The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism

by Olivia Fox Cabane

this very moment.

Step Two: Neutralize Negativity

The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort.

One of the main reasons we’re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid. This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind’s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.

When your brain spins negative scenarios, remind yourself that you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. Your brain might be following its negativity bias, playing up some elements more than others, or omitting some positives entirely.

Don’t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity. Assume you’re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive. ♦ See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses flickering around your brain.

Assign a label to your negative experience: self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it. ♦ Depersonalize the experience. Rather than saying “I’m feeling ashamed,” try “There is shame being felt.” Imagine that you’re a scientist observing a phenomenon: “How interesting, there are self-critical thoughts arising.” ♦ Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your

country, your city, and finally the room you’re in. See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment. ♦ Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; see if you can turn down the volume, or even just put the radio to the side and let it chatter away. ♦ Consider the worst-case outcome for your situatio...

this—that you wouldn’t make it through—and yet ...

Step Three: Rewrite Reality

Deciding to change your belief about what happened (technically called cognitive reappraisal) effectively decreases the brain’s stress levels.

In most situations, we don’t know for certain what motivates a person’s actions, so we might as well choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma.

So when a difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few alternate versions of reality. Conjure a few different scenarios that would induce you into a more useful mental state.

Take a deep breath and shake out your body to ensure that no physical discomfort is adding to your tense mental state. Dedramatize. Remind yourself that these are just

physical sensations. Right now, nothing serious is actually happening. This only feels uncomfortable because of the way your brain is wired. Zoom out your focus to see yourself as one little person sitting in a room with certain chemicals flooding his system. Nothing more. Destigmatize. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is normal and everyone goes through it from time to time. Imagine countless people all over the world feeling the exact same thing. Neutralize. Remind yourself that thoughts are not necessarily real. There have been many times when you’ve been certain that a client was disappointed, only to discover that the exact opposite was true. Consider a few alternate realities. Michael considered: Maybe the tension in John’s voice had nothing to do with me. Maybe he felt harried because he’s running late on that project he mentioned last week. Maybe he fears that I might terminate our

engagement. Maybe he’s worried that he’s not as important to me as my other clients. Maybe he’s afraid of losing me. Visualize a transfer of responsibility. Feel the weight of responsibility for the outcome of this situation lift...

this technique, called delving into sensations, can help you access charismatic presence even during highly uncomfortable situations.

The ability to handle discomfort is a highly valuable skill. The less discomfort affects you, the fewer the situations that can impair your charisma potential. When you know how to handle discomfort, no situation can shake you; whether business or personal, there is no feeling that can make you run away.

KEY TAKEAWAYS To be charismatic, you must first learn to overcome the primary obstacle to charisma: internal discomfort. Skillfully handle internal discomfort with a three-step process: destigmatize your discomfort, neutralize your negative thoughts, and rewrite your perception of reality. Destigmatize and dedramatize uncomfortable feelings by remembering that they are survival instincts and a natural part of the human experience. Think of others who’ve gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. Neutralize unhelpful negative thoughts by remembering that the mind often distorts reality

and filters your environment to highlight the negative. Think of your negative thoughts as graffiti on a wall—you may find it an ugly sight, but just because you see an ugly sight doesn’t mean you’re an ugly person. Rewrite reality by considering a few helpful alternatives to your current perspective. For maximum effect, write down your new realities by hand and describe them in vivid detail. For advanced practice, delve into the physical sensations of discomfort. Focusing on the sensations gives your mind something concrete to focus on, drawing your attention away from your feeling that the experience is unbearable.

Visualization is truly a miracle method, helping you boost confidence, emanate more warmth, replace anxiety with calm serenity, or gain access to whichever emotion you’d like to feel and then broadcast it through your body language.

So the next time you’re feeling anxious, you might want to imagine being wrapped up in a great big hug from someone you care about.

Visualization is indeed a powerful tool. Of all the charisma-boosting techniques, this is the one I recommend making a permanent part of your toolkit. If you gain nothing else from this book, this one technique will make a critical difference to your charisma.

Warmth is one of the key components of charismatic behavior. It can make people like you, trust you, and want to help you.

You’re going to get a three-step gradual transition into warmth, from the least personal to the most personal. The first step is to get in touch with warmth directed toward life in general, and your life in particular. This falls under the general category of gratitude.

Then you’ll experiment with warmth toward others—these are the realms of goodwill, altruism, compassion, and empathy.

Last, you’ll explore what seems to be, for most of us, the least

comfortable kind of warmth: warmth ...

Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation

Gratitude is a great antidote to all of these negative feelings because it comes from thinking of things you already have—from material items or experiences to cherished relationships.

Human beings are instinctively wired for hedonic adaptation: the tendency to take our blessings for granted.

One way to invoke a sense of gratitude is to focus on little things that are physically present. During a recent lunch meeting at a restaurant, for instance, I focused on little delights: the sun streaming through the window; blue skies; that the waiter got my order right; or the existence, availability, and wonders of ketchup.

Another good gratitude-enhancing tool is to view your life through a third-person lens, writing a narrative about yourself cast in a positive light.

Focus on the present: The next time you find yourself annoyed at some minor thing, remember that letting your mind focus on the annoyance could impair your body language.

Imagine your own funeral: The last gratitude-enhancing technique, used in many highly

regarded leadership seminars despite its outlandishness, is the most intense—do not take it lightly.

Step Two: Goodwill and Compassion

When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars.

Goodwill is the second step on the road to accessing warmth and, ultimately, charisma. Using goodwill in your daily interactions can instantly infuse your body language with more warmth, kindness, care, and compassion—all very charismatic qualities.

Goodwill is the simple state of wishing others well. You can think of it as a mental muscle that can be strengthened through practice.

One simple but effective way to start is to try to find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward.

When you start searching for positive elements, your mental state changes accordingly and then sweeps through your body language.

Goodwill means that you

wish someone well without necessarily knowing how they’re feeling. Empathy means that you understand what they feel; perhaps you’ve had a similar experience in the past. Compassion is empathy plus goodwill: you understand how they feel, and you wish them well.

describes the process of accessing compassion as follows: first comes empathy, the ability to understand what someone is feeling, to detect distress; second, sympathy, being emotionally moved by distress; and third,

compassion, which arises with the desire to care for the well-being of the distressed person.

Your willingness to focus on others’ well-being is all you need to positively change your body language.

Goodwill and compassion give you warmth to balance your power, and can save you from appearing overconfident or, worse, arrogant.

Step Three: Self-Compassion

self-compassion is feeling that what happened to you is unfortunate, whereas self-pity is feeling that what happened to you is unfair.