The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness

by Steve Peters

Write down the characteristics of the person that you would ideally like to be. Now write down how you believe you are in reality. Get a close friend, who knows you well, to also write down what they think your personality is like. Now compare all three. See what Gremlins you can start removing and what Chimp behaviours you can start to manage in order to stop the interference from them and allow you to be your ideal person.

Those who have unrealistic expectations of others and shout, get frustrated, angry or upset are unlikely to get anywhere and often end up looking pretty foolish.

There are numerous types of personality disorders. These people are arguably not ill but have traits such as obsessional behaviours or impulsive behaviours that are more extreme than most of us. There is a body of evidence to support the argument that they have different types of brains or different functioning brains than a typical human brain.

The Alpha Wolf is a dominant Mindset and is more common in men than women. The features that this Mindset displays are a mixture of the following: • The world is a place that belongs to them and others are in their world. • They give people a value on how they can use them to fulfil their own ambitions. • They dominate by believing that getting the best out of a situation means showing zero tolerance to people. • Compassion is seen as weakness. • Others’ opinions are irrelevant in most cases, as they believe that their opinion is right. • Ignoring someone who is seen as being of little value is the best way of dealing with them. • Any challenges are met with aggression and hostility. • Any admissions to errors, or being wrong, are merely given lip service and dismissed quickly.

Alpha Wolf Mindset – it makes people around it extremely unhappy and it is only a matter of time before an attack brings down the Wolf.

When we meet other people there are three approaches that can help us to understand them better: • Try not to make assumptions about others. • Try not to have preconceived expectations of others. • Beware of prejudice.

To get a better understanding of others you will also have to be open-minded and be prepared to look at them in a different way, otherwise nothing will change.

If you enter a relationship with demands or expectations that the other person should do something towards this relationship then you are likely to have a stormy passage. It would seem reasonable to expect a two-way relationship, but don’t bank on it.

Successful people don’t make demands of others but set the scene so that the Human in others can respond, rather than their Chimp.

Have a think about key people around you and spend some time to work out if you are doing this to others in your life. If you have frustrations with people then have a look at your expectations of them and see if they are reasonable.

A common example is that a lot of men struggle to read body language and it frustrates some of them that they don’t pick up on moods or unhappiness in people. If you have someone in your life like this, then it is pretty unreasonable of you to expect him to suddenly develop this skill. It is unlikely to happen. He doesn’t have the problem, it is how he is built; it is you that has the problem if you don’t accept this. Of course he is trying to read your body language, but he needs you to explain or express your feelings verbally so that he can understand. It doesn’t help him if you expect him to be a mind reader!

point it is wise to remind ourselves of some obvious truths when it comes to expectations of people. These include: • Not all people are going to be friendly. • Some people never change. • Some people never understand. • Some people are not going to like you. • People and Chimps vary from day to day. • No one is all bad. • No one is all good. • No one is going to agree with everything you say, every time.

The ‘one in five’ rule None of us likes to be unpopular or misunderstood. However, in the real world, being misunderstood or not liked is going to happen. If you took five people from the population and asked them if they liked you or understood you then you are likely to get the following response. One of them will love you and understand you regardless of what you do or say. They will be on your side. One of them will dislike you and not understand you, no matter what you do. Three of them will be more balanced and will weigh you up in an objective manner.

Getting the best out of people depends on how you approach them and what you understand of them.

The best relationships are the ones where you accept the person as they are and work with this.

Walk away from people whose behaviours or beliefs you cannot accept.

Invest a lot in those whom you...

Your effect on others Ask yourself what effect you are having on others after you have interacted with them. Are you building them up or knocking them down? Are you coming across as an energiser or are you sapping their energies? Work out what effect you want to have, and then work on doing this with each interaction during the day. Monitor your progress by reflecting at the end of each day. Remember that sometimes people can be uncooperative no matter what you do, but count the successes that you have.

