Sociopath

by Patric Gagne

To be clear, I don’t want to minimize the severity of

this disorder. Nor do I want to romanticize it. Sociopathy is a perilous mental condition, the symptoms, causes, and treatments for which need research and clinical attention.

Some feelings came naturally to me, like anger and happiness. But other emotions weren’t so easy. Empathy

and guilt, embarrassment and jealousy were like a language I couldn’t speak or understand.

Inflicting pain (or distress) was a guaranteed, instantaneous method of pressure elimination. I didn’t know why.

Why can’t she understand? Because she’s incapable of understanding, replied my dark side. And I knew at once that it was true. A person like my mother, a normal person with scruples, would never understand what it was like to be someone like me. She could never relate to feeling nothing. She could never comprehend my compulsion to harm others or do bad things. Nobody could. Despite Mom’s insistence to always want the truth, she couldn’t accept the truth.

The sociopath’s subconscious desire to feel is what forces him to act out.”

Most non-sociopaths, I understand now, would not be flooded with relief to find themselves identifying as one. But I was thrilled.

“Normalizing mental disorders—specifically the various symptoms of mental disorders—is essential to counteracting the stigma associated with those symptoms and replacing it with knowledge, understanding and, eventually, acceptance.”

Although I recognized that my destructive urges were not “normal” in the general sense, I learned they were typical for people like me. So I’m not crazy, I thought. The relief was both unexpected and overwhelming.

Robert Plutchik was a psychologist who identified eight fundamental feelings he termed the “primary” emotions: anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise,

anticipation, trust, and joy.

“Empathy, guilt, shame, remorse, jealousy, even love—these are considered social emotions,” she said. “We’re not born with them. They’re learned.”

“Psychopaths and sociopaths are in the same boat because they’re constantly looking for a way to connect those pathways.

To feel. It’s why they behave so destructively. It’s why they’re so dangerous. Eventually, the constant weight of apathy becomes too much to take.” “And then what happens?” Dr. Slack frowned. “They snap.”

temper and limited self-control, frequently storming out of meetings or screaming at staff members when she didn’t get what she wanted. But perhaps most different from me, Jennifer seemed to be highly erratic. This was particularly true when it came to her romantic relationships. Even the slightest perceived rejection would send her into a cognitive dissonant meltdown. “She sounds borderline,” Dr. Carlin surmised. I was at the therapist’s office for our weekly session. Curious about Jennifer’s personality type (and its similarities to mine), I’d asked for her take. “Borderline personality disorder is often confused with sociopathy,” she explained, “because a lot of the behavioral diagnostics are similar, the observational stuff. Unstable relationships, impulsivity, self-destructiveness, habitual emptiness, anger, hostility—many of those traits overlap. Same with narcissism, actually.” “But why is that the case,” I asked, “if we’re so different?” “Because your behavior is motivated by different things,” said Dr. Carlin. “Borderlines act out due to an abundance of feeling. Sociopaths

act out because of a deficit.

There were hundreds of LPs, most of which had belonged to my father, vestiges of his lifetime spent in radio. But lately I’d begun making contributions of my own. Jackie McLean, John Coltrane, Hank Mobley, Thelonious Monk, B.B. King, McCoy Tyner, Bill Evans, Duke Ellington, and Nina Simone were just a few of the recent additions I’d made to the shelves.

Normal people act out when their emotions become

too stressful. Sociopaths act out when their lack of emotion becomes too stressful.

“You have to understand,” I continued, “it’s not so much that I’m flooded with emotions now that David is here. I mean, yes, I love him and that’s all great, sure. But I don’t think that’s why the stress went away. My anxiety isn’t gone because it’s been replaced by love. It’s gone because I feel accepted. David doesn’t judge me when I don’t care about things; he doesn’t think it’s weird when I get quiet. ...

“Because the mainstream opinion is that not having feelings is ‘bad,’ sociopaths—from a very early age—are taught to hide or deny their apathy, lest they become outed as monsters. So the emotional void becomes a trigger for stress, for anx...

if you can reframe that belief system,” I continued, “if you can educate sociopaths to understand that their inherent traits are not bad, then you can replace that anxious reaction with acceptance and maybe reduce the bad behavior.”...

“But normalizing antisocial behavior isn’t good, Patric,” she argued. “Or ethical. It’s why I asked you to stop using your prescriptions. Because I wanted us to figure out a healthy coping strategy.”

“I’m not talking about normalizing behaviors,” I insisted. “I’m talking about normalizing psychological traits. I know that, for me, the more I understand my personality type—the less concerned I am about the apathy—the less I act out.

