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August 17 - August 22, 2017
Self-compassion delivers an impressive array of benefits: decreased anxiety, depression, and self-criticism; improved relationships and greater feelings of social connectedness and satisfaction with life; increased ability to handle negative events; and even improved immune system functioning. 9
defines self-compassion as a three-step process: First, realizing that we’re experiencing difficulties. Second, responding with kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering or feel inadequate, rather than being harshly self-critical. Third, realizing that whatever we’re going through is commonly experienced by all human beings, and remembering that everyone goes through difficult times.
When things go wrong in our lives, it’s easy to feel that other people are having an easier time. Recognizing instead that everyone at some point has had or will have the very experience you’re having now can help you feel like part of the larger human experience rather than feeling isolated and alienated.
Metta is worth doing because of the spillover effect it produces. Often, though the exercise itself feels awkward, you will notice throughout the rest of the day that you are more present, connecting better with others and better able to absorb and enjoy the good moments in your life. As Germer puts it: “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Displaying confident body language will actually make you feel more confident; these feelings will in turn affect your body language, which will adapt accordingly, displaying yet more confident signals.
Behavioral science researchers have come to the conclusion that willpower is a bit like a muscle that fatigues depending on how much we use it. If we draw on our
willpower to resist a temptation or to put up with a certain annoyance, it will be weaker when we need it for another activity soon after. In fact, exerting willpower physically fatigues us.
KEY TAKEAWAYS Creating an optimal mental state is crucial to unleashing your full charisma potential. Visualization can help you create the right mental state and thus the right charismatic body language. To make visualizations most effective, vividly engage all five senses in your imagination. You can increase both warmth and confidence by practicing gratitude, goodwill, and compassion for others as well as for yourself.
Just as professional athletes and performers do, plan a gradual warm-up to reach your peak charismatic performance. Before important events, avoid experiences that would impair your mental state and plan warmth- and confidence-boosting activities instead. Your body affects your mind. Flip the visualization technique on its head and practice adopting the right posture and facial expressions to access more of almost any desired internal state.
four distinct kinds of charisma: focus, visionary, kindness, and authority.
Focus Charisma: Presence and Confidence
Elon Musk, cofounder of PayPal and current CEO of Tesla Motors, embodies focus charisma. As he’ll tell you himself, Musk is very much an introvert.
Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence.
A less common risk is exhibiting too little warmth, which leads to attention that is too intense. If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to feel like an interview, or, worse yet, an interrogation. This is where you need to balance focus with warmth and acceptance or genuine respect,
Focus charisma is appropriate for almost all business situations. It’s particularly useful when you need people to open up and share information.
Visionary Charisma: Belief and Confidence
Visionary charisma makes others feel inspired; it makes us believe.
One recent attendee to a Steve Jobs presentation told me: “He spoke with such conviction, such passion, he had all of our neurons screaming, Yes! I get it! I’m with you!!!”
Why is visionary charisma so effective and powerful? Because of our natural discomfort with uncertainty.
Visionary charismatics aren’t necessarily warm people, but they do feel strongly, even passionately, about their vision. And to be truly charismatic, their vision must include a certain amount of nobility and altruism.
With visionary charisma, you’re selling people on the vision more than on yourself.
We assess visionary charisma primarily through demeanor, which includes body language and behavior.
The message matters for visionary charisma. This means knowing how to craft a bold vision and knowing how to deliver the message charismatically
Kindness Charisma: Warmth and Confidence
Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted.
Kindness charisma is perfect anytime you want to create an emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable.
Authority Charisma: Status and Confidence
Authority
charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others.
Authority charisma works well in many business situations, and in any situation where you want people to listen and obey.
KEY TAKEAWAYS Choosing the right charisma style depends on your personality, goals, and the situation.
You can alternate among different charisma styles or even blend them together. Don’t force yourself into a charisma style that is just too awkward for you. Doing so would negatively affect how you feel and how others perceive you. The more charisma styles you can access, the more versatile and confident you will be. Stretch out of your comfort zone in low-stakes situations. Stick with styles you already know well in high-stakes situations. Let goodwill be your safety net. Coming from a place of genuine goodwill gives you the best chance of getting your charisma right.
YOU NEVER GET a second chance to make a great first impression. Within a few seconds, with just a glance, people have judged your social and economic level, your level of education, and even your level of success. Within minutes, they’ve also decided your levels of intelligence, trustworthiness, competence, friendliness, and confidence.
Why do split-second impressions last for so long? One reason is that, according to economist John Kenneth Galbraith, when “faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.”
made a judgment about someone, we spend the rest of our acquaintanceship seeking to prove ourselves correct. Everything we see and hear gets filtered through this initial impression.
Today, even in sophisticated business settings, we still operate on hunter-gatherer survival instincts. When we first meet
someone, our instinctive question is: friend or foe? How friendly are their intentions likely to be? To find an answer we still look to the clues that were so useful in tribal times: appearance and demeanor.
how can you make a fantastic first impression? Our default setting here is actually quite simple: people like people who are like them.
If you want to impress others, look at the range of choices within that environment and choose the upper end. There’s a reason the phrase “Dress to impress” exists.
no matter how expensive their suit, watch, or briefcase, if their handshake is bad, their first impression will take a hit.
KEY TAKEAWAYS First impressions happen within seconds and can affect not only the rest of the interaction but also the rest of your relationship with that person. People feel most comfortable with those who are similar to them in some way, including appearance and behavior. Do your homework and decide how much you want to adapt your dress and word choice to your environment. A good handshake can go a long way. Likewise, a bad one can
leave an unfavorable and lasting first impression. It’s worth spending some time perfecting the right way to greet someone. Great conversationalists keep the spotlight on the other person and make them feel good about themselves. Know how to gracefully exit a conversation, leaving others with positive feelings.
Because we’re constantly creating associations in people’s minds, it’s crucial in both business and social situations to be aware of how you’re making people feel. To be charismatic, you need to create strong positive associations and avoid creating negative ones.
How do you feel when someone pays you a compliment? For instance, when someone says you look good or you have accomplished something impressive, do you instinctively downplay it? For many people, compliments feel both pleasant and a little awkward, and they don’t quite know how to handle them. Many of us either turn bashful or modestly deflect the compliment by saying something like “Oh, it’s nothing…” Unfortunately, doing this sends a message to your admirer that they were wrong to compliment you. They will probably feel rather foolish, and there’s even a chance that they will associate this
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I tell all my clients: Don’t try to impress people. Let them impress you, and they will love you for it. Believe it or not, you don’t need to sound smart. You just need to make them feel smart.
It’s not just metaphors that can paint the wrong picture. Some common phrases can have the same effect. When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”
Attention is a precious resource, just like time and money. Anytime you ask people to listen to what you say or read what you’ve written, you’re asking them to spend both their time and their attention on you. You’re asking them to give you some of their resources. What are you giving them in return? Whenever people are asked to expend any of their scarce resources, you can bet that they are (at least subconsciously) measuring the return on their investment. You can deliver value to others in multiple ways:
Entertainment:
Inform...
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