Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends

by Shasta Nelson

There will be times where one or more of these women move back into other Circles.

They are still in my life and I know them intimately. But, for the most part, they have moved back to the middle Circle—Confirmed Friends—which is the fulcrum on our Continuum.

Confirmed Friends

We share a history with these friends that maintains our intimacy, but our connection is not consistent. These are the friends we used to live close to and love but only talk to occasionally now. These are the women with whom we know we can pick up where we left off. They are dear to us and we will stay in touch occasionally, but they ...

These friends serve beautiful purposes in our lives: they share a history with us. They know who we used to be. They can say "Remember when . . ." and have us tapping into our former self within moments.

you may learn that you're longing for more local, consistent, and intimate friendships.

Here are some tips that will be helpful for you when assigning each of your friends to the appropriate Circle.

1) Go for current, not past, status.

There are a few women I used to be more consistent and more intimate with. None of them live local to me anymore. It would be easy to place them all in my Confirmed Circle just because I don't see them very often. But that would be a mistake. I need to look at the relationship we have today, evaluating for both the frequency and the intimacy of our contact.

We certainly have reasons to drift apart, given how our lives have diverged. However, we made a decision several years ago to talk on the phone every Wednesday at noon.

2) Go for reality, not potential.

Just because you meet someone and feel an instant chemistry doesn't make you Committed Friends. No matter how wonderful someone is, how much you have in common, how much she seems to like you too, or how much you want to get to know her—evaluate your friendship on the basis of the connection you actually have, not the one you hope to have.

Another example that comes to mind is how easy it might be for us to assume that our social group is our Community Circle, when most of them might actually belong in the Common Circle.

Knowing they are Common Friends helps us enjoy all that we do share with each other without putting unrealistic expectations on each other.

3) Go for your experience, not hers.

the point of this exercise is for you to decide your experience of the relationship, not to try to guess what the other person's continuum would look like.

4) Go for honesty, not warm-and-fuzzy.

"I am grateful for these people who enhance my life, and I eagerly look forward to not only growing these relationships in whatever ways will be meaningful, but also inviting new ones in."

I would soon be admitting that I'd rather be sitting in a café swapping stories with real live people than coming up with witty social media updates, giving thumbs-up to my friends' photos, leaving long voice mails, and sitting down with good intentions to write that lengthy e-mail.

I had amazing friends strewn across the country; nonetheless, I was a candidate for wanting friendships of a different kind. I felt the pang of loneliness.

We usually aren't lonely because our entire Continuum is empty. Instead, it's usually because one of our Circles has shifted recently and our heart is trying to tell us that we have room in our lives for more current connection.

WHAT MY NEED MAY LOOK LIKE

friend Daneen,

friend Vania,

She had a list of fabulous people who would have enjoyed meeting her for drinks, but not a list of women who had witnessed the unraveling of that relationship, knew the details of her pain, and could show up in meaningful ways.

friend Dannah,

First, we were all amazing women, even when we felt lonely. Our worth didn't drop one iota when we recognized that we needed to make new friends.

Second, we all needed new friends. But the word "new" meant different things to each of us.

And third, it bears repeating, we can do everything right to build up friendships and still find ourselves in a place where we have to do it again.

Life shifts. Our needs shift. Our friendships shift.

WHY WE MUST RECOGNIZE LONELINESS

Loneliness isn't the state of being alone, without anyone. It's feeling alone.

Loneliness is an invitation to recognize that our hearts have more capacity to love. The same way hunger pangs tell us when we need nourishment and energy, loneliness is our heart's way of encouraging us to engage.

Isn't it ironic that our brains say, "I want to be closer to others," and our response is often to pull away?

We sometimes do this because a pang of loneliness might trigger memories of times we felt sadness, grief, anger, or rejection—and without even recognizing that we're acting out of our past, we stall our present.

We must not ignore our loneliness. We need to refuse to get used to it.

Dr. Jacqueline Olds,

She has frequently said, "Aside from genetics, the two most important factors in longevity are exercise and a network of friends."

One study on the impact our support systems can have on us was conducted at the University of Virginia where students were asked to estimate the steepness of a hill as they stood at the base of it with a weighted backpack. Those who stood beside a friend guessed the incline to be less than those who stood alone. Additionally, the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.

YES!!!!!! This is another piece of why SB was so awesome for me.

The lonelier we are, the more we need them. The busier we are, the more we need them. The more things I want to accomplish, the more I know I need to invest in this part of my life. The healthier I want to be, the more I need to connect. We need friends.

Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that not only is our loneliness contagious ("lonely people attract fellow 'lonelies' and influence others to feel lonely, too" which can "compound or increase those feelings of solitude"), but lonely people behave in less affirming ways towards themselves and others, which can affect people up to three degrees of separation.

our friendships in the other Circles could be at risk if we are unknowingly taking our loneliness out on them, devaluing them, or judging them too harshly.

loneliness can bleed out in ways that leave other people feeling worse. Then, when those people mirror that behavior, an entire web of pain from our loneliness has been created.

Maybe our loneliness is why so many women have a reputation for being catty, judgmental, and mean to other women. Maybe it's because we aren't all as connected as we need to be for our health and happiness. Maybe that disconnectedness, and the way it causes us to treat others, is spreading. Maybe because we don't feel loved, we have a harder time giving it. Maybe we've forgotten that we can only receive that which we extend. Maybe more friendship would make this world a better place.

Marianne Williamson, a prolific author, articulates one of my favorite sayings: "Whoever doesn't love you doesn't know you." We are lovable. Making friends will remind us of that.

And while the nature of loneliness makes us think that we are alone in our experience, the tragic reality is that the majority of Americans know the feeling.

How Many Friends Do ...

we have almost fifty percent of Americans who have virtually no close friends outside of one relationship, leaving us deeply vulnerable after a divorce, breakup, or death. The other half of us have an average of two close friends.

How Many Friends Do We Need?