“This is what I’m trying to tell you!” I insisted. “So much of a sociopath’s negative behavior is compulsive. It’s driven by an anxious reaction to the pressure, by the urge to dispel the apathy. That’s the way that it feels. But in the absence of that anxiety—sociopaths have a choice,”

“My entire life I thought I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to be normal. But I don’t now. I like that I don’t care what other people think. I like that I’m not weighed down by guilt like everyone else. If I’m being really honest,” I said, “I even like the apathy sometimes. Feeling like nothing… It reminds me of the Great Blue Hole.”

“I think I was scared of it because I never knew what monsters would come out of that darkness.” “And now?” she asked. I shrugged. “Well, now I’ve met the monsters.” I smiled. “And I surrender.”

“This is how it should be,” I said softly. “This,” I repeated, “is how sociopaths should feel. This

is the hope.” I was starting to relax. “Sitting here, right now, and for maybe the first time since I was a kid, I like who I am. I’m at peace with what I am. And I’m starting to realize that the only thing I ever didn’t like was what I was doing. I didn’t like my behavior.”

how are real sociopaths supposed to figure things out?” “Well, you seem to have figured it out,” Dr. Carlin offered.

“I got lucky,” I said with a sarcastic laugh. “The only reason I understand any of this is because I just happened to find a bunch of research inside a library.”

“What about all the people who aren...

“I’ve said this before, Patric. I think you have a real gift for psychology. I think you should look into graduate school.” She studied my reaction. “And I think you should write a book.”

I was stunned. “Who am I to write a book?” “You’re a well-adjusted sociopath, for starters.” She laughed. “Right,” I said. “I’m a sociopath. Who the fuck’s gonna believe anything I say?” “Other sociopaths. Like you said: You can relate. You know what it’s like to live with this.

You’ve got a unique perspective because you can dissect it from both a personal and a professional point of view. Even if you don’t have all the answers, you have the insight to understand other socio...

“They say sociopaths are impulsive, irrational, incapable of introspection,” she added. Then she shook her head. “Not from where I’m sitting. They say sociopaths can’t love, but I’ve seen you love.” She leaned forward to get ...

What these people needed was someone who could empathize, a person who could listen without judgment. What they needed was help. What they needed was hope. What they needed was an advocate. What they got, was me.

“I mean, I’m done being invisible,” I continued, my ire continuing to rise. “Seriously. Why should I be the one hiding behind some fucking ‘mask of sanity’? I’m not the insane one.” I pointed to the city below. “Those people out there? Those are the insane ones.

The ones who deny

their darkness. The ones acting like sociopathy is some disgusting disease they couldn’t possibly relate to. The ones talking shit about the word as if it’s not the name of the standoffish girl in sc...

“The reality is that I need to want to be good for myself. I need to want to make healthy choices because I see the benefit in making them, not because someone else is pushing me to.”

I need to accept who I am all the time. I need to be who I am all the time. That’s the only way I’ll ever be able to stabilize my life.” I paused, then added, “That’s the only way I’ll ever be able to share my life.”

Learning to swim in apathetic waters turned out to be a critical aspect of my sociopathic treatment. My entire life I’d attempted to shun my apathy, this primary sociopathic trait, and for good reason. The more I paid attention, the more I noticed just how often “apathy,” “lack of feeling,” and the word “sociopath” were associated with evil.

“I’d rather my kid have cancer than be a sociopath.” Others nodded in reluctant agreement. Meanwhile I sat frozen, overcome with an unfamiliar feeling: a profound sense of sadness. Her admission was the precise sentiment I’d felt my entire life.

In that moment I wanted to race back in time to the child I once was and take her face in my hands. “You’re not bad,” I wanted to tell her. “I swear to God you’re a good kid, a kind kid. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Wait for me,” I wanted to beg. “Wait for me and I’ll prove it.”

me. I need to be more conscious of the way I perceive myself,

“I don’t hate people,” I responded to myself. “I hate that people project their feelings and insecurities and judgments onto me. But I don’t have to accept delivery of other people’s projections, and I don’t have to endure fake interactions to conceal my sociopathy. I am perfectly content being antisocial. Anyone who has a problem with that can go fuck themselves.”

I’d known I would return to David almost as soon as I’d stepped away from him. But I also knew that wanting to be “good” for someone else was the oldest—and by far strongest—trigger for my anxiety.

I often found myself struggling to believe I could ever truly be a good person, much less a good partner.