Now let’s return to the Square of Communication and put the corners in place: • The right time • The right place • The right agenda • The right way

Common Chimp agendas A Chimp will want to: • Win • Express emotion • Attack the other person • Defend itself • Get its point across • Not give way or change stance • Come out looking good and being innocent • If guilty, use excuses of being provoked and being a victim

Common Human agendas A Human will try to: • Understand the other person first • Allow the other person expression • Gather all the information by listening • Look for a solution • Use facts not feelings or impressions

Human’s method In a confrontational situation, the Human will try to: • Remain calm • Use ‘gentle’ non-emotional words • Listen first • See a different point of view • Be open to changing stance • Recognise opinions are not facts • Reason and discuss • Find common ground • Use reasoning to try and reach a joint decision • Compromise to try and satisfy everybody • Accept differences

Research suggests that females are far better than males in reading a situation by using body language cues. As said in earlier chapters, it is our Chimps that read other people’s body language and they do this often without the Human even knowing they are doing it.

If we tower over someone when talking to them, most people would find this very intimidating and threatening and any message offered might get interpreted with a negative feeling attached to it. It is the same as having your body space invaded. We all have a space around us that we feel belongs to us and if someone gets too close and is unwelcome then we immediately feel uncomfortable. Body space is different from culture to culture and person to person but the general rule is that we are programmed to feel comfortable at arm’s length from another person. Any closer leaves us uneasy unless we are welcoming it.

Crossing our arms generally means that we feel attacked and are being defensive. It can also mean that we are being overloaded with information or are not sure we want the information being given. Then again we might just be feeling cold or cross our arms out of habit! The important point is that if you cross your arms the other person is likely to have a negative interpretation.

Our faces also use what are called micro-expressions. These are defined as facial expressions occurring in very high emotional states that last for less than a quarter of a second. It has been argued that some people can read micro-expressions and be able to tell when others are lying. In reality, research suggests that very few people can do this with any amount of accuracy. However, as the micro-expressions are involuntary, if we video someone who is talking, we can slow the frames down to watch for certain signs that seem to correlate with lying. All aspects of the face, involving the lips, eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth and muscles, are monitored.

Speed The speed of speech can portray many feelings and emotions: urgency, irritation, excitement, uncertainty, etc. When somebody speaks quickly they will alert the Chimp in the other person. The Chimp will interpret this rapid speech depending on what is happening around it. Conversely, when we speak slowly the Chimp is more likely to relax and therefore the Human in the other person will be able to respond more easily. It is also true that we mimic what we hear and see. If someone is speaking quickly then we are more likely to respond with rapid speech. If someone speaks slowly then we are more likely to respond in a slowed-down manner.

Speaking steadily will help us to get messages across in the way that we intend and help the other person to listen.

These three levels are negotiation, mediation and arbitration. The last two involve the third person. Negotiation This is the first step to sorting things out. Approach the person yourself and try to find common ground by listening to each other, respecting opinion and agreeing to differ if you can’t agree. Mediation If you can’t agree but want to sort things out, or you both find it hard to even sit in the same room together, then mediation would be the next step. Mediation is basically where an independent person, agreed by both of you, comes in to help you to resolve your differences. The mediator doesn’t decide but just facilitates the conversation and provides the best setting for getting what you both want. They are effectively a calming influence that manages the conversation and both Chimps! Arbitration This is the next step when you want a decision made but just can’t agree. The arbiter is a person, agreed by both of you, to come in and listen and then to be the judge with a final decision on what will happen. You both have to accept to abide by the decision of the arbiter whether you agree with it or not.

The Square of Communication has the right person in the middle with the four corners being the right time, place, agenda and way.

• The Chimp lives in a jungle and needs looking after. • The Human lives in a society and needs looking after. • The Computer makes sense of these two worlds and comes up with the Real World. • The Real World is a fluctuating existence between two parallel worlds that change frequently. • Living in the Real World is learning how to survive and be happy.

There are seven steps that will help you deal with stress. We are going to take a look at these one by one, but here they are, in the order in which we will be dealing with them. 1. Recognition and change 2. The pause button 3. Escape 4. The helicopter and getting perspective 5. The plan 6. Reflection and activation 7. Smile

Whenever you want to stop the Chimp, always actively slow your thinking down. This will work in ALL situations. It is another excellent way to manage the Chimp.

Despite his disappointment he might manage a smile and be thankful that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Decision-making path • First gather all the information possible to make the decision. • Accept that some information may never be available and some will arrive too late – so ignore this because you can’t do anything about it. • Look at the consequences of making each choice and see if one is serious – accept that both choices will have consequences. • Tell your Chimp to stop making it into a catastrophe and get some perspective – be firm and remove or contain emotion. • If appropriate try laughing at yourself or at the situation – it’s better than crying. • If you still can’t decide then there can’t be much difference between the choices, so toss a coin and go with it and deal with the consequences.

