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Skillfully handling any difficult experience is a three-step process: destigmatize discomfort, neutralize negativity, and rewrite reality.
when we accept a certain amount of sadness or discomfort, we often put a time limit on the acceptability of our feelings, after which point we believe that continuing to feel this way would be inappropriate. This mindset is one of the main reasons that negative thoughts, emotions, and internal experiences are difficult to handle: we feel they “shouldn’t” be happening.
When your brain spins negative scenarios, remind yourself that you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. Your brain might be following its negativity bias, playing up some elements more than others, or omitting some positives entirely.
The researchers concluded that deciding to change beliefs was a far more effective and healthier solution than attempting to repress or ignore emotions.
In most situations, we don’t know for certain what motivates a person’s actions, so we might as well choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma.
So when a difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few alternate versions of reality. Conjure a few different scenarios that would induce you into a more useful mental state.
The key questions are: Which mental state would be most useful in this situation? And which version of reality would help you get there? For charisma, you can use this technique whenever a situation threatens your level of warmth or confidence. For minor events, simply imagining an alternative explanation is often enough to reduce anger or impatience and generate compassion instead.
The act of committing things to writing has been shown to be critical both in changing a person’s mind 7 and in making imagined stories feel more real.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
Take a fresh sheet and write their response just the way you wish they would respond.
Concept: write yourself an apology note from the person you resent
Take a deep breath and shake out your body to ensure that no physical discomfort is adding to your tense mental state. Dedramatize. Remind yourself that these are just physical sensations. Right now, nothing serious is actually happening. This only feels uncomfortable because of the way your brain is wired. Zoom out your focus to see yourself as one little person sitting in a room with certain chemicals flooding his system. Nothing more. Destigmatize. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is normal and everyone goes through it from time to time. Imagine countless people all over the
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in any interaction, imagine the person you’re speaking to, and all those around you, as having invisible angel wings.
Another saying people often find equally effective: Of all the options open to me right now, which one would bring the most love into this world?
Embedded in the notion of charisma is empathy,” he told me. “I don’t see how you can be an effective leader without this ability.”
Metta is a millennia-old Buddhist compassion and self-compassion practice that roughly translates as “loving kindness.” Simply put, Metta is the conscious practice of developing kind intentions toward all beings.
For a boost in both energy and warmth, stand up, stretch your hands as high up as possible, inhale as much as you can—imagine your rib cage expanding, doubling in size—make the biggest smile you can and look upward, hold for a second, and then relax everything.
Plan a warm-up period that allows you to gradually ramp up to the level you want. When you want to ensure peak charismatic performance, don’t expect yourself to be on top of your game, going from zero to full charisma instantly and at will.
four distinct kinds of charisma: focus, visionary, kindness, and authority.
Focus charisma is primarily based on a perception of presence. It gives people the feeling that you are fully present with them, listening to them and absorbing what they say. Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to, and understood.
Remember that one of the foundations of charisma is making other people feel good about themselves.
We assess focus charisma entirely through demeanor. Presence is key: because we can perceive any distracted, inattentive body language, such signals would quickly undermine focus charisma.
if you display too little power you could come across as too eager, and consequently low-status or even subservient.
If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to feel like an interview, or, worse yet, an interrogation.
Focus charisma can also be very helpful in difficult situations, such as negotiations or to defuse hostile conversations. On the other hand, avoid focus charisma when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.
Visionary charisma makes others feel inspired; it makes us believe. It can be remarkably effective even though it won’t necessarily make people like you.
Conveying visionary charisma requires the ability to project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. In this way, visionary charisma is based on power.
For visionary charisma, appearance matters far less than it does for other charisma styles.
Visionary charisma is important at times when you need to inspire people. It’s particularly helpful when you want to inspire creativity.
Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted.
Because kindness charisma is heavily dependent on warmth, it is vital to avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness.
Though kindness charisma is based primarily on warmth, without power you risk coming off as overeager to please.
one of the downsides of kindness charisma: it can lead to adulation and, potentially, overattachment.
Kindness charisma is perfect anytime you want to create an emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable. It can be critical in some situations, such as when you have to deliver bad news
Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others.
Your main aim if you want to gain authority charisma is to project power by displaying signs of status and confidence.
you’ll need to learn how to “take up space” with your posture, reduce nonverbal reassurances (such as excessive nodding), and avoid fidgeting. You may need to speak less, to speak more slowly, to know how and when to pause your sentences, or how to modulate your intonation.
Not only will your warmth reduce the risk of your being perceived as arrogant or intimidating, it will also be more highly valued because you’re now seen as high-status.
When choosing a charisma style, remember to check in with your mental and emotional state. If you’re feeling insecure, don’t try to pull off authority charisma until you’ve regained your confidence. Instead, choose a charisma style that demands less confidence, such as focus or kindness, and then gradually move to authority if you so desire.
Though presence, warmth, and power are the fundamental elements of charisma, how they get expressed varies somewhat from culture to culture.
Think of goodwill as your charisma safety net: as long as you can get into a state of goodwill, you will have the absolute best chances of getting your charisma right
So how can you make a fantastic first impression? Our default setting here is actually quite simple: people like people who are like them.
One company that understood this principle and used it to its advantage was American Express. They made their first good move when they started sending their salespeople to college campuses dressed like college students. They then went one step further. They didn’t just dress them like students, they hired students.
What is the pnlinhe equivalent ?
it’s all about keeping the spotlight on them for as long as possible. “Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen for hours,” said Benjamin Disraeli.
the one word that should pop up most often in your conversation is not I but you.
what impacts people isn’t the words or content used. Rather, they remember how it felt to be speaking with you.
They may not sound complex or glamorous, but listening skills are an absolute requirement for charisma, and most charisma masters possess them in abundance. By being a great listener you can make people feel completely heard and understood without saying a word.
Good listeners know never, ever to interrupt—not even if the impulse to do so comes from excitement about something the other person just said.
Great listeners know to let others interrupt them.
if you notice the other person repeatedly agitating to speak, keep your sentences short and leave frequent pauses for them to jump in.
Knowing how and when to pause is also an art in business conversations, and something that most charismatic conversationalists do naturally.
