Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway®: Dynamic techniques for turning Fear, Indecision and Anger into Power, Action and Love

by Susan Jeffers

AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY ONE OF YOUR FEARS IS SIMPLY THE FEAR THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE WHATEVER LIFE MAY BRING YOU.

What I have just told you means you can handle all your fears without having to control anything in the outside world. This should be a tremendous relief. You no longer have to control what your mate does, what your friends do, what your children do, or what your boss does. You don’t have to control what happens at an interview, what happens at your job, what happens in your new career, what happens to your money, or what happens in the stock market.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO DIMINISH YOUR FEAR IS TO DEVELOP MORE TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY TO HANDLE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY!

From this moment on, every time you feel afraid, remind yourself that it is simply because you are not feel...

WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME, GIVEN ANY SITUATION, I CAN HANDLE IT!

I’LL HANDLE IT

Nor did I until I was forced to. Before my divorce from my first husband, I was rather like a child, allowing him to take over the practicalities of my life. After my divorce, I had no choice but to start doing things on my own. Small things, such as fixing the vacuum cleaner all by myself, brought me enormous satisfaction. The first night I invited people to my home for dinner as a single person was a monumental leap. The day I booked tickets for my first trip without a man was a day for celebration.

TRUTH 1 THE FEAR WILL NEVER GO AWAY AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO GROW.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF THE FEAR OF DOING SOMETHING IS TO GO OUT AND DO IT.

Fear of particular situations dissolved when I finally confronted them. The “doing it” comes before the fear goes away.

THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF IS TO GO OUT . . . AND DO IT.

NOT ONLY AM I GOING TO EXPERIENCE FEAR WHENEVER I’M ON UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY, BUT SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.

PUSHING THROUGH FEAR IS LESS FRIGHTENING THAN LIVING WITH THE UNDERLYING FEAR THAT COMES FROM A FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS.

The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.

The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out . . . and do it. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, so is everyone else. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

IF EVERYBODY FEELS FEAR WHEN APPROACHING SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW IN LIFE, YET SO MANY ARE OUT THERE “DOING IT” DESPITE THE FEAR, THEN WE MUST CONCLUDE THAT FEAR IS NOT THE PROBLEM.

I am talking about power within the self. This means power over your perceptions of the world, power over how you react to situations in your life, power to do what is necessary for your own self-growth, power to create joy and satisfaction in your life, power to act, and power to love.

The kind of power I’m talking about leaves you free, since you don’t expect the rest of the world to fill you up. It’s not the ability to get someone else to do what you want them to do. It’s the ability to get yourself to do what you want to do.

I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVED. And: I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING.

Awareness is half the battle.

3. Put a pin at the place on the chart where you see yourself situated at this moment in your life. Are you in the middle, where you sometimes feel depressed and paralyzed and at other times feel more in control? Or do you definitely find yourself on the far left side, where there is little you are able to do to pull yourself out of the rut? Or perhaps you are already on the right side, where most of the time you feel you are really moving ahead with your life, with only a few areas that need to be worked on. I doubt that anyone reading this book has reached their goal of attaining absolute power over the self. Even the Buddhas have their days! There are always new experiences that challenge a sense of personal power. 4. Each day look at the chart and ask yourself, “Do I see myself at the same place, or have I moved?” Move the pin accordingly.

Use your “mistakes” as learning experiences. Remember that each time you get angry at yourself for an action you have taken, you keep yourself on the side of pain.

Note that your movement on the chart is determined only by your own intuitive sense of how far you are progressing in gaining more power in your life. No one else can judge that, though they may try. Although your life may look exactly the same to the outside world, it is your own sense of internal peace and growth that determines where you are on the chart. It is, totally, a feeling within.

For example, “If only I hadn’t said that to Tom” can be restated, “I’ve learned Tom is sensitive about this issue. Next time, I’ll be more sensitive.”

You get the picture. Begin eliminating the terribles, can’ts, problems, struggles, and so on from your vocabulary. Maybe these semantic differences seem trivial, but I assure you, they are not. Not only does your sense of yourself change with a more powerful vocabulary, so also does your presence in the world. People who display an inner strength are treated differently from those who come across as weak. The more powerfully you speak, the more you will be a force in the world around you.

Take a risk a day—one small or bold stroke that will make you feel great once you’ve done it. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, at least you’ve tried. You didn’t sit back . . . powerless.

As your power builds, so does your confidence, so that stretching your comfort zone becomes easier and easier, despite any fear you may be experiencing. The magnitude of the risks you take also expands. In the beginning you may sign up for one evening course after being out of school for fifteen years. Ultimately you may enroll to get your graduate degree. You will be expanding . . . opening up . . . becoming bigger . . . but all at your own pace. As long as you are taking those risks—no matter how small—you are moving yourself to the right on the Pain-to-Power Chart.

Each night before you go to bed, plan the risk you are going to take the following day. Close your eyes, and in your mind’s eye, practice doing it. Make your visualization as clear as you possibly can. Also, as you go through the day, be aware of where you find yourself hesitating, and start planning your future risks based on these observations.

So take only those risks each day that build your sense of self-worth. These are the risks that enhance your ability to deal with your fears. EXPAND! EXPAND! EXPAND!

