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Most codependents are reactionaries. We react with anger, guilt, shame, self-hate, worry, hurt, controlling gestures, caretaking acts, depression, desperation, and fury. We react with fear and anxiety. Some of us react so much it is painful to be around people, and torturous to be in large groups of people.
When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind.
Reacting usually does not work. We react too quickly, with too much intensity and urgency. Rarely can we do our best at anything in this state of mind. I believe the irony is that we are not called upon or required to do things in this state of mind. There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful.
We don’t have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us. We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help.
We don’t have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us. We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people). We blow things out of proportion—our feelings, thoughts, actions, and mistakes.
What we say and do is important, what others say and do is important, but the world doesn’t hinge on any particular speech or action. And if it is particularly important that something gets done or said, don’t worry: It’ll happen. Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are—to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.
We don’t have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave inappropriately. It’s normal to react that way, but we don’t have to continue to feel embarrassed and less than if someone else continues to behave inappropriately.
Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.
Usually things have far less to do with us than we think. An interruption, someone else’s bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, problems, or active alcoholism does not have to run or ruin our lives, our day, or even an hour of our day. If people don’t want to be with us or act healthy, it is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances.
Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won’t ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?
“But,” you might protest, “why shouldn’t I react? Why shouldn’t I say something back? Why shouldn’t I be upset? He or she deserves to bear the brunt of my turmoil.” That may be, but you don’t. We’re talking here about your lack of peace, your lack of serenity, your wasted moments.
We are like singers in a large chorus. If the guy next to us gets off key, must we? Wouldn’t it help him, and us, more to strive to stay on key? We can learn to hold our part.
Using the words “he or it or she made me feel” often indicates we are reacting.
Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you’re in the midst of a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace. Do whatever you need to do (that is not self- or other-destructive) to help yourself relax.
If the problem is serious, or is seriously upsetting you, you may want to discuss it with a friend to help clear your thoughts and emotions. Troubles and feelings go wild when we try to keep them caged inside. Talk about your feelings.
Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state. Do you need to apologize? Do you want to let it go? Do you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with someone? Do you need to make some other decision to take care of yourself? When you make your decision keep in mind what your responsibilities are. You are not responsible for making other people “see the light,” and you do not need to “set them straight.”
People say codependents are controllers. We nag; lecture; scream; holler; cry; beg; bribe; coerce; hover over; protect; accuse; chase after; run away from; try to talk into; try to talk out of; attempt to induce guilt in; seduce; entrap; check on; demonstrate how much we’ve been hurt; hurt people in return so they’ll know how it feels; threaten to hurt ourselves; whip power plays on; deliver ultimatums to; do things for; refuse to do things for; stomp out on; get even with; whine; vent fury on; act helpless; suffer in loud silence; try to please; lie; do sneaky little things; do sneaky big
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drag out of counseling; talk mean about; talk mean to; insult; condemn; pray for miracles; pay for miracles; go to places we don’t want to go; stay nearby; supervise; dictate; command; complain; write letters about; write letters to; stay home and wait for; go out and look for; call all over looking for; drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see; chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch; run down alleys at night to get away from; bring home; keep home; lock out; move away from; move with; scold; impress upon; advise; teach lessons to; set straight; insist; give in to; placate;
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Despite tactics, the goals remain the same. Make other people do what you want them to. Make them behave as you think they should. Don’t let them behave in ways you think they shouldn’t, but probably would, without your “assistance.” Force life’s events to unravel and unfold in the manner and at such times as you have designated. Do not let what’s happening, or what might happen, occur. Hold on tightly and don’t let go. We have written the play, and we will see to it that the actors behave and the scenes unfold exactly as we have decided they should. Never mind that we continue to buck
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Codependents make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled.
Control is an illusion. It doesn’t work. We cannot control alcoholism. We cannot control anyone’s compulsive behaviors—overeating, sexual, gambling—or any of their behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone’s emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves.
they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
Furthermore, people will punish us for making them do something they don’t want to do, or be something they don’t want to be. No amount of control will effect a permanent or desirable change in another person. We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to change, but we can’t even guarantee or control that.
