling, another part of your humanity, not the end of the world.

In all of my years doing this, the single common thread between every man I’ve worked with who has problems with women is either a lack of awareness of his own emotional motivators or an inability to express his emotions freely with those around him. And the sad part is, almost all of these men think they’re fine. We always think that we’re the ones who are fine. It’s everyone else who is screwed up. But I’ll say this: if you consistently find it difficult to keep a woman interested in conversation; if you suffer from large amounts of anxiety around women; if you constantly feel a need to prove something to others or yourself, then there’s something there. Trust me, there’s something there. And there’s something you’re not expressing or some emotion you’re not in touch with. And that’s fine. We all go through it. Ultimately, what women want — what we all really want — is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return.

The whole idea of something “working” on women, is itself a form of neediness. Because a sexual connection is not something you achieve. It’s not a level in a video game that you beat. It’s not something you can strategize. It’s either there or it’s not.

Your statements towards women must be unconditional, otherwise it’s not really being vulnerable. If you tell a woman that she’s beautiful only because you think it’ll give you a better chance of sleeping with her, then amazingly, she will not be very flattered. Try it. It’s true. Give women false compliments and see how they respond. They won’t respond very well. But communicate with honest appreciation and you’ll be amazed how she lights up in front of you.

How attractive you are is based on your lack of neediness. Your non-neediness is based on how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself. And how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself is based on how honest you are to yourself and others.

You can say the lamest and grossest (or funniest, depending on your perspective) thing to women, and if the sub-communication is, “I really don’t care if you laugh or run away horrified, but here’s who I am, take it or leave it,” this sub-communicates a rock-bottom level of investment and an incredibly high level of vulnerability. Does this mean that saying grotesque things to women for no other reason than to self-amuse will get you laid? Not always. And not necessarily often. But you could do worse.

walking the tightrope of pursuing her without looking like you’re pursuing her requires a lot of attention and effort. You can slip up easily. It’s very unforgiving and ultimately, not a very enjoyable process. Besides, all of the attention and effort on “gaming” women this way ironically encourages you to be even more highly-invested and needy, therefore decreasing her likely attraction for you. Men avoid demonstrating an honest interest in a woman because they believe it will signify that they are too invested in her — i.e., it will show that they are needy. They think that when you say, “You’re cute and I wanted to meet you,” that translates roughly to, “Hi, I’m such a desperate loser that I’m just going to throw all of my desires out there right now and beg you to accept them.” But remember, it’s not the actual behaviors or words themselves, it’s the intentions behind those words. There’s a world of sub-communication going on behind a man’s honest declaration of his interest. And it’s an attractive one. Because when a man comes right out and says he’s interested in a woman, the sub-communication is actually, “I’m totally OK with the idea of you rejecting me, otherwise I would not be approaching you in this manner. Therefore, I'm comfortable with myself and my prospects.”

Vulnerability requires honesty, and honesty only works if it’s given unconditionally, with no strings attached. That means everything you say and do must be done without any ulterior motive. You are simply expressing your thoughts and feelings as they come to you, without inhibition, without shame.

A man with an attractive and interesting lifestyle, a man with high standards for himself and the relationships in his life, will take the time to get to know an attractive woman before soliciting her with gifts. He will wait until he feels strongly enough to genuinely give her a compliment. And if he talks to her and discovers that there is little that is interesting about her beyond her looks, then he will lose interest. Ironically, it’s these high standards and self-regard that women pick up on and find incredibly sexy. And it’s these same standards and self-regard that most men spend a lot of time trying to fake. When in doubt, check your intentions.

being a “nice guy” is never much different than being a narcissist. One only gives. The other only takes. But both are the same in their desperation for approval.

When I tell a girl that she is beautiful, I say it not expecting anything in return. Whether she rejects me or falls in love with me isn’t important in that moment. What’s important is that I’m expressing my feelings to her in that moment.

A needy man will give a woman a compliment without knowing her and wait expectantly for her to repay him in either her company or with thanks or with sexual favors. I will give compliments only when I am honestly inspired to give them, and usually after already meeting a woman and displaying to her that I’m willing to disagree with her, willing to be rejected by her and willing to walk away from her if it ever comes to that. This willingness to walk away from her and this ability to accept nothing in return is what gives my genuine interest so much value.

I should add that these aren’t all-or-nothing propositions either. Look, we all want people to like us, and we all like to impress others. We all need some validation sometimes. We all do these things to certain degrees. It’s impossible to be perfectly non-needy all the time. But neediness is relative. That’s why I say it’s about being less invested in others’ perceptions instead of NOT invested in others’ perceptions. It’s an important difference. I’m not advising to become a heartless sociopath. Quite the opposite, really. Because the more you invest in yourself, the freer you will become to care for others around you without looking for anything in response. A man who is needy and does not invest in himself is ultimately only capable of superficial interactions because his threshold for vulnerability is so low. It’s impossible to be completely devoid of investment in other people. That’s how we’re wired. But it is always possible to invest and care about yourself more.