Checking for chronic stress The symptoms of chronic stress are easy to recognise once you know where to look. Some common symptoms of chronic stress include: • Constantly feeling tired • Short-tempered • Lacking a sense of humour • Anxious or worrying for no apparent reason • Anxious or worrying for trivial reasons • Unable to relax properly • Paranoid ideas • A sense of urgency with everything • Tearful or depressed • Unable to face work or friends • Small tasks seem large • Disrupted sleep patterns

Some common areas to look at for preventing chronic stress are: • Using your time sensibly • Being assertive • Having realistic expectations • Taking responsibility for things you are responsible for and nothing else! • Addressing problems as they occur • Regularly settling your Chimp down by nurturing it • Recognising a potential problem • Recognising your limits • Seeking appropriate help early • Talking out stressful situations with others

Some useful Autopilots to replace the Gremlin could be: • Humans learn to live with concerns but do not allow worry to take place, as this is an unhelpful emotion. • Humans accept that solutions to problems take time and worrying your way to the solution is unhelpful. • Most worries are trivial in the long run and often take care of themselves. • Worrying never does any good. • Worrying is an option and we can choose not to worry. • Learning to get perspective and to laugh at yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. • Relaxing is a powerful worry remover.

Some constructive ways to diffuse chronic stress • Learn and use relaxation techniques. • Be able to delegate and share problems. • Ask for help from the appropriate source. • Get perspective. • Look beyond the problem to solutions. • Be realistic. • Remind yourself you are in charge of your own feelings and direction. • Share your feelings with someone who cares.

Unsuccessful people tend to be reactive. This means that they base their plans around reacting to problems and are constantly trying to fight back. They see life as a struggle. Chimps tend to be reactive; therefore they give up easily and take the line of least resistance. Humans tend to be proactive; therefore they constantly plan.

Humans need healthy minds. There are a number of ways to keep your mind healthy. Some examples include intellectual stimulation and challenge, laughter and fun, purpose and achievements. Making these happen will bring your mind into a healthy state as long as you don’t overdo it and stress yourself! Laughing and having a sense of humour can be the best tonic that you can give your mind. Try to see the funny side when things don’t go according to plan. Learning to laugh at misfortune and at your self is a learnt behaviour, a strong Autopilot, and one worth developing.

Being personable and being personal are two very different things. Personable means that you are friendly, approachable and amenable; you can be this whether you like the person or not. Personal means that you are forming a friendship or more with the person.

When you decide to do something, remind yourself that it is commitment not motivation that matters.

Define what you mean by success and stick to it. • Wear the crown when it is appropriate. • Respect the crown when it is on somebody else’s head. • Commitment is the biggest part of the CORE principle. • Take ownership and responsibility for your life. • Aim for personal excellence. • Grow lots of carrots and get rid of the stick.

A dream is something that you want to happen but it is not fully under your control. The dream has outside influences and therefore you cannot guarantee that it will happen; it is just a wish. Goals are something that you can set and achieve because you have full control of them. Goals increase the chances of dreams happening.

Write down the Foundation Stones that will support your dream. • Give each stone a measurable goal. • Divide the goals into maintenance and target goals. • Set new standards for the target goals and a time scale to work on them.

Write a list of all the essential, significant and desirable needs to take on the dream. • Write a list of all the hurdles, barriers and pitfalls that may stop the dream from happening and devise plans to deal with these.

Form a plan in stages with measurable goals. • Give time scales to each stage and goal. • Select two target goals to work on.

Plan a reward and celebration for each goal achieved and each stage reached, before you start. • Make a visible record to measure progress and put it somewhere prominent. • Display helpful reminders and encouragers such as posters or notes to keep your Chimp on track. • Get a friend to share your journey with; either by climbing the mountain and being as committed as you, or just to encourage you.

A common problem people experience, following a success, is to go into an emotional dive or feel depressed. There has been so much time and effort put into achieving the goal that there is a bit of an anti-climax afterwards, with a loss of focus and routine.