The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your business to control is yourself. Detach. Surrender. Sometimes when we do that the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost miraculously.
Surrender to life.
“But this is so important to me,” many people protest. “I can’t detach.” If it’s that important to you, I suggest that is all the more reason to detach.
For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control.
We are the rescuers, the enablers. We are the great godmothers or godfathers to the entire world, as Earnie Larsen says. We not only meet people’s needs, we anticipate them. We fix, nurture, and fuss over others. We make better, solve, and attend to. And we do it all so well. “Your wish is my command,” is our theme. “Your problem is my problem,” is our motto. We are the caretakers.
We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That is the pattern, the triangle.
Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for him- or herself.
Consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation.
Fixing people’s feelings. Doing people’s thinking for them.
Suffering people’s consequences for them. Solving people’s problems for them. Putting more interest and activity into a joint...
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After we rescue, we will inevitably move to the next corner of the triangle: persecution. We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously “helped.” We’ve done something we didn’t want to do, we’ve done something that was not our responsibility to do, we’ve ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it.
He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifice we have made. The victim isn’t behaving the way he or she should. This person is not even taking our advice, which we offered so readily. This person is not letting us fix that feeling. Something doesn’t work right or feel right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.
Sometimes we do our best to hide it. Sometimes we let loose with the full force of our fury;
Feelings of helplessness, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity abound. We have been used—again. We have gone unappreciated—again. We try so hard to help people, to be good to them. We moan, “Why? Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?” Another person has trampled on us, socked it to us. We wonder, shall we forever be victims? Probably, if we don’t stop rescuing and caretaking.
Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems.
She felt like a victim of circumstance, a victim of her husband’s outrageous behavior, a victim of life. It never occurred to her that she was also a victim of herself and her own behavior.
Some of us become so tired from the enormous burden—total responsibility for all human beings—that we may skip the feelings of pity and concern that accompany the rescue act and move ahead to anger.
We consistently give more than we receive, then feel abused and neglected because of it. We wonder why, when we anticipate the needs of others, no one notices our needs. We may become seriously depressed as a result of not getting our needs met. Yet, a good caretaker feels safest when giving; we feel guilty and uncomfortable when someone gives to us or when we do something to meet our needs. Sometimes, codependents may become so locked into a caretaker role that we feel dismayed and rejected when we can’t caretake or rescue someone—when someone refuses to be “helped.”
confused ideas about what constitutes help and what doesn’t.
We may even think it cruel and heartless to do something as cold-blooded as allowing a person to work through or face a legitimate feeling, suffer a consequence, be disappointed by hearing “no,” be asked to respond to our needs and wants, and generally be held responsible and accountable for him- or herself in this world. Never mind that they will certainly pay a price for our “helping”—a price that will be as harsh as or more severe than any feeling they may be facing.
However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves. Although the feelings are transient and artificial, caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power.
We don’t feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don’t feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.
Sometimes with justification, sometimes without, we decide other people simply cannot be held responsible for themselves. Although this may appear to be true, it simply is not a fact. Unless a person has brain damage, a serious physical impairment, or is an infant, that person can be responsible for him- or herself.
Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems. We haven’t learned to say, “It’s too bad you’re having that problem. What do you need from me?” We’ve learned to say, “Here. Let me do that for you.”
Some of us learned to be caretakers when we were children. Perhaps we were almost forced to as a result of living with an alcoholic parent or some other family problem. Some of us may have started caretaking later in life, as a result of being in a committed relationship with an alcoholic or other person who refused and appeared unable to take care of him- or herself. We decided to cope—t...
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Others may have interpreted religious beliefs as a mandate to caretake. Be cheerful givers, we are told. Go the extra mile. Love our neighbors, and we try. We try so hard. We try too hard. And then we wonder what’s wrong with us because our Christian beliefs aren’t working. Our lives aren’t working either.
His message might be that Mary made the right choice because it’s more important to enjoy people than it is to cook and clean. But I also believe there’s a message here about taking responsibility for our choices, doing what we want to be doing, and realizing how we become angry when we don’t.
