Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Caring about people and giving are good, desirable qualities—something we need to do—but many codependents have misinterpreted the suggestions to “give until it hurts.” We continue giving long after it hurts, usually until we are doubled over in pain. It’s good to give some away, but we don’t have to give it all away. It’s okay to keep some for ourselves.

I believe acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we are doing, and the person we are doing it for.

Become familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle and how you go through the process in your life. When you find yourself rescuing, watch for the role and mood shifts. When you catch yourself feeling resentful or used, figure out how you rescued. Practice non-rescuing behaviors: Say no when you want to say no. Do things you want to do. Refuse to guess what people want and need; instead insist that others ask you directly for what they want and need from you. Begin asking directly for what you want and need. Refuse to assume other people’s responsibilities. When you initially stop taking care of people who are used to having you take care of them, they may become angry or frustrated. You’ve changed the system, rocked the boat. It means more work for them, and they can’t use you anymore. Explain to them what you are doing, and allow them to be responsible for their feelings. They may thank you for it later. They may even surprise you—sometimes the people we thought least able to take care of themselves can, when we stop taking care of them.

The words vary, but the thought is the same. “I’m not happy living with this person, but I don’t think I can live without him (or her). I cannot, for some reason, find it within myself to face the aloneness that every human being must face or continue to run from: that of being ultimately and solely responsible for taking care of myself. I don’t believe I can take care of myself. I’m not sure I want to. I need a person, any person, to buffer the shock of my solitary condition. No matter what the cost.”

So we become dependent on them. We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children. We become dependent on their approval. We become dependent on their presence. We become dependent on their need for us. We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are unlovable and nobody has ever loved us in a way that met our needs.

Needing people too much can cause problems. Other people become the key to our happiness. I believe much of the other-centeredness, orbiting our lives around other people, goes hand in hand with codependency and springs out of our emotional insecurity.

Sometimes, we think people aren’t there for us when they really are. Our need may block our vision, preventing us from seeing the love that is there for us.

Many of us expect and need other people so much that we settle for too little. We may become dependent on troubled people—alcoholics and other people with problems. We can become dependent on people we don’t particularly like or love. Sometimes, we need people so badly we settle for nearly anyone. We may need people who don’t meet our needs.

If that person is an alcoholic or deeply troubled, we may tolerate abuse and insanity to keep him or her in our lives, to protect our source of emotional security. Our need becomes so great that we settle for too little. Our expectations drop below normal, below what we ought to expect from our relationships. Then, we become trapped, stuck.

Not being centered in ourselves and not feeling emotionally secure with ourselves may trap us.3 We may become afraid to terminate relationships that are dead and destructive. We may allow people to hurt and abuse us, and that is never in our best interest.

People who feel trapped look for escapes. Codependents who feel stuck in a relationship may begin planning an escape. Sometimes our escape route is a positive, healthy one; we begin taking steps to become undependent, financially and emotionally. “Undependence” is a term Penelope Russianoff uses in her book to describe that desirable balance wherein we acknowledge and meet our healthy, natural needs for people and love, yet we don’t become overly or harmfully dependent on them.

We may go back to school, get a job, or set other goals that will bring freedom. And we usually begin setting those goals when ...

Some codependents, however, plan destructive escapes. We may try to escape our prison by using alcohol or drugs. We may become workaholics. We may seek escape by becoming emotionally dependent on another person who is like the person we were attempting to escape—another alcoholic, for example. Many codependents begin to contemplate suicide. Fo...

Emotional dependency and feeling stuck can also cause problems in salvageable relationships. If we are in a relationship that is still good, we may be too insecure to detach and start taking care of ourselves. We may s...

That much need becomes obvious to other people. It ca...

We center our lives around this person, trying to protect our source of security and happiness. We forfeit our lives to do this. And we become angry at this person. We are being controlled by him or her. We are dependent on that person. We ultimately become angry and resentful at what we are dependent on and controlled by, because we have given our personal power and rights to that person.

Some of these tricks, according to Colette Dowling, are making someone more than he or she is (“He’s such a genius; that’s why I stick with him”), making someone less than he or she is (“Men are such babies; they can’t take care off themselves”), and—the favorite trick of codependents—caretaking.

