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Only making time for people who make time for you. Only being interested in dating people who are interested in dating you. Worrying about what will make you happy instead of what will make someone else happy. Looking for a person who meets
your needs instead of trying to always meet theirs. Changing yourself to become who you want to be, not what you think women want you to be.
Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else will.
Narcissistic men end up with narcissistic and/or highly needy women.
if a non-needy man meets a woman who rejects him or is not interested in him, he will assume that it was either an incompatibility or that it was just not the right situation. Either way, he will see it as the right thing to have happened. His life will go on.
But when a narcissistic man is rejected, he becomes angry and hurt. He blames the woman for not seeing his greatness. He calls her stupid or selfish or shallow because she’s not willing to give him what he – a random guy talking to her – wants.
The key to non-neediness is to have both: respect for both oneself and for women.
Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man. And when you find a woman who loves who you are (and you will), revel in her affection.
Brene Brown says, “The less you talk about your shame, the more of it you have.”
But I’ll say this: if you consistently find it difficult to keep a woman interested in conversation; if you suffer from large amounts of anxiety around women; if you constantly feel a need to prove something to others or yourself, then there’s something there. Trust me, there’s something there. And there’s something you’re not expressing or some emotion you’re not in touch with. And that’s fine. We all go through it.
Ultimately, what women want — what we all really want — is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return.
Because sharing yourself with someone doesn’t mean just physically occupying the same area. It doesn’t mean exchanging facts with one another. It means opening up about your values, desires, feelings, and dreams. It means exposing your shame and insecurities and doubts and fears. It means living with somebody on an emotional plane, inhabiting that same heart-space together because that’s the one thing we can’t ever achieve by ourselves.
So the catch is that everything you say must be as authentic as possible. There’s no shortcut. There are no tricks. You say it because you mean it and mean it because you say it. The more nervous it makes you, the better, because it means you’re being authentic and making yourself vulnerable.
But remember, it’s not the actual behaviors or words themselves, it’s the intentions behind those words. There’s a world of sub-communication going on behind a man’s honest declaration of his interest. And it’s an attractive one. Because when a man comes right out and says he’s interested in a woman, the sub-communication is actually, “I’m totally OK with the idea of you rejecting me, otherwise I would not be approaching you in this manner. Therefore, I'm comfortable with myself and my prospects.”
Remember: what you actually say doesn’t matter; why you say it matters.
Here’s the problem: human nature is such that we don’t trust people who like us if we don’t feel as though we earned it somehow. Imagine if some stranger came up to you, started complimenting you incessantly, buying you things, how would you react? You’d probably think to yourself, “OK, what’s this guy selling?” Or maybe, if he was particularly pushy and weird, “Jesus, is this guy an ax murderer?”
Rejection exists for a reason — it’s a means to keep people apart who are not good for each other.
Ask yourself this: why would you want to be intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate you? Why would you ever settle for such a person? Because she's hot? Come on, have a little more self-respect. Have some higher standards.
“if you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
That’s fine. But just going about your life, unless you are extremely good-looking or have a great lifestyle or you manage to meet women through good social contacts, few women are going to initiate with you and the few who do won’t initiate often. In fact, most women, especially very beautiful women, even if they’re attracted to you, won’t initiate with you. Remember, women tend to be less invested before sex, therefore, they (usually) expect men to initiate in the beginning. There are also strong cultural pressures on women to wait for the man to initiate.
I’ll say this: in seven years, after meeting thousands of women, I can think of maybe five instances where a woman was flat out Unreceptive towards me and I “won her over.” If she shuts you down, tells you to go away, tells you she’s not interested, tells you she has a boyfriend, move on. Seriously, get over it and move on. You’re wasting your time. I don’t care how special you think she is, there’s another one out there who’s just as special who will be Receptive to you.
A lot of men get hung up on women who are already taken, and rather than cut their losses and move on, they harbor some fantasy that any woman will cheat on her boyfriend/husband given the right circumstance. This isn’t true. And even in the cases that it is true, it’s also not worth the time or effort. Waiting around for a woman in a relationship is simply not worth it. Period. Trying to sabotage a woman’s relationship so you can swoop in and “steal” her is not only ineffectual but morally fucked up. It’s neediness and narcissism to an extreme degree.
my favorites for Neutral situations: "What's your favorite thing in the world?"
Business guru Dan Kennedy once said, “Your ability to deal with the failure will determine how much you get to deal with success.”
The reason men fear rejection is because they’re operating on other peoples’ truths, not their own. In fact, men who fear rejection tend to be oblivious to their own truth because if they were aware of their own desires, needs and values, what would they have to be afraid of? Why would they ever hesitate to expose their vulnerability to others?
Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, but it’s unrealistic. Being rejected saves me so much time and effort. If I had to go on a date with every single girl I found even mildly attractive, I’d probably lose my mind.
