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In other words, we have the option of exercising our powers or of subverting our means of survival and well-being. This capacity for self-management is our glory and, at times, our burden.
The simplest form of this betrayal is the evasion of discomfiting facts.
To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals—to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may be—and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.
Living consciously is living responsibly toward reality.
What I perceive, what I interpret it to mean, and how I feel about it are three separate questions.
if we give up, withdraw, fall into passivity, or go through the motions of trying without meaning it, we shrink the level of our consciousness—to escape the pain and frustration that accompanied our efforts.
Living consciously implies that my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right.
To be oblivious to such forces, to imagine that we operate in a vacuum, is truly to live as a sleepwalker.
have to be convinced that, longterm, I have more to gain from consciousness than unconsciousness.
“If I bring a higher level of consciousness to my relationship with Barbara—” and then wrote six to ten endings as rapidly as I could, without rehearsing, censoring, planning, or “thinking,” I would have found myself making more and more conscious, explicit, and inescapable all the deep reservations I had about this relationship as well as my process of avoidance and denial.
First thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day’s business, sit down and write the following stem: Living consciously to me means
work. I call this the “bookend” approach to sentence completion. The knowledge that those stems are waiting to be completed later in the day energizes the motivation to be more conscious throughout the day.
No one has ever done this particular “consciousness exercise” for a month or two without reporting (and showing signs of) operating at a higher level of awareness in the conduct of daily life. The exercise is adrenaline shot into the psyche.
choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.” This primary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.
“This is an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but an expression of me nonetheless, at least at the time it occurred.” It is the virtue of realism, that is, of respect for reality, applied to the self.
am feeling it—what is true, is true—I do not rationalize, deny, or attempt to explain away. I am feeling what I am feeling and I accept the reality of my experience.
wish to do so in ways that do not damage self-esteem—since future behavior will be shaped by self-concept—so we should bring this same benevolence to ourselves.
focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say to yourself, “Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedly and completely.
When clients commit to do this exercise for two minutes every morning and again every night for two weeks, they soon begin to experience the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem: a mind that honors sight honors itself.
We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny.
The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions is implemented through (1) focusing on the feeling or emotion, (2) breathing gently and deeply, allowing muscles to relax, allowing the feeling to be felt, and (3) making real that this is my feeling (which we call owning it).
To be sure, a problem remained that had to be dealt with, but now, since it was admitted into conscious awareness, it was capable of being dealt with.
Practice saying to yourself, “I am now feeling such and such (whatever the feeling is) and I accept it fully.”
If we cannot accept a feeling (or a thought or a memory), we should accept our resistance.
If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? If I deny and disown what is, how will I be inspired to grow?
Acceptance of what is, is the precondition of change. And denial of what is leaves me stuck in it.
The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny and disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness—because it frightens us.
If my goals require the participation of other people, I must be responsible for knowing what they require of me if they are to cooperate and for providing whatever is my rational obligation to provide.
Self-esteem is not a gift I can receive from someone else. It is generated from within.
simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.
To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings
an idea or paying a compliment; sometimes through a polite silence that signals nonagreement; sometimes by refusing to smile at a tasteless joke.
Self-assertiveness asks that we not only oppose what we deplore but that we live and express our values. In this respect, it is intimately tied to the issue of integrity.
My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations.
When we commit ourselves to new areas of learning, when we take on tasks that stretch us, we raise personal power. We thrust ourselves further into the universe. We assert our existence.
When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do not stand up for our values in contexts where it is appropriate to do so, we inflict wounds on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us—we do it to ourselves.
Later, to appease her sense of uneasiness, she tells herself, “What difference does it make? The man was a fool.” But her self-esteem knows what difference it makes.
In the end, I learned an invaluable lesson. I learned that surrenders of this kind do not work; they merely postpone confrontations that are inevitable and necessary.
There are always times when self-assertiveness calls on our courage. The practice of self-assertiveness is the fourth pillar of self-esteem.
To live without purpose is to live at the mercy of chance—the chance event, the chance phone call, the chance encounter—because we have no standard by which to judge what is or is not worth doing.
Thus, to live purposefully means to live at a high level of consciousness.
Purposes unrelated to a plan of action do not get realized. They exist only as frustrated yearnings.
And in any event, the temporary abandonment of purpose also serves a purpose, whether consciously intended or not: that of regeneration.
Paying attention to the outcomes of one’s actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.
The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible for us to achieve—
power lies in the source of wealth, not in the wealth; in the cause, not the effect.
When I think of what living purposefully means in my life, I think first of taking responsibility for generating the actions necessary to achieve my goals.
the discipline of kindness. This means kindness that is not a matter of mood or convenience. It means kindness as a basic way of functioning.
Living purposefully is a fundamental orientation that applies to every aspect of our existence. It means that we live and act by intention. It is a distinguishing characteristic of those who enjoy a high level of control over their life.
When a breach of integrity wounds self-esteem, only the practice of integrity can heal it.
