Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

The answer is that the question makes no sense. Don’t choose between the stories; embrace both. That’s the And Stance. The suggestion to embrace both stories can sound like double-talk. It can be heard as “Pretend both of your stories are right.” But in fact, it suggests something quite different. Don’t pretend anything. Don’t worry about accepting or rejecting the other person’s story. First work to understand it. The mere act of understanding someone else’s story doesn’t require you to give up your own. The And Stance allows you to recognize that how you each see things matters, that how you each feel matters. Regardless of what you end up doing, regardless of whether your story influences theirs or theirs yours, both stories matter. The And Stance is based on the assumption that the world is complex, that you can feel hurt, angry, and wronged, and they can feel just as hurt, angry, and wronged. They can be doing their best, and you can think that it’s not good enough.