More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
"Last I checked Andrew didn't like you," Wymack said. "He still doesn't," Neil said, but he didn't bother to explain.
"Interesting." Wymack eyed Neil a moment longer before
Seth had been a lot of things, most of them unpleasant, but he'd definitely been a fighter. Now he was gone.
Life doesn't care what we want out of it; it's up to us to fight for what we want with everything we've got.
"One day I want you to look up 'insensitivity' in the dictionary," Matt said, annoyed. "I'm sure it'll do your ego wonders to see your picture printed there beside it."
As brutal as Kevin could be toward the rest of the team, he was hardest on himself. It was the only reason Neil tolerated his condescension.
"Andrew Joseph Minyard, what the flying fuck have you done this time?" "It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!" Andrew yelled from out of sight.
"What? No, I didn't hang up on you. I wouldn't do that. I—no. Shut up." Andrew hung up again,
"You have Joan of Exy over there. Make do without me."
It was like Seth had never been here, like he'd never existed at all. Neil wondered if he would disappear so easily.
he got a letter in the mail that basically said 'Fuck you, go away'."
"You've obviously got something Andrew wants," Matt said. "Where Andrew goes, they all go. You just have to pull him harder than he pulls you." They made it sound easy when Neil knew it wasn't. "I'll try."
Neil would rather fail than spend more time with Aaron.
Neil wanted to tell them death was no reason to hold back, but he found their humanity interesting. He just hoped they got over it before first serve on Friday night.
They were right when they said Andrew was the key. Neil had to stay on his good side until he figured out the right leverage,
Neil never wanted to be his father, but he didn't want to turn into his mother, either. They were different kinds of heartless and Neil, for all his problems connecting with other people, didn't want to be a monster.
"It's just more fun to tell you no. That's what you wanted, right? You wanted me to have fun. I am. Aren't you?"
He wanted Exy to mean something; he wanted Andrew's best performance like a dying man wanted one last breath of air. Andrew knew it, and he refused to play along.
"Maybe he's afraid she'll die on him like the last woman he really loved."
his attention caught and held on Andrew
"I'm fine."
"Some people are just hardwired to be stupid,"
"Neil is a walking tragedy." "You're a pretty pathetic sob story yourself," Wymack said.
As he listened to them, Neil realized he was happy. It was such an unexpected and unfamiliar feeling he lost track of the conversation for a minute. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this included or safe. It was nice but dangerous. Someone with a past like his, whose very survival depended on secrecy and lies, couldn't afford to let his guard down. But as Nicky laughed and leaned closer to talk about one of Neil's goals, Neil thought maybe he'd be okay just for a night.
Andrew threw his hands up. "Newsflash, Nicky: Neil isn't normal!"
"I can't stand you," Neil said. "I don't care."
"You have this way of making people want to kill you," Andrew said.
Andrew leaned forward on his perch and smiled at Neil. "Hey, Neil. Honesty looks awful on you."
Who am I supposed to call?" "Nicky, Coach, the suicide hotline, I don't care." "I'm remembering why I don't like you."
"What I'd like is to put this phone through your teeth." "See, that's more interesting."
"Your parents are dead, you are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay," Andrew said. "This is not news to you. But from now until May you are still Neil Josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive.
"Look at me," Andrew said. "It'll be fine. You believe me, yes?" "I believe you," Kevin said, muffled but noticeably strained. "Liar." Andrew laughed and leaned forward a little to peer out Kevin's window.
"You don't look much like a Neil." "Blame my mother," Neil said. "She named me."
Neil fleetingly wished he'd inherited his mother's patience instead of his father's temper.
You can't cut down someone who's already in the gutter.
"You know, I get it," Neil said. "Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court—yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time."
Neil ignored him. "I know it's not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you're physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don't think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone."
"Dan, I said please. I tried to be nice."
"His antagonism is a personality flaw we're learning to live with,"
"God save you both, you useless fools. No one else can. How either of you have lived this long when you're so miserably stupid is beyond my capacity to understand."
Neil remembered the weight of a key in his palm, its metal soaked through with another person's body heat. He remembered Andrew's promise to see this year through with him.
Neil couldn't help it. "What happened to being polite, Dan?" Dan laughed. "Do as I say, not as I do, rookie."
"I'm starting to think I misjudged you," Wymack said. "I just don't know how or where. I know I'm not completely wrong, but you're still not adding up right." "Now you sound like Andrew." "That's because they're his words,"
Maybe he'd spent eight years running for his life, but at least he'd been free.
Neil crouched and pressed his hands to the orange paint. "I don't want to run. I don't want to be a Raven. I don't want to be Nathaniel. I want to be Neil Josten. I want to be a Fox. I want to play with you this year and I want us to make it to championships. And in spring when the Moriyamas come for me I'll do what they're so afraid I will. I'll go to the FBI and tell them everything. Let them kill me. It'll be too late by then."
"You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil.
Neil would be dead by May. "Will you still teach me?" Neil asked. Kevin was quiet again, but not for long this time. "Every night."
"I was the first person who ever looked at Andrew and told him he was worth something. When he comes off these drugs and has nothing else to hold him up I will give him something to build his life around."
"Because I knew it'd never happen," Neil said, "but I wanted it anyway."
Neil wished he had something to give them in return for their easy friendship and trust, but nothing about him was safe enough to share. They never pried, but it took him weeks to realize they didn't have to. They didn't ask for secrets; they settled for the breadcrumb truths of day to day life. They knew he hated vegetables but loved fruit, that his favorite color was gray, and that he didn't like movies or loud music. They were things Neil understood only in terms of survival, but his teammates hoarded these insights like gold.