They are all, in some way, playing the role of victim. They have given their power to someone or something else.

THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU REALLY ARE IN CONTROL—IN TOTAL CONTROL.

I know it is difficult to accept the fact that you are the cause of the feelings that take away your joy in life. It is very upsetting when you begin to see yourself as your own worst enemy. On the other hand, this realization is your biggest blessing. If you know you can create your own misery, it stands to reason that you can also create your own joy.

As you read the following seven definitions of taking responsibility, keep remembering that whenever you are not taking responsibility, you put yourself in a position of pain, and hence decrease your ability to handle the fear in your life.

1. Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having, or feeling. “Never?” you say. “But this time it really is his fault” (or her fault, or the boss’s fault, or my son’s fault, or the economy’s fault, or my mother’s fault, or my father’s fault, or my friend’s fault!). “Really, it is!” If I missed anyone or anything, just add it to the list. Until you fully understand that you, and no one else, create what goes on in your head, you will never be in control of your life.

Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself. I know this sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that takes away your power or your pleasure makes you a victim. Don’t make yourself a victim of yourself! For some, this is more difficult than not blaming others. Once you’ve become aware that you have created so much of your unhappiness, you may have a tendency to punish yourself and put yourself down. “There I am messing up my life again. I’m hopeless. When will I ever learn?” This, again, is not taking responsibility for your experience of life. It is important to understand that you have always done the best you possibly could,

“What am I not doing in my life that I could be doing that I am blaming him for not doing for me?” (Read that one again!) I am now quickly able to tune into what it is. Either I’m being obsessive about money, or I’m feeling insecure, or I’m not creating enough activity for myself, or I’m expecting him to make “all better” something I’m not handling, or whatever.

This is not a complete list, but you get the idea. Whenever you feel any of these, determine what you are not doing in your life that is causing the telltale sign. You will be surprised how easy it is to locate where you are abdicating responsibility.

By remaining a victim, Jean had clearly become comfortable. She didn’t have to face possible rejection in her search for a new job. Although she hated her job, it was easy. She knew she could handle it; she didn’t have to question her competence. She put in her hours and didn’t have to expend any additional energy. And the job was relatively secure.

6. Taking responsibility means figuring out what you want in life and acting on it. Set your goals—then go out and work toward them.

Keep in mind that this way of thinking doesn’t excuse inappropriate behavior on the part of others in your life. It simply allows you to have a more satisfying life. Fully taking responsibility for your experience of life is a long process that requires much practice. I’m still working on it daily after many years . . . and each day my life gets better and better and better. The point is simply to begin. You will start to feel better immediately.

1. List all the payoffs you get from staying stuck in some aspect of your life. What don’t you have to face? What don’t you have to do? What comfort do you get? What image do you get to hold onto? Be as honest with yourself as you possibly can. When you are aware of what you are doing, you will automatically discard a lot of your robotlike behavior. You will lead yourself instead of being led.

3. Start noticing what you say in conversations with friends. See if it includes a lot of complaining about other people, such as, “Would you believe that Jill was late for dinner again? We had the biggest fight—right in the restaurant.” If this sounds familiar, see if you can turn the situation around so that you learn something new about yourself. For example, “I notice that when Jill is late, I begin to feel really angry. I wonder why I feel that way? I think it’s because she doesn’t seem to have any respect for my time. On the other hand, part of me likes it. It makes me feel superior to always have something to gripe about . . . .”

5. Begin to look at the gifts you have received from what you have always looked at as a “bad” situation.

6. This one is really tough! See if you can go one week without criticizing anyone or complaining about anything. You will be surprised how difficult this is. You will also be surprised to learn how much complaining and criticizing you do. By the way, when you ultimately stop putting down other people in your life, it may seem as if you have nothing left to talk about with your friends. Griping is a habit, and needs to be replaced by something more positive. This takes a bit of time and ingenuity, but it will be far more satisfying and joyful.

1. Avoid casting blame on an external force for your bad feelings about life. Nothing outside yourself can control your thinking or your actions. 2. Avoid blaming yourself for not being in control. You are doing the best you can, and you are on the way to reclaiming your power. 3. Be aware of when and where you play the victim role. Learn the clues that tell you that you are not being responsible for what you are being, having, doing, or feeling. 4. Familiarize yourself with your biggest enemy—your Chatterbox. Use the exercises throughout this book to replace it with a loving internal friend. 5. Figure out the payoffs that keep you “stuck.” Paradoxically, once you find them, you will probably be able to quickly become “unstuck.”

6. Determine what you want in life and act on it. Stop waiting for someone to give it to you. You’ll be waiting a long time. 7. Be aware of the many choices you have—in both actions and feelings—in any situation that comes your way. Choose the path that contributes to your growth and makes you feel at peace with yourself and others.

“What’s so terrible about Pollyanna, anyway? What’s wrong with feeling good about life despite the obstacles in your way? What’s wrong with looking at the sun instead of seeing gloom and doom? What’s wrong with trying to see good in everything? Nothing is wrong with it!”

Think about your own life. I’ll wager that most of what you worry about never happens. So are you being realistic when you worry all the time? No!

Nothing is realistic or unrealistic—there is only what we think about any given situation. We create our own reality.

absolutely no question that learning to think more positively will pull you closer and closer toward finding your own power.