When you’re willing to cut a woman off and tell her when you feel that she’s out of line, when you’re willing to tell a woman what you will and will not tolerate in your life, this sub-communicates the most powerful elements of attraction to her. Far more powerful than an entertaining story or game.

If a beautiful woman says something that a needy man finds offensive, he’ll ignore it, change the topic, or withhold his true feelings. Hell, he might even pretend to go along with her for fear of making her upset. But a non-needy man will tell her what she just said was offensive. Let the chips fall where they may. He won’t be an asshole about it. He will simply draw a line in the sand, “I don’t like stuff like that,” and she can choose to step across it or not.

Non-neediness means you respect yourself AND others. Narcissism means you only respect yourself. Neediness means you only respect others. The difference is that if a woman says something offensive, a narcissistic man will berate her and try to get her to change her mind, whereas a non-needy man will simply make it clear that he found what she said offensive and will not tolerate it again. How she responds is her choice. If a woman insults a non-needy man’s friends, he will not hesitate to tell her to stop and stand up for those he cares about. If a woman says she needs to leave a date after 30 minutes, he will not try to trick her into staying or beg her to come back, he will not yell at her or lecture her on manners. He will smile and say, “Nice meeting you,” and let it go.

Your ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are. Men who are needy and lack vulnerability will keep their boundaries loose and open, inviting manipulation into their lives and allowing people to walk over them. This is because they are more than willing to alter themselves in order to receive validation from the women they meet. Men who are non-needy establish strict boundaries because they value their own time and happiness more than receiving attention from a woman. They also see no reason to trample over other people’s boundaries. When it comes to making yourself more vulnerable, the first step is often to begin establishing your own boundaries. Learn how to say no to people, particularly women. Start having opinions on what you like and don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and won’t tolerate. Be honest with yourself, painfully honest. And then be painfully honest with her.

It’s important to look at the reasons why you’re over-invested around women and have an honest discussion with yourself about it to try and resolve it. For instance, perhaps you’re over-invested around women because you’re a virgin and have no experience with them. Then you need to look at how being inexperienced is causing you to undervalue yourself and seek validation. You must become comfortable with the idea of being inexperienced and be comfortable admitting that insecurity if you wish to gain a lot of experience. Or perhaps your ex-girlfriend left you for another man and you’re bitter. Before you can undo the anger that is causing you to be over-invested, you need to come to terms with why you’re angry and accept why your ex left you. For me, a big part of this was accepting that, actually, I had been a pretty naive and shitty boyfriend to my ex-girlfriend and I could understand why she would want to leave me. I also recognized flaws and insecurities in her that I hadn’t noticed when we were together and that she hadn’t been the perfect angel that I assumed she was. All in all, I came to terms with the experience and the anger receded, allowing me to let go and become less invested in women I dated.

Seeking the truth within yourself is a long-term progress. An entire book could be written on it by itself. But I guarantee that you have some deep-seated truths that are currently causing you to invest too heavily in how women treat you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have bought this book or read this far.

Men often used to ask me how to get a woman to cheat on her boyfriend or husband. My answer has two parts. The first part is: you don’t, they decide. The second part of the answer is: don’t fucking do it, what’s wrong with you? It contributes to the fucking of people’s lives and even if it didn’t, it’s never worth the headache it causes.

There’s usually at least a little bit of friction in any interaction. You’re never going to like 100% of any woman and no woman is ever going to like 100% of you. There will be slight differences in values or priorities that will irk you just a little bit, or maybe a lot. There will also be unavoidable situations and events that will cause obstacles to you two being together. Whether this friction prevents a sexual relationship from occurring though will depend on the strength of your boundaries and what your expectations are.

Ultimately, your values determine your behavior. And that’s kind of the point of all of this: YOUR values determine your behavior, not what you think she wants, not what you think others want, but what is best for you and best for the relationship.

The uncomfortable truth is that the majority of women are going to have high degrees of friction and projection when you meet them. With most of the women you meet, things are simply not going to work no matter what you do or say. This is to be expected. And this is fine. You are going to be incompatible with most of the women in the world and to hold any hopes of being highly compatible with most is an illusion of grandeur and a figment of your own narcissistic tendency. Incompatibility is a fact of life. No matter how you behave or what you’re into, the majority of women out there at any given time are simply not going to be interested or emotionally available to you. Our job is not to attract every woman, but to screen for women with a high potential of being attracted to who we really are. The reality of incompatibility defines our entire strategy of dating women. To base our strategy on anything else is inefficient at best and downright damaging at worst. The world is what it is, it’s our job to simply present ourselves as boldly and clearly to it as possible, accept the reactions and move on the opportunities. Any attempt to control the reactions of others or take some kind of power over the reactions you receive is both foolish and illusory.

Men don’t seem to understand that if a woman rejects him because he’s short, or because she doesn’t like his hair, or because she finds him boring, then he wasn’t going to enjoy being around her anyway. Ask yourself this: why would you want to be intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate you? Why would you ever settle for such a person? Because she's hot? Come on, have a little more self-respect. Have some higher standards.

The first step to being more attractive is to see rejection as a means to eliminate women who won't make you happy from your life. It's a blessing, not a curse.