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Started reading
September 9, 2018
When members of GirlFriendCircles.com, the women's friendship matching site I founded,
It might take a year—or more—to find one or two people we can really call Committed Friends.
Two women can meet each other, mutually adore each other, feel like they were twins lost at birth, and yet never become friends without repetitive initiation. It's true.
Here are the five most common reasons women tell me that they don't initiate more: 1. A lack of time 2. Uncertainty as to whether the feeling was mutual 3. No instant attraction 4. Hope that the other would initiate 5. Just too tired
That's why we become friends with people that we'd probably never give the chance elsewhere! At work we end up bonding with people that we'd have dismissed as "too different" (she's too old, too preppy, too adventurous, too dramatic) had we just sat across from them on a friend-date.
In one of my workplaces, there were seven of us who became Common Friends.
Because I never invited any one of them into my life separately, creating a structure for our friendship outside of our shared work, when that job ended, those Common Friends became Contact Friends—people I could call but won't unless I have a specific reason.
Nearly thirty percent of us end up establishing a best friend at work. And those of us who do have at least three friends at work are ninety-six percent more likely to be satisfied with our lives. But what about the eight percent of us who are unemployed,
Which brings us back to those five excuses
they all fall under: insecurity and priority.
FACING OUR INSECURITY TO INITIATE
Dr. Michelle Gannon, is one of those psychologists you wish you could send everyone in your life to talk with.
"There are four main styles of attachment: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant,"
"Basically we all have a primary behavioral pattern that we tend to follow—it can be different for us in romance than it is in friendships or other relationships, but if we watch ourselves, we'll begin to see which one is our default blueprint in those settings."
Securely attached adults
Anxious-preoccupied adults
Dismissive-avoidant adults
Ham
Fearful-avoidant adults
If you initiated last time and you had a great time out—do it again! If you wrote her and haven't heard back—write her again! If this is a gift you can give, then give it freely and generously. The world needs way more people willing to give energy to initiating relationships.
I WILL INITIATE
Another simple strategy is to never leave one date without setting the next.
One of my favorite lines is, "It has been so good to see you again. Are you up for putting our next get-together in our calendars so I can plan around it?" This communicates value, priority, and responsibility.
FACING OUR MISUNDERSTANDING OF PRIORITY
"superiority in rank or position."
The Power of Following Through on Our Priorities
By giving themselves an out on their promises, they inevitably also give themselves an out on their dreams.
They get in the habit of undermining themselves.
DEVELOPING TRUST IN OURSELVES
Priority means choosing something over something else.
It's impossible to prioritize friendship and not sacrifice something else.
Accordingly, every Tuesday night that I'm in town, I go to Girls Night, where five of us gather in rotating homes for supper.
So I choose to set a rule with myself that I don't connect with people based on my moods, but rather based on my values.
Set up something weekly and stick to it. No calling to confirm after the initiation. The time is set in stone
We routinize those things that are significant to us, those things that matter. And friendship is one of them for me.
What would be one thing you could do to prove to yourself that establishing compelling friendships is a priority to you beyond just words and wants? What could be your theoretical "stake in the ground" that reminds you you're willing to invest in the desire?
WE CANNOT PRIORITIZE BFF'S WITHOUT PRIORI...
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That's the reality that we all have to swallow—we cannot get to that always-be-there-for-you friendship that we crave without the scheduling-you-in-even-though-I-barely-know-you phase.
INITIATION MUST BE REPETITIVE
We don't become friends without consistency. Repetition. Regularity.
Our goal isn't just to go around life making small talk in the cashier line, passing out business cards in networking meetings, attending cocktail parties, and patting ourselves on the back for setting up a lunch here and there. Rather, our goal is to have the weight-bearing beams of our lives buttressed by people that matter. And to get there, we must forge on in the building of strong relationships beyond having a wide net of possibilities.
As teenagers we spent about a third of our time with our friends. As adults it drops to about ten percent.
it wasn't friendship that just happened naturally—it was consistency that did.
Without doing anything beyond showing up for classes, we saw the same people over and over, resulting in shared experiences that produced a bond.
CONSISTENCY IS REQUIRED
Dr. Paul Dobransky, a board-certified psychiatrist and the sex-and-dating columnist for Maxim Fitness magazine, asserts that "friendship is consistent, mutual, shared positive emotions."
Dobransky's Friendship Formula: C + M + S + PE = Friendship As with any math equation, if we remove one of the four entities—consistency, mutuality, sharing, or positive emotion—then we don't have a friendship!
We cannot move someone from the Left Side of the Connectedness Continuum to the Right Side without consistent time together. Period.
IDENTIFYING MY OPTIONS: WHO ARE MY POTENTIAL FRIENDS ON THE LEFT SIDE?
your options. Do you already know people in your social network with whom, if given the time and opportunity, you could foster deeper connectedness?