As long as she was concentrating on Manny—his passivity, his indecisiveness, his problems with alcohol—she focused all her energy on devising solutions for him, or for “them,” and never had to look inside herself. It was why it had taken twenty-two years for Madeleine to catch on to the fact that if things continued as they had always been, she would end up shortchanged. She would end up never having lived a life.

Why, when we are experts at taking care of everybody around us, do we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves? What is it about us?

Some of us may have entered an adult relationship with our emotional security intact, only to discover we were in a relationship with an alcoholic. Nothing will destroy emotional security more quickly than loving someone who is alcoholic or has any other compulsive disorder. These diseases demand us to center our lives around them.

The theme of this book is encouragement to begin taking care of ourselves. The purpose of this chapter is to say we can take care of ourselves. We are not helpless. Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don’t have to be so dependent on the people around us. Unlike Siamese twins, we can live without any particular human being.

Knowing we can live without someone does not mean we have to live without that person, but it may free us to love and live in ways that work.

There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become undependent.

Finish business from our childhoods, as best as we can. Grieve. Get some perspective. Figure out how events from our childhoods are affecting what we’re doing now.

I also began to realize that underneath my sophisticated veneer, I felt unlovable. Very unlovable. Somewhere, hidden inside me, I had maintained a fantasy that I had a loving father who was staying away from me—who was rejecting me—because I wasn’t good enough. There was something wrong with me. Now I knew the truth. It wasn’t me that was unlovable. It wasn’t me that was screwed up, although I know I’ve got problems. It was he.

Nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never completely disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it.

Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it’s inside us. Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.

Stop centering and focusing on other people. Settle down with and in ourselves. Stop seeking so much approval and validation from others. We don’t need the approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval.

Start taking care of ourselves whether we are in relationships that we intend to continue, or whether we are in relationships we are trying to get out of. In The Cinderella Complex, Colette Dowling suggested doing this with an attitude of “courageous vulnerability.”8 That means: You feel scared, but you do it anyway.

The path was only lit for a few feet, but each time I progressed those few feet, a new section was lit. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t see far ahead. If I relaxed, I could see as far as I needed for the moment. The situation wasn’t ideal, but I could get through it if I stayed calm and worked with what was available.

Go as far as you can see, and by the time you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.

It’s called One Day at a Time.

Examine the characteristics listed on the next two pages, and decide if you are in a dependent (addicted) ...

If I make one point in this book, I hope it is that the surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs.

Some codependents think a life with no future, no purpose, no great shakes, and no great breaks isn’t worth living. That’s not true, either. I believe God has exciting, interesting things in store for each of us. I believe there is an enjoyable, worthwhile purpose—besides taking care of people and being an appendage to someone—for each of us.

Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for leading or not living my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being. I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs. I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve. I am responsible for my choices. I am responsible for what I give and receive. I am also responsible for setting and achieving my goals. I am responsible for how much I enjoy life, for how much pleasure I find in daily activities. I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to

My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs. I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment. I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert these rights. The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem. My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself.

I will also consider the rights of those around me—the right to live their lives as they see fit. I do not have the right to impose on others’ rights to take care of themselves, and they have no right to impose on my rights.

Self-care is an attitude of mutual respect. It means learning to live our lives responsibly. It means allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with our decisions to live as we choose. Taking care of ourselves is not as selfish as some people assume it is, but neither is it as selfless as many codependents believe.

Giving ourselves what we need is not difficult. I believe we can learn quickly. The formula is simple: In any given situation, detach and ask, “What do I need to do to take care of myself?”

We’re not only or merely human, we were created and intended to be human. And we can be compassionate with ourselves. Then, perhaps, we may develop true compassion for others.3 Listen to what our precious self is telling us about what we need.

Giving ourselves what we need does not only mean giving presents to ourselves; it means doing what’s necessary to live responsibly—not an excessively responsible or an irresponsible existence.

Besides giving ourselves what we need, we begin to ask people for what we need and want from them because this is part of taking care of ourselves and being a responsible human being.

We try to eliminate “shoulds” from our decisions and learn to trust ourselves.

We need enough faith to get on with our lives, and we need to do at least a little something each day to begin moving forward.