I see every rejection simply as some form of incompatibility. Whether she thinks I’m a total creep, or she’s crazy about me but we live on different continents, or she’s in a horrible mood when I ask her out, or she thinks I’m cute but has different values and interests than me — whatever the reason, if a woman ever rejects me, it’s because she’s not compatible with me. It may be a permanent incompatibility. It may be a temporary incompatibility. But the point is that if she liked me enough, she’d be willing to work at making it happen with me. And if she doesn’t, then that just means it’s
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Some men become satisfied with how many women they can kiss or how many phone numbers they can collect. This is not success. This is not success because you are not maximizing your relationships with these women. These metrics are part of the process. There is no happiness inherent in owning more phone numbers than anyone else. You’re chasing validation, not fulfillment. You are not dating them, sleeping with them, becoming intimate with them or even committing to them. Get out there and expose yourself. Open yourself up and find what makes you happy. Yes, that will mean you’ll probably get
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We practice vulnerability by being honest. There are three ways in which we are honest. And those three ways will make up the bulk of this book. The three ways are 1) living based on our values (lifestyle); 2) becoming comfortable with our intentions (boldness); and 3) by expressing our sexuality freely (communication).
Honest Living correlates directly with the quality of women that you will attract. The more in-tune you are to your lifestyle, the more you take care of your appearance and your health, the higher the quality of women you will attract and the greater percentage of Receptive women you’ll meet.
In my experience, almost all men who struggle with relationships fall into one of two categories: socially anxious or socially disconnected.
Lifestyle Choices The theory of demographics has advantages as well: if you play to your strengths — i.e., if you focus your time and energy on meeting women in situations where they are likely to share your values, interests, and needs — then you’re going to not only experience a much higher degree of success,
Money is nice in that it demonstrates success and implies other positive attractive traits. But again, its utility is vastly overblown. When it comes to money, once again the surveys and studies have some interesting findings. The first is that money/success matters more depending on your age. The older you are, the more money you’re expected to have and the more successful you’re expected to be in order to be attractive. The other finding is that the less wealthy she is, the more important money will be to her.
“Only lazy women are interested in men with money, because they don’t have anything else going for them.”
Women who are highly interested in money are going to be women who don’t have other interests or opportunities in front of them.
The Guide to Overcoming Your Anxiety Fear is normal. Everyone has it in some form, and it's not going away anytime soon. The trick isn't to eliminate it; it's simply to train yourself to behave despite it. Saying you want to get rid of all of your fear is like saying you want to get rid of all anger, or all sadness. This sounds like a noble goal, but research shows we instead suppress or avoid the emotions, leaving us less capable of dealing with them the next time they arise. Instead, what I recommend is to learn to adapt our negative emotions into positive behavior.
The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. Not single, extreme exposure.
The point is: greater boldness leads to greater polarization.
Everything in this chapter and next assumes you are acting based on the right intentions. Remember, women don’t see your features, they see how you present yourself. They don’t hear your words, they hear your intentions. If you suffer from chronic rejection, then you are presenting yourself poorly and/or have poor intentions. In both cases, you’re needy, and therefore, you will always be seen as unattractive until you are able to invest in yourself.
The fact of life is that if you are a man who expresses his sexuality freely (and you should), some women, some of the time, are going to find you creepy. It’s simply unavoidable. No matter how cool, rich, good-looking and charming you are, at some point, somewhere a woman is going to be creeped out by you. Live with it.
It's not about attraction. She's attracted to men all the time but doesn't sleep with any of them or date them. Women actually don't sleep with most men they're attracted to because they would feel slutty or cheap.
Ninety percent of the time when I meet a new woman, I simply say, “Hi, I’m Mark.” I then follow it up with, “I wanted to meet you.” And if I’m feeling particularly bold, I’ll say, “I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you.”
In my experience, the fancier and more creative guys try to get with their opening lines, the more likely they are to a) say something weird and b) come off as needy. Think about it, if you sit around for 10 minutes trying to think of what to say to a girl so that she’ll like you, how is that ever not needy? She’ll sense this. In fact, it’s kind of amazing. Women really do seem to have a sixth sense about this stuff. I’ve noticed that the longer I hesitate and stare at a girl before I approach her, the more likely I am to be rejected. The best approaches I ever do are when I don’t think about
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My experience supports this as well. Those in the men’s dating advice industry have discovered over the past five years or so that the more assertively you pursue a woman, the more aroused she becomes. There’s something almost “magical” about an uninhibited physicality when being with a woman.
But believe it or not, women don’t just want to drop their pants and screw right there on the spot. Whereas men are like a microwave that you just press a button and the food is ready to go, women are like an oven. They need to be warmed up, pre-heated even. Remember, female arousal is primarily psychological. Therefore, there needs to be a sense of build-up to sex. You don’t just go from kissing to screwing (some women do, but typically not). Usually, you need to build up from light touching, to kissing, to kissing plus roaming hands, to some clothes off and more touching, and so on.
