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dating and romance is about just that: allowing yourself to be moved, both emotionally and physically.
much of what I had previously assumed about men and women was merely cultural and not universal.
Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself.
Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others.
Whereas a needy man says and does these things for approval, the non-needy man does them simply for the pleasure of doing.
you should not be willing to sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice theirs for you.
This is why status is based on behavior and not simply assets. A man who is rich in assets has greater potential to make a woman feel secure and comfortable, but if his behavior implies that he won’t, then she won’t be attracted to him.
The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you.
Narcissism in a relationship is built on the idea of always being dominant or in control. It is a nebulous mixture of selfishness, assertiveness, and domination that is achieved not through investing more in oneself, but by minimizing the importance of others.
If the goal is to cultivate highly enriching relationships that add to one’s life, then minimizing the importance of those around you in order to attract them to you makes the resulting relationships unfulfilling and superficial.
In this way, vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. It’s courageous, even. A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “Screw the repercussions; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.”
We all have weaknesses, embarrassments, and vulnerabilities. A needy man is terrified to show them because he cares more about what others feel about him than what he feels about himself. A non-needy man is comfortable showing his flaws because he’s more comfortable with how he feels about himself than how others feel about him.
And all performance is neediness.
You may as well invest that time and effort in yourself and let your identity and honesty do all of the attracting for you.
This is because the truth is always shining through. You can’t fake vulnerability and you can’t fake honesty.
Here’s the problem: human nature is such that we don’t trust people who like us if we don’t feel as though we earned it somehow.
Non-neediness means you respect yourself AND others. Narcissism means you only respect yourself. Neediness means you only respect others.
When it comes to making yourself more vulnerable, the first step is often to begin establishing your own boundaries. Learn how to say no to people, particularly women. Start having opinions on what you like and don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and won’t tolerate. Be honest with yourself, painfully honest.
The important thing about therapy is to remember that it’s a tool, not a solution.
As you’ll see, the book is divided up into three core areas: building a congruent and attractive lifestyle for yourself, overcoming your fears and anxieties, and becoming socially adept at expressing your emotions and sexuality without shame or hesitation.
Friction is when a woman finds you to be an attractive man, but there are value differences or external circumstances that prevent her from acting on that attraction or being interested in you.
Our job is not to attract every woman, but to screen for women with a high potential of being attracted to who we really are.
If you don’t find a woman attractive, don’t hit on her, don’t ask her out, don’t do anything.
And again, for the love of god, if you don’t find her attractive, don’t pursue her.
Which women do you want to meet and what kind of relationship do you want to have with them?
The answer isn’t replacing your identity and passions; the answer is to expand your identity and passions. Expand it to include new and interesting activities, new modes of expression, and new ways of presenting yourself.
Here are examples of some great hobbies/events that you can use to meet women: • Dance classes (salsa, swing, ballroom, etc.) • Political organizations or events • Concerts and concert promotions • Amateur sports leagues (ultimate frisbee and co-ed volleyball tend to have a lot of women — women in good shape too) • Volunteering, charities, charities events (usually overloaded with great women) • Training courses (leadership, public speaking) • Cooking classes • Yoga classes (a goldmine) • Meditation courses and retreats • Self-help seminars and educational events
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Because here’s the amazing thing about people, both men and women: people tend to conform to what we expect of them.
you should be as good-looking as possible for you. You should be as financially successful as possible for you. These are just other avenues in which to invest in yourself.
Assume everything has a form of value; it’s your job to find it.
Once you find it, then decide if you like it or not. Whether you like something or not, you should always be able to appreciate it.
There’s a certain baseline level of independence and self-sufficiency that your lifestyle must give you for you to be able to move forward.
Get your life taken care of. Get healthy. Find a happy group of friends. Find a few hobbies that you love. Develop opinions. Start caring about what you spend your time doing. This increases your self-investment and will make you less needy around others. This, in turn, will give you the courage to take the correct action and the wherewithal to communicate effectively. This is honest living.
Intellectualizing also ends up having a backlash. Once you study a subject enough, it can actually increase your anxiety. By studying it so much, you’ve put more pressure on yourself to succeed and, therefore, build up higher expectations for yourself.
But you’re choosing to let those observations be responsible for your own actions.
In Buddhism, there’s a saying, “What you resist will persist.”
What’s important is not the level of anxiety or fear, but your competence at whatever you’re afraid of doing.
The way to attack anxieties is through incremental, consistent exposure. Not single, extreme exposure.
The difference here is that courage involves acting against fear, whereas discipline involves acting against laziness or fatigue.
just because you feel a lot with each other, you’re not necessarily obligated to one another.
Some good examples include comedy clubs, dance classes, museum exhibits, walks in interesting places (plazas, parks, etc.), concerts, or just grabbing a drink somewhere.
Our level of intimacy with one another doesn’t just come from how much we talk about as much as it comes from the experiences we share. These dates are designed to create as much mutual experience as possible in the least amount of time possible.
Whereas men are like a microwave that you just press a button and the food is ready to go, women are like an oven. They need to be warmed up, pre-heated even.
The important thing is to see sex as not something you are earning or taking from a woman, but rather something you two are participating in together.
every second I spend sitting around feeling distant from my true desires, avoiding the world and being afraid to engage it, is a second that I’m forfeiting the biggest gift of all: my time here in this life.
