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Arsonist’s Lullaby - Hozier
Let Me Go (Acoustic Version) – 3 Doors Down
Firework – Katy Perry
The image… The portrayal. That’s all they ever see. The shell of Warren Xavier. No one knows what’s hidden underneath. Uncharacteristically,
that I’m alive and susceptible to hurt. Like when I was twelve and I used to cut myself. Just to feel
I enjoy it, I do. I can’t act like I don’t, but that teeny, weakened little voice inside tries shouting up to my brain. I don’t want to be here anymore. Get me out. Get… me… out.
The need to break free from the chains of this life, stretching me thinner and thinner… I’m about to snap.
Ren leans in on the table and whispers, “Anything you want, Lex. Anything at all, I’ll get it for you.”
When I’m online, I can be me. The real me; the me I was always meant to be.
I’ve had phone sex before. Sometimes I do the sexting thing on Snapchat. But when it comes to being able to express real interest in someone, face to face, I guess I’m as inexperienced as they come.
I can’t be alone. Loneliness leads to quiet, quiet leads to questions, questions that need answers I’m not equipped to give… And lying to myself will only get me so far.
I wonder what that’s like… I’ve never had a boyfriend. I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve never wanted one, or because I’m too much of a self-destructive mess to deserve one. Probably both.
My exterior is stunning. An almost ethereal creature with gem eyes and perfectly chiseled features. On the inside, I’m decaying and rotten. But no one sees that part, so it’s okay.
It’s unwise to assume that getting on my knees makes me powerless. If you’re giving it, it means you’re giving up your control to me, and in that moment, while you’re fucking my throat, or my ass, or wherever you’re trying to stuff it, I own you.
Every time a man puts his body inside mine, it lights me up. Even when I don’t want it to. Especially when I don’t want it to. I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s the way I was made. I can’t… help it.
murmurs, gaze narrowing. “Why, Ren?” My jittering evens out. And the confidence in what I’m about to say straightens my spine. “Because he’s mine. Whether he wants to be or not.”
“Mmm… Lex. You taste so good.” Fuck this. Fuck you, you evil, beautiful, slutty little liar.
“I’m not yours to ruin anymore,” I whisper.
In fact, he’s the only person I’ve ever felt direct empathy for, and for the life of me, I still don’t truly understand it.
From the moment we met, it was like my soul reached out and grabbed onto him, clutching with desperate, greedy fingers, trying frantically to smoosh him in and make him a part of me.
I know any and all possessiveness I have when it comes to him is irrational.
This is all so annoying. I hate this. I hate that I’m still groveling years later, when in truth, it’s not my fault. What happened between Lex and me was inevitable, and I told him that.
The whole thing makes me want to hurt myself so damn bad, but all I have is—
It’s just so frustrating. I want the pain… I need the release.
I want Lexington constantly and painfully aware that as far as I’m concerned, everyone is him at this point.
“Dascha,” I sigh his name, stepping in closer. “Luthor is very… complex. He’s not like the rest of us. Definitely not like me. And I love that. But it’s hard for me to be myself and try to keep him. He’s…” My voice trails for a moment before I breathe, “He’s mine. He just doesn’t know it yet.” Dash stares at me, hazel eyes wide, save for the occasional flutter of long lashes. “All I want is to get close to him, but he won’t let me. He doesn’t work that way. So instead, I have to get close to him through someone else.”
“I just want you to care,” he sneers. I’m fucking enraged. Again with this bullshit?! “Well, guess what, Warren?” I seethe, leaning in even closer, “I don’t.”
“Are you saying you let him kick the shit out of you because he was defending me?” “I deserved it,” he sighs and shrugs. “I’d do the same thing… if someone was fucking with you. I’ve done it before.”
“Why would I…?” “Dunno…” he breathes, lifting his fingers to trace mine. “I like stuff that hurts.” “Yea, well… I don’t.” My voice comes out raspier than I want it to, making my words unconvincing. “Are you lying to me, Lexington?”
“You created a monster, Callum,” I whisper. “In a way, you birthed me as much as my parents did. So it seems only fitting that you kiss the flames with them.”
It’s the drawing Ren did for me years ago… It started out as a sketch of a tattoo he wanted to give me, of fireworks. But he kept adding to it, making it more and more elaborate, until there was no way he’d be able to make it happen correctly with his shoddy tattoo gun. He’s good, really good, but he can only do so much without the proper equipment. At least that’s what he says.
The fireworks are bursting into little shapes, shooting stars and bleeding hearts, with all kinds of detail woven into their embers. And at the bottom of the page, he drew two people sitting on the ground, watching them. They’re holding hands.
“You make me feel like fireworks ove...
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“If anyone even tries to hurt you, Lexington, I’ll burn this fucking place to the ground.” My brow arches slowly. “That’s… hypocritical.”
“Face it, Lex,” Ren hisses venomously through the bars. “You will never get over me.” I’m shaking, following Joy up the row while his voice echoes off the walls. “I’ll bend over for every motherfucker in this place until you fucking come back to me!!
“I’ll get things for you. Whatever you want.”
“I like you. I don’t want anyone to use you. You don’t deserve that.”
“Smart and funny… and gorgeous,” he murmurs, and my breathing shallows as I glance at him. “The whole package.”
I’ve never felt this strongly attached to someone before. Especially someone I’ve only fucked in my dreams.
“Ren, don’t take this the wrong way…” he murmurs. “But I don’t like accepting gifts from you.” My brow furrows. “Why not?” “Because… we all know what you do to get that stuff.”
“That’s what I want.” My brows lift. “You want fireworks…?” He nods, casually popping a nugget into his mouth. I purse my lips. Challenge accepted.
“I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to… give me stuff. For me to like you.” His eyes are on his shoes, and mine are on him. And I’m not breathing. “I like you anyway.”
“You’ve become one of my best friends.”
“I… wasn’t ready to say goodnight,” I whisper, taking a step closer to him. His eyes widen, and he backs up. “Okay…” “I wish we had more time.” I keep going, easing myself into his space while he keeps moving away. “It’s so crazy to be alone with you, ya know? Good crazy, I mean.” “Ren, what are you…” “Imagine if we weren’t in prison? We could hang out alone like this all the time.”
Leaning in quick, I press a soft kiss on his mouth. One second, and it’s already the best thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
“You’re gonna fuck up our friendship, bro.” He purses his lips to keep it in check. “It’s a risk I’m totally willing to take,” I growl, blinking hard. Down, boy. “Sorry. Again.” “It’s okay, I guess,” he murmurs, and I’m just so floored.
“I’ll dream about you, baby… like fireworks over the ocean.”
What I wouldn’t give to go back there and just lay with him. We wouldn’t even need to hook up. I just want to touch him, and smell him, feel his warmth coiling around me.
